A box...

So has it really been two and a half months since I've blogged? I'd believe it. A lot has happened and before I get to what's really on my mind, I'll share the highlights:

1. Summer Vacation

2. Mission trip to Belle Glade with the most amazing high school kids. Ever.

3. Normal summer routine.

4. Visit from long-time friends.

5. Sunburn

6. Normal summer nothingness

7. Mission trip to San Juan, Dominican Republic with the most amazing high school kids.

8. Upcoming high school reunion.

9. Upcoming return to work two weeks sooner than normal.

Now that the summary is out of the way, I can get to what is on my heart.

Back in April we repeated genetics tests on Zach. We redid a chromosomal microray analysis and the Fragile X screener. I got the results today and guess what? My son is NORMAL. Now, if you know my son or have heard me talk about my son you will know he is as far from normal as they come.

My initial reaction was, of course, tears. I cried. I just want to know what they have. I know I can't fix it and I can't make it better, but I can at least have a group to belong to! So in the middle of my tears, my irrational brain spiraled out of control. Here are a few of my STUPID thoughts...

God can't use us when we don't know what is wrong

Why do I even bother anymore... why should I keep trying to find out

We are destined to be alone forever floating out in no where land

And so on...

I ended up putting my frustration as my Facebook Status, grabbed my Bible, journal and beach chair and headed to the place I go to see clearly. The beach.

I started reading my Bible and asked God to fill me with his truth. Of course, I'm reading through the Bible in a year and right now I'm reading the prophets and it's not exactly the most encouraging reading. Jeremiah is telling Judah that they are about to get God's wrath full-on! So I journaled a bit and processed my thoughts. Then a message came through and it was a FB reply from a friend. She reminded me that I do have a box! Loved and a Child of God. She offered to make a form and check those boxes. I might just make a form and hide it so I run across it every now and again. Here are the boxes I can include:

Child of God (check)

Loved by God and so many others (check)

Created for a purpose (check)

Friend of God (check)

There are a few other boxes to add, but you get the idea! So I was reminded that God uses us, exactly as we are. We don't need to be perfect, have a label, or have a plan. He will reveal to me my next step if I would just be quiet and listen. My first step is to turn to the Voice of Truth and forget about the rest.

Won't you join me on that journey? And remind me when I get to far ahead of myself or doubt that God can use a family with two sons with generic developmental delays?

It's Days Like These...

It's days like these that make me want to trade my problems for someone else's.

Let me set the stage: I am tired.  I am unmotivated.  A few more annoyances popped up, again.  Zach pooped on the lanai, again.  Ryan desperately wants to wear underwear but can't figure out how to pee in the potty.  And there is drama.  Husband/wife drama and parent/child drama and 9 year old imagined drama.

So as I am cleaning up poop, I get really frustrated and I wish I lived someone else's life.  I'm not sure who I would pick, but surely their problems aren't as bad as mine.

Then more thoughts pop in my head.  Their problems are just as bad as mine, just different.  I've gotten to know enough people to know that no one has the perfect life.  We might not openly share our problems, but we all have them.  And I think about something my friend said, "If we all put our problems in a circle, we would pick our own out again."

So, I would love to trade lives with someone... knowing full well I would want mine back again.  Maybe this time, though, I would appreciate what I have. Because it is the life God gave to me.  And these are the people He picked for me.  And His plan is perfect... even when I forget.

My Fifteen Minutes of Fame

This local TV show wanted to do a show on this program, Buddy Break, that we are involved in.  Buddy Break is a chance for parents of special needs children to get a break for 3 hours a month.  The special needs child and their siblings have a one-on-one buddy and the kids set the agenda.  The parents get a break!

So as part of the show, they wanted to spend time with a family that benefits from Buddy Break.  That would be us...  I talked to the producer and she seemed totally cool and encouraging - so I figured... what the heck, I love attention... I love talking about my kids and how God has a super amazing plan for their lives.

I dropped the kids off at Buddy Break last Saturday and wasn't sure if I would be interviewed then or not.  Sure enough, I was.  Now, a normal person would have make up on in case they were interviewed.  Further proof that I am not normal... I was au naturale...  Mark and I then went to a bbq rib fest and chowed down.  God, in His amazing grace, made sure I did not spill any sauce on my shirt because we went directly to pick them up.  I was interviewed again... this time, no make up and sweaty.  That footage will be lovely!

She came to the house tonight to see a typical evening...  Before I describe that, let me just say, the thought of having TV cameras at your house is nerve wracking!  I wanted to redecorate, but never did.  Last night I was in a total state of panic because I have dinged walls and the toys aren't in the right bins.  But then a conversation flashed back to earlier when my friend reminded me that we weren't chosen because we were perfect... we were chosen because we were real.  So I settled for a clean house that has no style.

And of course, the kids were perfect for the camera and now they are a bunch of wild monkeys.

Well, tonight was fun!  Aside from a few, "I hope they edit this" moments.  Here are the highlights that I hope they edit:
1.  Please don't show me looking like Jobba the Hut sitting in a chair waiting for the bus.
2. Please don't judge me for making macaroni and cheese with hot dogs for dinner.  It was 100% beef hot dogs and Kraft brand.  I did add strawberries and green pepper as a side dish.  I wanted easy and something they would actually eat.
3. Mark was talking about the point sheets the kids get at school.  He made it sound like we use the TV as a babysitter and "real" toys like blocks and Legos are punishment!  Ugh.
4. I hope they have a special filter that takes 10 lbs off - well, 50 would be ideal, but I don't want to get carried away.
5. I hope they include the part about God having a special purpose for my kids that couldn't be accomplished if they were "normal".
6. Ryan needs a haircut. I wonder if the filter that takes off my 50 pounds can trim his hair too?

I'm sure I'll add more to the list and I'll let y'all know when the show airs unless I look like the fat cow that I feel like. Or sound stupid. Or am generally mortified by the appearance of my kids or myself. Or... or... or...

Just some unrelated stories

Zach is talking up a storm...  He is getting attitude too.  Now, I'm not really complaining about this - but we now need to work on respectful ways to talk to mommy and daddy.

Zach has learned to "Shhhh" only it comes out with just the s sound.  He loves to say, "Sssss, go away, you're mean."

We have a rule that you have to stay sitting at the dinner table or go to your room.  We also send Zach to his room when he is not being pleasant.  Last night, he didn't like what I said to him, so he said, "You need to go to YOUR room." Complete with attitude.

Zach is also obsessed with Disney.  But he actually seems completely overwhelmed by the park and the rides. I think he likes the anticipation better than the actual place.  He even has his bag packed for the next trip.

And finally, Zach has learned "Ta da!" And he knows how to use it!

Ryan, like all youngest children, has learned a few key phrases of his own.  "Mine" in a high pitched screech is always effective.  He has also learned, "Give it back, it's mine!"  But that is not a sentence, it's one word pronounced like this "givbakitmine"

Tonight, I got my haircut and the stylist said, "I like your hair long, you look pretty.  But let me get my glasses so I can confirm."  Gee, thanks?

Trying to figure out the summer vacation and it is driving me batty.  My 20th reunion is this summer and so we might as well make it the vacation.  But really?  A week in Indiana?  No thank you.

This kid made my day!

Last week, the Challenger Baseball Team travelled to Port Charlotte to play their baseball team. We went last year and I remember it being especially fun. I also remember Ryan tumbling down the bleacher stairs with a piece of pizza in his hand - and he managed to keep his pizza safe.

This year, we got there a bit early and the coach was giving the early bird kids a buddy. To the two girls that he selected for Ryan, the coach said, "Don't tell him he's cute; he'll railroad you!" I laughed that the coach knew this - and knew he needed to warn them!

So after a little bit, I look up and notice that Ryan is no longer with the cute girls. Instead, he is crawling all over this kid. And this kid is having a great time! He spent the entire game catering to Ryan's every whim. He snuggled, he chased, he held, he played. And I had the best time watching.


But that wasn't the best part. The best part was that he intentionally switched buddies and requested Ryan. He was with Ryan last year and really hoped to see him again. I can't quite find the words to explain what it meant to me that someone specifically asked for my kids. I usually spend way to much time worrying that no one wants to hang with my kids - that they aren't someone's "first choice". (Yes, I know how awful that sounds. And yes, I know that it is messed up.) And here is this junior in high school who waited for my Ryan!

And that's not even the end of it. While eating pizza after the game, his friends were sitting on the left side of the bleachers, and this kid (who has a name) sat next to Ryan, helped him with his soda, got him more pizza and just loved on Ryan. Yes, a junior guy, who is popular and macho, stayed with Ryan and helped him. And he acted like it was no big deal.

Even though I told him how amazing I thought he was, he has no idea how much I appreciate him choosing my son! It brings tears to my eyes. I am so impressed with this kid! And he will probably never know the impact of his kindness. Thank you, M!

Will I really miss these things?

I love to tell stories about the "cute" and frustrating things my kids do.  And several friends tell me I should write a book about my life - (yea, I agree... "Really?" is what I have to say to that idea too!) And my friends with older kids tell me that I will miss these days, so every so often, I want to record the things that I will supposedly miss...  This is mainly for my benefit, but you are welcome to read along...

They say I will miss...

Peanut butter smeared on my couches and windows
Being awakened at 5 am on the weekends to a little boys banging in their rooms - building an addition onto their house as Mark says.
Turning shirts around so they are on the right way
Putting seat belts on the kids every time we get in the car
Reminding climbing monkeys to get their feet on the floor and to stop scaling my furniture
Fishing toys out of the pool that were thrown over the baby gate
Hearing Ryan alternate between, "Mama" and "Mine"
Brushing little teeth
Wiping noses.
The goofy grown up teeth that are way to big for their head
The toothless grin that Ryan has
Snuggles when they don't feel well
The way their head fits perfectly on my shoulder when I am carrying them on my hip
Their excitement about getting on the bus and the hugs when they get off the bus
How Zach calls Mark, "Mark"
Eating the apples non-stop

Ok, so a few of these I will miss...  Stay tuned for my next rambling, non-sensical message!

Why can't it be enough?

I don't really know how to start this post.  I don't exactly know how to say this without sounding bad for a variety of reasons.  So, I'm just going to jump right in...

Last summer one of my work besties lost her son in a horrible motorcycle accident.  I have witnessed first hand how God sustains her.  I have seen Jesus be her only hope and comfort.  I have felt useless as I see her struggle through the pain.

Last week, one of Agape's missionaries in Haiti lost their four year old daughter to cancer. And while I don't know the Whittakers, my heart is breaking.  I can't imagine the pain, but I have better idea because of Patti has shared her struggles with me.

I often feel sorry for myself because I will never be a grandmother, I will never be a mother-in-law.  In a sense, I mourn my boys' futures.

And then, I think about Susanah's parents.  They won't be able to walk her down the aisle or hold her newborn baby.

And this is where I get so mad at myself.  I get to see the joy on Zach and Ryan's face when they are happy.  Or the tears when they are upset.  I get to snuggle with them in the morning.  I get to kiss them good night.  I get to receive hugs when they get on the bus each morning.  I get to put them in time out when they do something they shouldn't.  So while their future isn't what I wanted when I started to dream about being a parent, but they have a future.  They have a Jesus who created them exactly as they are for a purpose only they can fulfill.

Why can't it be enough for me?  Why does it take someone else's pain for me to put my life into perspective?  Why do I continually act like the brat that didn't get her Christmas stocking filled?

How do I make this perspective stick?