Warning: I'm whiny. If you don't want to hear my pity party, then click away, I won't mind.
Still here? I'm having one of those pity party weekends. I'm sure you are familiar with them. It's the kind of weekend where you are jealous of everyone else's life. Where it seems that everyone has a much better situation than you. Yep, I'm having one of those. I guess it's because I'm tired. I try to stay positive and think about my blessings, but right now, I don't want to. I'm tired. And I know every parent gets tired, but I just want to cry.
I'm tired of having to listen really hard to what Zach is saying and try to figure out what he wants before I just say, "Yes" to shut him up. For example, "Tuesday" and "Suitcase" sound alike in Zachese. But honestly, if I have to unpack the suitcase one more time, I might scream. Yes, I know it's my fault for talking about trips that are weeks and months away. But why can't he just hear me when I say, "Not yet!" I'm tired of having to explain that his birthday is not tomorrow. I'm tired of meltdowns when I tell him that we aren't going on the church bus today.
I'm tired of washing my 12 year old's bedding because he wets the bed. And I'm tired of watching my 9 year old like a hawk and putting him on the potty so I don't have to clean a 9 year old's bottom. Again. I'm tired of stepping in puddles of pee because said 9 year old holds it all day and doesn't know how to use the potty. I am tired of spending $15/week on Pull Ups. I'm tired of being jealous that someone's two year old is potty trained. I'm tired of my 9 year old shouting "Momma!" at me because that is one of his few words. I'm tired of hearing about a halloween costume in February.
I'm tired of reminding myself that I'm "oh-so-special-and-blessed-to-be-trusted-by-God" because I "get" to have two special needs kids. Surely I would have learned my lesson with just one... I'm tired of that tiny pang I feel when I allow myself to think about what a normal 12 year old would be doing or a normal 9 year old. I'm tired of those looks by people who feel sorry for me. I'm tired of remembering that I am blessed and I am lucky. I'm tired of reminding myself that I'm lucky that my boys still snuggle or I'm lucky that they are innocent or I'm lucky that we still have Santa Claus. Because right now I'm just tired.
So I'm sorry if I sound like a spoiled brat and a whiner. But this is my blog. I know all the platitudes and I know God did not promise unicorns and rainbows.
Soon I will feel a little bit better and I will remember my blessings and I will remember how lucky I am. But for now, I'm going to sit here, computer in lap and tears streaming down my face. And in about 15 minutes I'll hopefully turn my attitude around and start claiming God's promises.
Thank you for reading. Come back next week when I'm not so tired!