I was really struggling with being joyful for others. Every where I turned it seemed like people were receiving miracles, specifically healing from different afflictions and diagnoses for their children. Meanwhile, I was in self-pity-mode because I don't have a diagnosis for my children and I won't ever have "normal" kids who go off to college and give me grandbabies. Boo-hoo poor me, wah, wah, wah...
The Bible clearly tells us to celebrate with those who celebrate and mourn with those who mourn. I was all about the mourning; I just couldn't be truly joyful. And I hated it. But I wasn't willing to stop being a booger.
So this morning I was particularly weary and I ran into Jen at work. She asked innocently, "How are you?" And I said, "Well, ya know, I'm weary." She immediately understood and then I said, "I have no reason to complain... here you just finished battling the biggest thing ever - cancer - and I'm whining." She was gracious and said, "Each of us has a big thing and if we keep saying ours isn't important, we would never take it to God."
We continued in the conversation and she talked about how she was afraid to say that she is cured of the cancer. She clearly heard God tell her she was cured, but was afraid to say anything because she didn't want to upset people who didn't have the same outcome. She said she was praying for a miracle - if it was God's will. But then she realized that adding that clause "God's will" is like an automatic out to not really believe you will have the miracle. So she started praying for the miracle and believing the miracle would happen. She fully recognized that no matter what God chose to do in her life, it would be ok with her - but she wanted that miracle. She compared it to a child at Christmas. When they ask for something, they don't say, "I want this doll, if it's your will Dad." They simply say, "I really really want this doll." And as the parent, you do everything you can to do what's best for your child. Our faith is to be "child-like" and that means - asking for the miracle. The people healed in the Bible believed full well they would be healed and they acted upon it. [I'm sure you people who are much more well versed in the Bible than I am might see some flaws in my paragraph, but it's MY blog.]
Anyway, so I'm choosing to pray for the miracle - like a child - and not add the "God's will clause." I know that the miracle will either be the miracle or the change in my attitude. Either way, it's a miracle.
So here's what I'm praying for:
1st: Clear speech for Zachary and Ryan.
2nd: Zachary and Ryan will be able to read and be functionally literate.
3rd: A diagnosis of what's causing my children's funk. I want to fit into a box and have people to relate to.
[I am going to put a caveat on the clear speech - speech about a variety of topics, not just having friends over to watch movies. Those of you who know Zach will appreciate my caveat.]
Because I am no actively expecting the miracle, I can finally feel happy for those who got their miracle. Because, duh, they prayed for and expected their miracles!
Won't you pray with me? Please, please, pretty please?