Saturday, February 19, 2011

Why can't it be enough?

I don't really know how to start this post.  I don't exactly know how to say this without sounding bad for a variety of reasons.  So, I'm just going to jump right in...

Last summer one of my work besties lost her son in a horrible motorcycle accident.  I have witnessed first hand how God sustains her.  I have seen Jesus be her only hope and comfort.  I have felt useless as I see her struggle through the pain.

Last week, one of Agape's missionaries in Haiti lost their four year old daughter to cancer. And while I don't know the Whittakers, my heart is breaking.  I can't imagine the pain, but I have better idea because of Patti has shared her struggles with me.

I often feel sorry for myself because I will never be a grandmother, I will never be a mother-in-law.  In a sense, I mourn my boys' futures.

And then, I think about Susanah's parents.  They won't be able to walk her down the aisle or hold her newborn baby.

And this is where I get so mad at myself.  I get to see the joy on Zach and Ryan's face when they are happy.  Or the tears when they are upset.  I get to snuggle with them in the morning.  I get to kiss them good night.  I get to receive hugs when they get on the bus each morning.  I get to put them in time out when they do something they shouldn't.  So while their future isn't what I wanted when I started to dream about being a parent, but they have a future.  They have a Jesus who created them exactly as they are for a purpose only they can fulfill.

Why can't it be enough for me?  Why does it take someone else's pain for me to put my life into perspective?  Why do I continually act like the brat that didn't get her Christmas stocking filled?

How do I make this perspective stick?

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