What you are missing...

Over the last twelve years, I've kept a running record in my head of events and celebrations I will miss out on as a parent of two special needs kids.  If I'm not careful, that record will consume me and overwhelm me.  Recognizing this, I try to focus on the positive and I've kept an equally long list of events and celebrations that I've been able to experience because I'm the parent of two special needs kids.  I know I have mentioned them from time to time on this blog.  Mark and I will always have Santa... We greatly appreciate milestones like new words, first steps, learning to kick a soccer ball, memorizing bus numbers, and other "little things".  I know these milestones make all parents smile, but they make Mark and I do the happy dance!

My boys are involved with Special Olympics and we live in an area that has an average age somewhere in the high 60's.  So there aren't that many kids around - much less those with developmental delays.  And of that subset with delays, very few are involved with Special Olympics.  So up until the last two years, Zach was pretty much the only kid under the age of 18.  (Fortunately, Zach's best friend, Andy and his brother have started participating.)  Anyway, we are used to Zach "competing" against adults and Zach doesn't care, he just likes having fun!

Swimming was the first sport we tried and for the first five years, he was in the flotation division.  At the swim meets, he was competed in a small indoor pool away from the rest of the athletes.  Zach had fun and enjoyed himself, but I always felt like we were missing out on the main action. I didn't really care about the competitions and if we missed them because something better came up, then I was ok with it!  We usually dropped out of the practices by late July anyway.

Well, this year, we took our family trip in early July and while we were away, the coaches decided that Zach was ready for the big leagues... the big pool... with the big kids!  Last year, we were told he was ready, but then he ended up in flotation anyway.  To say I was proud and excited about Zach's advancements was an understatement!

And this is what you're missing: the camaraderie and excitement of the parents, athletes and coaches over little achievements and baby steps is inspiring.  I played sports as a kid, but I've never seen this much excitement over an athlete's accomplishments. And it wasn't just Zach's achievement.  Anytime an athlete swims faster than before or farther than before, the pool erupts into cheers and high fives.  These athletes don't feel jealous.  They don't say, "Man, I never get better."  No! They genuinely want to celebrate their friend.  I don't ever recall those true sentiments when I played sports!  I wish I could feel that way now when  one of my friends shares a record or accomplishment.  I hate to admit it, but part of me is jealous.  If someone runs really fast, or loses weight, or gets a raise, or a new house, I'm not 100% thrilled - I'm definitely in the 90's but it's not 100% like I've witnessed with Special Olympics!  Those athletes are inspiring and I want more of the joy they have!

Pancakes

Last week I was in the midst of a self-induced pity party... this week I'm a little more balanced.  Tuesday was a pancake dinner at my church to raise money for our summer mission trip.  I wasn't really looking forward to helping because I like having low-key, non-busy evenings.  Plus, the thought of keeping track of the two boys was a little overwhelming.  But I went.

I don't think it's any secret that my church is mostly families with grown children and sometimes grown grandchildren.  I live in an area where the average age is somewhere in the late 60's.  I'm 40...  There are "younger" churches in town, but this "older" church is our home.  Sometimes we dream of being in a church with younger families, but God made it clear to me on Tuesday night that we are where we belong.

Ryan had to go to the bathroom and this can be a long process, so I went back and forth between supervising his activities and keeping track of Zach.  While in the bathroom, I had a quick, encouraging conversation with a grandmother aged person.  She didn't offer the normal "platitudes" that don't really help, and I don't remember what she said, I just remember feeling encouraged and connected.

Later, I was in charge of taking the money and Zach was off in the kitchen "helping".  The men who run the pancake breakfasts were cooking for us and they have a system.  They run like a well oiled machine and can serve 400+ pancake breakfasts in two hours time!  I didn't follow their money system and I wasn't very good at estimating how many people were there...  But that's not the story I want to share - but it is funny...

While Zach was "helping", Ryan was holding the door open for people and giving them random prayer cards.  I was so touched at how people took his card and then brought it to me.  The intuitively knew that Ryan was trying to help and they indulged him by taking the card.  (On Sunday mornings, Ryan likes to hand out the bulletins, but he's really shy about it.  He'll hand them a bulletin, but look at the ground, or he'll hand them the whole stack and expect them to take one.  I think it brings smiles to the worshipers - I know it makes me smile.)

At one point, I looked to see where Zach was and he was in the kitchen helping to wash the dishes.  I saw a very efficient man slow himself down and patiently work with Zach to wash dishes.

To say my heart swelled with love for my church is a huge understatement.  I was ministered to in a way that I needed.  I was able to chat with people and collect money while my kids were being taken care of by others.  And I realized at that moment that I'm in the church I need to be in.  I'm surrounded by grandparent aged people (and some younger, non-grandparent aged people - just people who love my kids right along with their own).  People who have the time and perspective to "love on" my children.  (I hate that term, love on, but I didn't know what else to use...)  They understand that kids grow up too fast.  They aren't mired down by the daily demands of parenting little children.  They were God's hands and feet - probably without even knowing it.  They gave me a break, my children had a fabulous time, and hopefully they enjoyed it too.

So I realized, that if I were in a church with other young families, everyone would be too busy with their own kids, that they wouldn't have the time to slow down and mine would be left behind.

I'm so thankful that God sees the big picture and delivers what we need when we need it!!  Thank you church family for ministering to this momma - you have no idea how much I needed that pancake dinner and the attention you gave my kids. Thank you for seeing my kids - and not walking by them - thank you for making them feel valued and important!!

And don't judge me, this part is the hardest to say - thank you for reminding me that my children are indeed valued and important.

I'm tired...

Warning: I'm whiny.  If you don't want to hear my pity party, then click away, I won't mind.

Still here?  I'm having one of those pity party weekends.  I'm sure you are familiar with them.  It's the kind of weekend where you are jealous of everyone else's life.  Where it seems that everyone has a much better situation than you.  Yep, I'm having one of those.  I guess it's because I'm tired.  I try to stay positive and think about my blessings, but right now, I don't want to.  I'm tired.  And I know every parent gets tired, but I just want to cry.

I'm tired of having to listen really hard to what Zach is saying and try to figure out what he wants before I just say, "Yes" to shut him up.  For example, "Tuesday" and "Suitcase" sound alike in Zachese.  But honestly, if I have to unpack the suitcase one more time, I might scream.  Yes, I know it's my fault for talking about trips that are weeks and months away.  But why can't he just hear me when I say, "Not yet!"  I'm tired of having to explain that his birthday is not tomorrow.  I'm tired of meltdowns when I tell him that we aren't going on the church bus today.

I'm tired of washing my 12 year old's bedding because he wets the bed.  And I'm tired of watching my 9 year old like a hawk and putting him on the potty so I don't have to clean a 9 year old's bottom.  Again.  I'm tired of stepping in puddles of pee because said 9 year old holds it all day and doesn't know how to use the potty.  I am tired of spending $15/week on Pull Ups.  I'm tired of being jealous that someone's two year old is potty trained.  I'm tired of my 9 year old shouting "Momma!" at me because that is one of his few words.  I'm tired of hearing about a halloween costume in February.

I'm tired of reminding myself that I'm "oh-so-special-and-blessed-to-be-trusted-by-God" because I "get" to have two special needs kids.  Surely I would have learned my lesson with just one...  I'm tired of that tiny pang I feel when I allow myself to think about what a normal 12 year old would be doing or a normal 9 year old.  I'm tired of those looks by people who feel sorry for me.  I'm tired of remembering that I am blessed and I am lucky.  I'm tired of reminding myself that I'm lucky that my boys still snuggle or I'm lucky that they are innocent or I'm lucky that we still have Santa Claus.  Because right now I'm just tired.

So I'm sorry if I sound like a spoiled brat and a whiner.  But this is my blog.  I know all the platitudes and I know God did not promise unicorns and rainbows.

Soon I will feel a little bit better and I will remember my blessings and I will remember how lucky I am.  But for now, I'm going to sit here, computer in lap and tears streaming down my face.  And in about 15 minutes I'll hopefully turn my attitude around and start claiming God's promises.

Thank you for reading.  Come back next week when I'm not so tired!

My Guys are Lucky...

In my quest to focus on the positive and not be in constant "pity party mode", I've noticed a few reasons why my kids are lucky to have special needs.

Last weekend, we went to a Super Bowl birthday party for one of Zach's school mates.  Zach has two friends with the same name who are his absolute best friends in the entire world.  Anytime he has a chance to reference a friend or talk about a friend, he is talking about one of these guys.  When he sees them, he's absolutely ecstatic and runs to give him a hug. (Sometimes they will even make kissy noises.)  They jump up and down and dance when they see each other.

I love this example of pure friendship!  They enjoy each other and they aren't afraid to show it.  They aren't worried about what "someone will say" - they care about each other.  They hug.  So what if they are "tweeners" and should just high five or smile.  How many other guys their age can openly show their friendship.

My guys are lucky.  If they are excited to see their bestie - they hug.  Conversely, if they are upset, they can cry.  They don't have to have any pretenses.  They are lucky!

Today, we were at a popular playground and it was crawling with kids from a birthday party.  A little girl ran around and said, "It's time for cake! Come on, it's time for cake!"  My guys like cake and they heard someone telling people to come get cake.  So what if they weren't a part of the party...

So of course, off they ran.  Being the great parent that I am, I didn't see them run to the party.  But a few minutes later, I noticed Zach and Ryan enjoying a piece of cake...  I was mortified, but the party mom was gracious enough to let my guys eat cake.  She actually thought it was the part of the day!!  Not too many other kids their age could get away with that...

They are lucky!

Not the End of the World

I keep thinking about blogging more and I've written many posts (in my head)...  But this thought struck me as I was wasting time on Facebook.  Having a special needs child is not the worst thing in this life.  It's not the end of the world.  I will admit, at first, it seems like it might be the end of the world, but you get used to it and you learn things you never would have learned before.

I grieve.  I grieve what I wanted my children to be and do.  I get a little upset when I realize that Zach should be sitting in my class of 7th graders and he is not...  But I have dreamed new dreams for my boys.

A little while ago, I had a conversation with someone and I mentioned that I get upset about things my kids are missing out on.  But I realize that they don't know what they are missing; I'm missing it for them and why am I upset if they aren't?  They don't realize that they aren't going to slumber parties.  They don't realize that they don't have an Instagram, Facebook or Twitter.  They don't realize that they should have piles of homework or have to take some ridiculous civics test to pass 7th grade.  So if they aren't upset, why am I?

My boys have a pretty good life.  They don't have everything they want, but they have everything they need.  They travel, they've been to Disney, they get bored, they get in trouble, they have parents who love them, food on the table, a roof over their heads, and electronics.  They are told "no", they are told "yes", they are loved, they are cherished, they are happy.  In fact, they are down right joyful.  How many tweeners do you know who are full of joy?  I work with them and I can say in all honesty that they aren't all full of joy - some are, but not all.  My kids aren't bullied, my  kids aren't teased, my kids have innocent friendships.  They don't have boy/girl drama, no cyber-bullying, no drugs (well, do seizure and ADHD drugs count?), and they don't have negative peer pressure.  Not a bad deal...

So I will be the first to admit that I did not sign up for parenting special needs children, and I would love to know what it's like to parent a "typical" child.  But this life isn't the end of the world.  At the end of the day, I have children who love me and are loved.  What more could a parent ask for?

Late at night when I couldn't  sleep, I used to blame myself.  Was it the Tylenol I took? Was it the processed food I ate? Was it the cleaning supplies I bought at the big box store? That sounds crazy, right? But what else am I supposed to think when I read the "research".

I can drive myself crazy and eliminate every toxin in my environment, make every meal from scratch, and second guess every product and choice that I make.

Or... I could do the best I can to provide the best options for my kids and treat myself with grace.  I'm not advocating that we clean with carcinogens, but isn't there some balance we need to achieve? Perhaps I'm feeling defensive or want to justify my choices...  But I've endured enough judgmental comments that I bristle easily when this topic comes up.

Anyway...

Kids with special needs have a specific purpose for their lives - just like every other person on this planet.  And I'm reminded that my special needs kids have touched people in ways that typical children might not be able to.  So I'm the lucky that my world didn't end when we discovered that our kids have developmental delays, low tone, seizures, and are intellectually disabled.  Even though I would love to have a diagnosis, my out of the box kids are the beginning of a world only a few are privileged enough to be a part of.

Silver Airways

He did it!  Mark did it!  After three crazy weeks, he was offered a first officer job for Silver Airways.  On September 23rd, he started the adventure with ground school.  He has to learn all the FAA regulations and all the nitty-gritty details about the airplane he will be flying.

I feel like God gave him this job and made the path smooth, but I still get anxious.  Sometimes I worry about the lack of income and the bills that are piling up. (It's a lie that pilots make crazy, good money...  only the really senior captains of big airplanes roll in the dough.)  But when the anxiety starts to creep in, I have to remind myself that God is in control of this and he will work out the details.  He has yet to make us eat dirt and live in a cardboard box; I don't think He will start now.  

I know that we won't see much of Mark in the next few months, but I also know that it will get better as he gets more seniority.  I also know that once he can carry his own insurance, I will effectively get a "raise".  I hope to get to the point that we can live off my income and save his.  Hey! A girl can dream...

Mark also plans on selling his airplane, we have had to put $1500 of fuel bladders into the stupid thing and that is not counting the cost of labor!  Hopefully he is correct and we can sell the thing pretty quickly...  

We don't know where Mark's base will be, he put in his bid today.  It will probably be Mississippi, Virginia, West Virginia or Pennsylvania.  How is that for being narrowed down?  I figure he will have to find a crash pad and that is another source of worry.  But again, I know God has it figured out!  We also don't know what his schedule will be and how often he will be able to come home.  I think that will change monthly...  

I just know we are in a transition and God is in charge!!

Onto Bigger and (Hopefully) Better

The end of an era.  Time to move on. When one door closes another one opens. See ya later, alligator.

Whatever cliche you want to use, it fits. The last three weeks have been one, huge source of stress, but God has guided our footsteps each step of the way.

On August 22nd, I called my parents on my way home from work to wish them a happy 49th anniversary and as I was getting out of the car, a wet nose goosed me.  I wondered how Brewster got out of the house and then realized, Mark was home.  Early.  I don't know about you, but if my husband is home early, I only assume one thing and it isn't good news.  Sure enough, he learned that his job position was changing and they wanted to cut his hours by a fourth.  That was the final straw and we felt God telling us it was time to move on.  We talked and had no idea what he was going to do next, but we knew God would provide.  He took that afternoon and the following day off to pray.

That weekend, a dear friend of Mark's told him he would help him get hired at a regional airline.  Rob completely did Mark's resume, cover letter, and had it walked in.  Within two weeks of giving his notice at his old job, he had an interview lined up. In between being asked to interview and actually having the interview, Mark had to take the ATP written exam (no easy test) and get a physical.  There were a few glitches in the process, but God worked them all out - and quickly.

Three weeks to the day, he interviewed and was offered the job!

He reports to ground school the day after my birthday!  The big 4-0.  I love how it all adds up - a new season, a new decade.

I know having Mark work for the airline will be difficult and I won't see him much for the first few years, but being an airline pilot has been off and on his radar for twenty years!  Let's see how it goes...

And God lined the pieces up so nicely...  I am hopeful that we will get into a groove and God will bless us in the new adventure!

The Ways I wish I were like Zach

I was thinking about what I've learned from my kids and what qualities I wish I had.  I think God gives extra things to the people who have bigger obstacles than the rest of us. Zach is intellectually disabled and there are things that he can't do and won't ever do. But there are times that he is perfectly "normal" and logical.  And sometimes he has phrases that are just so age appropriate it makes me smile.  For example, when he is apologizing, he cries, he says he's sorry, he asks for a tissue and has recently added this gem: "I won't ever do it again."  So normal.

Some of the pictures are tiny and I have an explanation for that, but I won't bore you with it.  But here are some of the qualities I need to nurture in myself:

Complete awe and amazement during movies!  He discovered 3D for the first time this summer and it's more fun to watch him try and grab things than it is to actually watch the movie.  He's not afraid to jump up and try to grab the animation.  Such fun...

Know what you like and play with it... Talk about it... And just have fun!  Zach loves 3 things right now: Pirates, Monsters University, and Mermaids.  He talks about them NONSTOP and plays with them every opportunity he has.  

Working out is fun - just don't commit to doing it for too long.  Here he is using a foam roller as a barbell.  He's having a great time and he's not afraid to show the world how I work out.  In fact he's happy to demonstrate it at any time.

Eat what you like!  If you mainly eat apples and bananas, then chocolate won't be a problem!

Don't be afraid to wear your super hero cape!

The Obligatory Year in Review

Obviously I haven't blogged much this year, so here is a summary of my favorite memories of 2012. They are in no particular order, but I've chosen 12 because ya know... it seems appropriate!

 January... We got annual passes to Busch Gardens, unfortunately, we only went 3 times.  Here's a few lessons learned: Don't put your child on the new roller coaster right away.  He will be afraid of everything else.  Mother's Day is an excellent time for B.G.  We walked up to every ride!!

 In February we got our 4.5 year old dog, Brewster!  He's a perfect dog (except when he gets in the trash or eats chocolate.)

 In March, Grandma and Grandpa came for a visit!  I think they are Zach's favorite people...

 In April, I went to Indiana for my dad's retirement party!  I got to go by myself and it was a wonderful weekend with my parents!!  I hope to do more visits with them by myself...

This spring, we started playing TOPS Soccer - it's special needs soccer and each child has a buddy.  The boys love it and are much more involved than when they play Challenger Baseball!!

 I took my motorcycle class and Zach is sportin' my safety gear while he rides his scooter.  Safety first!!

In July we went on a road trip to Indiana and Michigan.  Our car broke down outside of Knoxville and that was stressful.  The boys were annoying and that was stressful.  But when not driving, we had a wonderful time!  Taking the boat to Power Island is certainly a highlight.  We also celebrated Zach's 11th birthday with family in Zionsville.  Zach loved that Grandma made his cake.  His favorite present was the whoopie cushion from Uncle Doug and Aunt Carla.

 What's not to love about the start of a school year?  Zach is in 6th grade with Mrs. Peters and Ryan is in 2nd grade with Ms. Dziadik.  We LOVE their teachers and are impressed by the great job they do!!

Challenger Baseball...

The moment Zach's birthday was over, he started talking about Halloween.  He wanted to be a "Yee-haw Cowboy".  And Ryan *had* to be Buzz Lightyear.  We bought the costume in September but had to hide it because he was waking up waaaay to early to wear the costume.  On November 1st, he changed his focus to Christmas... just like the Big Box Stores...

 Ryan turned 8!!!  My baby... 8!!!

Zach loved the traditions of Christmas.  Immediately after Halloween, he started talking about it...  We put the decorations up after Thanksgiving and every night Zach asked if it was time to make cookies for Santa.

Some of my favorite lines of the year: 
* While the boys play restuarant, Zach says, "What you want?" and then writes your order.  Ryan asks, "Ah-ah?" This is his way of asking, "How many hot dogs do you want?"
* We let Zach answer the phone during all the political calls... he had plenty of opportunity to ask, "What you be?" As in... what's your halloween costume?
* When Zach wants your attention and you don't answer immediately, he says, "You-who!"
* Zach has learned that presents are "Secrets"... not hat he doesn't tell you what's in it!
* Brewster is known as "Boober".

Thanks for looking... we have some big goals for 2013!!  I will share those soon!!

Ryan is 8!

Wow!  How is my little munchkin/peanut/shrimpy-shrimp/littlest one/tumbleweed eight years old?  How can he get older and I stay the same age?

Ryan is the little one who will melt your heart with hugs, kisses and this gigantic grin.  He loves to help and does so without being asked.  One of his favorite things is to hand out the snacks or dinner plates. He is always so concerned that Zach gets his food first!  He will chase Zach around the house to give him the first snack.

Ryan is the one who loves to play computer, loves to take pictures and look at pictures, he loves to climb and bounce around.  He does this little hop thing that is just so adorable.

But Ryan is also the one who is super stubborn and knows exactly what buttons to push to send you over the edge.

Ryan has come so far and is really trying to communicate without grunts and hitting.  I know he gets frustrated when we don't understand what he wants, but this is where being stubborn is a positive... he doesn't give up until we get it.

I've often wondered if I would have had Ryan if I had known he would have the same "funk" as Zach.  The answer is yes!  He brings so much joy and I know God has a huge plan for his life and it will be accomplished through his "funk".  (As I type this, he is tipping chairs over.) I know God created Ryan exactly the way He wanted him to be.  So like all parents, we have the huge job of shaping him into the best he can be!

Just a little thought...

I'm going to pretend that I'm totally caught up on blogging and that you know all the nitty gritty details of my world.  Here's the summary: 6th grade for Zach, 2nd grade for Ryan, dog barks too much, Mark still flies, and I'm still in the media center.  Baseball and soccer start soon.

Anyway...

My church is starting "The Story" series - 31weeks through the Bible.  Sunday School, small groups and worship all center on God's story.  Last week we talked about creation and how God just desparately wants to be with us.  When we tried to take things into our own hands, the "virus of sin" entered the human genes.  God still wants to be with us even though we disobey.  I was reminded of something interesting.  There's a poet -rapper(I think that's what you would call him) named Prop.  And he talked about how God spoke the earth, the heavens, the sea, the sky, the days, the months, the animals into existence.  But for us humans, he got down in the mud and formed us himself - with his hands.  He did not just speak us into being.  How cool is that?

Anyway, this week we learned about Abraham and how God promised to build a nation through this elderly, barren couple.  They stepped out in faith and moved from their hometown.  They didn't know where they were going - just that God would show them.  I would have a seriously hard time packing up my house and family and just going.  Not knowing where I was headed - just going...  Every intersection I would be stressed out wondering if God wants me to turn or go straight.

Later, Abraham and Sara finally had a baby.  Just one.  Then they had two grandkids.  This is a pretty slow start to nation building.  Eventually they had 12 great grandchildren (who they probably didn't meet) that because the 12 tribes of Israel.

At small group, the question was posed, what is God asking you to do by faith.  I was seriously stumped.  For awhile, I've felt like I'm on the verge of something big -but for now just in a holding pattern. I have no idea what the "big" is - I have dreams of what I would like it to be... but that doesn't mean it's God's plan for me.  So I pondered this all evening.  And I realized something.

God is calling me to do all sorts of "little" things and I'm not doing them.  He urges me to call someone.  I ignore it.  He urges me to send a card.  I ignore it.  He urges me to invite someone over for dinner. I ignore it.  So it stands to reason that if I'm ignoring the little things there is no way I'm ready for the big things.

So my challenge - call to action if you will - is to respond to the little things and practice with that!! I'm excited to see what fun is in store!!

So it's been awhile...

We will just forget that it has been 6 months since I've blogged.  Of course, plenty has happened, but nothing super exciting - unless Ryan acting like a terror, Zach having tons of seizures, and me doing nothing while the boys are in summer school is exciting.

Anyway, Zach has been saying some pretty cute stuff lately and I wanted to record the ones I remember.  This is for my memories and probably won't be that cute for you.

• We won tickets to a baseball game and I'm not allowed to go he told me that Sue can come.
• He wanted an expensive backpack and I wanted him to explain why.  He told me that Brewster ate his backpack.  So I asked why it had to be this particular one and what he needed it for.  He said, "Umm.  Hmmm.  I want to bring my teacher movies in my backpack."
• While at Target, he told me, "Daddy said I'm not allowed to have new shoes.  Daddy says we can only buy backpacks."
• When asked how old he is, he says, "I'm four on Saturday."
• He finds fart noises and burps hilarious. He loves to imitate the burping of happy birthday...
• He calls the Internet motorcycle store "Bike broken store"

I'm sure there is more and I will add to it...

But not to be left out, Ryan is doing a better job of talking.  He's got quite a few mastered including Momma, more, home, phone, done, sound, daddy and Brewster.

Brewster!

I'm happy to announce that Brewster is now a Mikarts!  He is the perfect dog! I have yet to hear him bark, he follows Mark around like a shadow, and he is not a "lick-y" type dog.  He lets Zach use him as a pillow.  He LOVES play catch and lets the boys chase balls with him.  When he goes for a walk... he goes for a walk - the dude does not like to dwaddle!

We are in love and will post pictures soon!

We Want a Dog

Yes, folks, we are crazy.  We want a dog.  Not just any dog, a labrador retriever. And notice that I said "Dog" not "puppy"?  After many months of thought, consideration, and procrastination, Mark and I decided to move ahead with the dog.

It's a lengthy process - submit application, home study, dog selection, meet dog, get approved by foster parent, get dog.  We could just go to the Humane Society and pick out a dog, but we want to be matched to the perfect dog...

The volunteer who does the home study was sick on the day of our initial appointment and we ended up waiting another week.  When she did come, she was super awesome and was great with my kids (a sign that she is top-notch). She told us that it takes a few weeks for the right dog.  I said all the right words about being patient, but my actions this week prove otherwise.

I became obsessed.  I must have emailed Gwen 10,000 times.  I narrowed my desire down to a fat, yellow lab in Ft. Myers named Buddy and a chocolate lab in Ft. Lauderdale named Brewster.  Brewster has a deformed back paw and primarily uses 3 legs.  Many people consider that a deal breaker (including my mean husband.)  For me, it endeared him to me that much more.  But I really, really want a yellow lab.  So I decided that if the deformed paw is not an issue, I shouldn't even consider it in my decision.  I told Gwen that I choose Buddy.

She emailed me the next day... Buddy is already taken.  I'm happy with Brewster and want to load up the car and drive to Ft. Lauderdale and bring that dude home!!  BUT... remember the 3-4 week process?

Yes folks, Gwen is out of town this weekend and so I won't be able to make the Brewster connection for another week.  Bummer. Bummer. Bummer.  I'm also worried that the foster family wants to keep him.  They said that he is the best dog they have ever had!

So I'm telling this story to share an interesting irony...  We want to provide overnight care for a friend's foster son (grandson, really).  But to get the social worker out to our house to approve our home is next to impossible. I find it interesting that the dog people are much more available and much better corresponders than the people in charge of children! Seriously! The social worker can't come later than 3 pm or earlier than 8 am.  Hello... I work from 8:30 - 4:30.  Wouldn't you want people with steady jobs to watch the kids??  So I won't be able to provide care for this sweet boy until the summer - when I'm available for a home visit.  Crazy and not fair to his foster parents - or my boys who play really well when he is around!

Update: We are hopefully going to meet Brewster this afternoon.  He is 3 hours away and Mark isn't completely on board.  He doesn't like the deformed paw or the pointy face - rather than blocky face.  His foster mom called him the best dog she has fostered. He doesn't need a crate, he doesn't need obedience class, he likes to be around people, he seems perfect!

Zach is still a spaz and other tidbits

Zach is still a spaz and we had to tweak his seizure meds, so we can't tweak the ADHD until we know the seizures are under control.  That just makes for long, interesting, and sometimes funny nights. He becomes hard to control and defiant when the ADHD meds aren't working.  It's not horrible, but I have to be on my "parental" game all the time.

Here are some random tidbits of our lives - most of these are Tweets or Facebook statuses.

Tonight I made chocolate chip cookies and Zach thinks they are spooky.  He would rather eat Chips Ahoy with all the transfat possible.  I told him, "You can have an apple after you eat my cookie."  Seriously.  How many of you have had to say that?

I got this note from his teachers, "Zach might need a bath tonight.  He and a classmate were barking like dogs during recess.  I told them they should pretend to be earthworms so they would be quiet.  Zach went over to the grass and played worm."  I love it!!

I lost my keys for 3 days. I searched high and low at work.  I found them during Sunday School.  In my purse. I forgot about the secret pocket...  I wish I could say this was my first time doing something stupid like that.  It's not the first and won't be the last.

We got 10 yards of dirt and I shoveled most of it one Friday afternoon.  It took 2 hours the next day to be finished.  I felt great.  I get a text from Mark on Monday asking if I ordered more dirt.  Apparently, we only got half of the load on Friday...  We didn't have anywhere to put the new dirt!

Ryan has this really cute, "Stop" and "Go" thing he does with his hands.  It's so cute!!!  You need to come see!!

The other day Ryan was being stubborn and I said, "Ryan! You are forgetting who the boss is."  Ryan replies, "Meeeeee..."

Basketball is over and soccer and baseball are starting.  I can't wait to see how soccer goes.  We have a baseball game this Saturday - Brandon and Kane are joining us!  I am excited to see how all the boys play together. If it's like last time, it will be great - the boys play together and don't need me.  Every once in awhile, they will say my name just to make sure I haven't left.  It's so cute!! I just hope Kane doesn't mind that Zach will follow him EVERYWHERE he goes!

Maybe next time I blog I will actually have something to write about!

Alien Invasion

It's happened. The aliens have invaded my oldest son. I knew middle school years would be tough - I have been teaching middle schoolers for 17 years. (Yes, I started teaching at age 11 - I'm gifted like that.) I've always said that I'm not sure how I will survive the middle school years. I can't believe my sweet baby Zach will be a middle schooler next year. (I can't make this paragraph behave)

The alien invasion has been slowly happening. A little 2nd look at a girl here; an additional glance there... A little mood swing here; a little mood swing there. Then on January 16th at around 3 pm it happened. The full blown invasion. I'm not kidding. I know the exact day!

A little kid came over to play and when he left, Zach hasn't been the same. Kane was the UFO that brought the aliens. Defiance. Mood swings. Spastic behavior. I'm not ready for this. Zach isn't even anywhere near puberty but the aliens are here. And I don't know what to do... (And Kane is an adorable, great kid - he's full of energy, but he listens and stops doing what you ask him to not do - so I don't know how he got mixed up with these aliens...)

You see when teaching an alien-possessed boy, you send him home at the end of the day. You talk a good talk with the parents. You smile, you tell them this too shall pass. But you don't really have to live with it. As a parent, it's all different. I find my self frustrated. Yelling. Sending him to his room and then laughing about whatever he did. I'm just praying that God puts the right tool in my box. And here is where * I think * I deserve extra sympathy - Zach can't communicate well and this adds to the mood swings...

For example, yesterday we had complete meltdown because it was my turn to go to the dentist. His turn isn't for 2 weeks. He could not understand why he had to wait and he melted. A complete puddle of sobs. Over the dentist.

I'll keep you updated on adventures with a pre-pubescent alien-infested boy.

I know, how did these cute thing become one of THEM?!

So stinkin' hard

Here I am having a lovely day, enjoying life and thankful for all the blessings I have. Three days until Christmas Break and kids who are uber excited about Christmas. Finally, Zach gets that Christmas is not about Santa, but about Jesus' birthday. I'm feeling pretty good.

Then wham! A phone call that gets me shaking. Literally. I'm not going to elaborate on that phone call, but it's not a good one. And now I'm faced with something I am ill-prepared to deal with. And I don't know what to do or even what questions to ask. I'm stunned. Then, the realization that I need to talk to Mark about this- and that is going to suck. A lot.

I hurry home only to find out that he isn't here yet because of a super-long meeting at work. So four hours after the initial yucky phone call, I still haven't had a chance to talk to Mark. And this is driving me crazy, but is not the point of this post.

But the bottom line is, I find that I need to forgive two people. The one person who did something much worse is easier to forgive. The person who should be easier to forgive is much harder. Why is that? And why is it so stinkin' hard to forgive? I know it's important, I know why I have to, I just don't know HOW. I pray. I ask God but it seems like there should be more to the process. I don't know... like whack myself on the head with a thick Bible or say a certain prayer. So instead I will focus on scripture that addresses forgiveness.

And I will be thankful that it's not hard for God to forgive me. And that prayers of protection work. And that God made us all different and if everyone were like me, the world would be an even bigger train wreck. I am not sure that I will ever like this second person, but I can't let him take up so much space in my brain. Not forgiving him will not make this person nicer, more loving, or less legalistic. Not forgiving will make me equally bad.

Any hints on how to forgive? Now accepting all suggestions...

Ever feel like this?

I think we all have those moments where we wonder what is going on. I'm just lucky enough to have caught it on film... We all (except Zach) have that "Huh?" look!

The Littlest Mikarts is SEVEN!

Ryan is seven!!!  It's hard to believe that this little man has made seven laps around the sun!  Sometimes I wonder where time has gone and other days I wonder if he shouldn't be seventeen (you know on those really looooonnnnngggg days!).

Ryan is a spunky little ball of love and wiggles.  He has brought much joy and yes, much frustration (just being honest folks...) Here are seven random things I love about Ryan!

1. Ryan has this smile that is pure mischief.  He loves life and loves to smile and laugh.  Even though he doesn't talk well, he loves to joke around and have fun.

 2. Ryan is a lover!  He loves to give hugs and he is fantastic snuggler (as long as it is on his terms.)  When you pick him up, he just melts into you and puts his head on your shoulder.  It's 100% sweetness.

 3. He has earned the nickname, Mr. Wiggle-bottom.  He has this little duck walk where he sticks his bottom out and then bounces as he walks.  He also loves to jump -especially when you are trying to help him with his shoes and socks.

 4. Ryan is a charmer.  But don't ever tell him he is cute.  That is his invitation to "destroy" you.  When you give him the cute card, he turns into a terrorist. He knows exactly what buttons to push to get his way.

 5. Ryan is a whiz on the computer.  He loves to play games, listen to music and look at pictures (of himself, of course.  He would love to know that I made a whole blog post about him...)

 6. Ryan is tough.  He takes stitches without flinching (of course, removal of said stitches is much more traumatic). Even though he has a high pain threshold and likes to swat at people, he is compassionate. He doesn't like to see Zach cry and is right there giving hugs and kisses.  I hope he does this with his friends too...

7. Ryan is a helper.  He loves to clean up and he is usually the first to start cleaning up his mess.

I have often wondered if we would have had two kids knowing they would both have the funk. I am happy to report that YES we would!  Ryan is a crazy spunk ball who has richly blessed our family.  I love this crazy kid!!

Happy birthday little man!

Thankful

On Facebook, people are posting things they are thankful for and a pretty strange one popped in my mind.

I'm thankful for my kids' disability.

Yes, I'm thankful.

It has been a long, difficult journey to get to this place and I know that I won't be in this "place" forever. I'll backslide into the feelings of self-pity and the "it's not fairs".

But right now I'm thankful.

I'm thankful because there are so many things that I won't have to worry about. I don't have to worry about my kids getting picked on at school. I don't have to worry about them getting involved with the wrong crowd. I don't have to worry about them not being "smart enough" or "pretty enough" or "popular enough".

I'm thankful because they have so much joy. My 10 year old has his emotions right on the surface and he cries. He doesn't hold it in and try to be "manly". He cries and I can fix it - or easily distract him!

I'm thankful because they still like "Sprout" and aren't into TV shows that are "too much!" Dora the Explorer is better than some scantily-dressed girl.

I'm thankful because the bus picks them up at our driveway and there will never be a fight at the bus stop. (Ok, never mind, the boys fight with each other, but that's normal, right?)

I'm thankful because my kids aren't into expensive toys or clothing brands. They don't know the difference between a hand-me down and a designer brand.

I'm thankful because I won't have to pay car insurance for teenage boys!

I'm thankful because what the world sees as disabled, God sees as amazing potential. And I know that God will use my boys to do some mighty big things. In fact, I know He made them this way for a purpose that only they can do, with the gifts He gave them. Just like He made you the way you are and me the way I am...

There are so many more reasons I'm thankful for their disabilities. But just know that I'm blessed! I have met some amazing people, seen some amazing kids, and have been part of a supportive community. I've learned so much from my children and the victories we have achieved have been that much sweeter. This is certainly not the version of parenthood I signed up for, I'm thankful that it is the one I have!