You know, sometimes I really have to call upon that verse, a whole lot, and remember that God has this whole thing figured out. ["For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."]
I could probably stop this blog right here and that verse would mean different things to me at different times of the day - and I'm sure you can relate.
But I'm thinking about my kids right now. And something that happened at church just tears me up (you could use either tears as in rips, or tears as in boo-hoo and they would both fit.) The other day in children's church, Zach had gas and all the kids around him were making fun of him. I know this is normal childhood behavior, but a normal kid would know what he did and why it's so funny. But Zach isn't normal and didn't get it. So he probably responded in his usual happy way but kinda wondered why everyone was laughing. I don't know if Zach internalizes this as being picked on or made fun of, but it sure bothered the adults in the room.
So last night at our church supper, Carla the children's director, told me about the situation. Some of the kids who have been the nicest to Zach were the meanest to him in that room. So on Sunday, I'm going to go to Children's church and explain to them about Zach and how God loves us all and has made each of us different. I'm excited about this and planning what to say.
But (there's always a but...) it just brings up all of my insecurities and worries. I am so thankful that Zach has joy and doesn't appear to get it when he's the butt of jokes. When does that change? And when it does it will rip me apart even more. Then I think, oh man, I have to go through this with Ryan, too. I think kids - and even adults - don't know how to react to my boys. I really wish that people would ask questions so they understand. I think if people understood, then they wouldn't tease. But I really fear middle school. And this is also awful and I know - but I wish my kids had Down's Syndrom - because then we'd have a label and people would know what to expect and there would be physical signs. Maybe that's it, maybe part of me just really wants a box to fit in. Want's to know what's causing my children to be developmentally delayed.
So I cling to the Lord's promise in Jeremiah and I know that God has a plan and he never promised us an easy life. But I just wish I had "normal" kids. And I know there are people out there that aren't able to have kids, but sometimes, I can't see that and I'm swallowed up in my self-pity. And it's all because I want the very, very best for my children and I don't know what that looks like. I know that doesn't make me different from any other mom, but if you looked into the future and saw what I see, you'd have tears too. Do you know how hard it was to finally come to the conclusion that Zach doesn't need a college fund? And then to wonder what to do with that money? Wow, that was tough.
I'm not looking for sympathy, just love my boys and treat them with extra kindness. And, know that if Mark, the boys, and I seem to disappear from the face of the earth, we are actually on some secluded island sheltering our children from life. Yes, I know that's not the answer either, but it's tempting! Maybe I can buy the island with Zach's college money?