The Littlest Mikarts is SEVEN!

Ryan is seven!!!  It's hard to believe that this little man has made seven laps around the sun!  Sometimes I wonder where time has gone and other days I wonder if he shouldn't be seventeen (you know on those really looooonnnnngggg days!).

Ryan is a spunky little ball of love and wiggles.  He has brought much joy and yes, much frustration (just being honest folks...) Here are seven random things I love about Ryan!

1. Ryan has this smile that is pure mischief.  He loves life and loves to smile and laugh.  Even though he doesn't talk well, he loves to joke around and have fun.

 2. Ryan is a lover!  He loves to give hugs and he is fantastic snuggler (as long as it is on his terms.)  When you pick him up, he just melts into you and puts his head on your shoulder.  It's 100% sweetness.

 3. He has earned the nickname, Mr. Wiggle-bottom.  He has this little duck walk where he sticks his bottom out and then bounces as he walks.  He also loves to jump -especially when you are trying to help him with his shoes and socks.

 4. Ryan is a charmer.  But don't ever tell him he is cute.  That is his invitation to "destroy" you.  When you give him the cute card, he turns into a terrorist. He knows exactly what buttons to push to get his way.

 5. Ryan is a whiz on the computer.  He loves to play games, listen to music and look at pictures (of himself, of course.  He would love to know that I made a whole blog post about him...)

 6. Ryan is tough.  He takes stitches without flinching (of course, removal of said stitches is much more traumatic). Even though he has a high pain threshold and likes to swat at people, he is compassionate. He doesn't like to see Zach cry and is right there giving hugs and kisses.  I hope he does this with his friends too...

7. Ryan is a helper.  He loves to clean up and he is usually the first to start cleaning up his mess.

I have often wondered if we would have had two kids knowing they would both have the funk. I am happy to report that YES we would!  Ryan is a crazy spunk ball who has richly blessed our family.  I love this crazy kid!!

Happy birthday little man!

Thankful

On Facebook, people are posting things they are thankful for and a pretty strange one popped in my mind.

I'm thankful for my kids' disability.

Yes, I'm thankful.

It has been a long, difficult journey to get to this place and I know that I won't be in this "place" forever. I'll backslide into the feelings of self-pity and the "it's not fairs".

But right now I'm thankful.

I'm thankful because there are so many things that I won't have to worry about. I don't have to worry about my kids getting picked on at school. I don't have to worry about them getting involved with the wrong crowd. I don't have to worry about them not being "smart enough" or "pretty enough" or "popular enough".

I'm thankful because they have so much joy. My 10 year old has his emotions right on the surface and he cries. He doesn't hold it in and try to be "manly". He cries and I can fix it - or easily distract him!

I'm thankful because they still like "Sprout" and aren't into TV shows that are "too much!" Dora the Explorer is better than some scantily-dressed girl.

I'm thankful because the bus picks them up at our driveway and there will never be a fight at the bus stop. (Ok, never mind, the boys fight with each other, but that's normal, right?)

I'm thankful because my kids aren't into expensive toys or clothing brands. They don't know the difference between a hand-me down and a designer brand.

I'm thankful because I won't have to pay car insurance for teenage boys!

I'm thankful because what the world sees as disabled, God sees as amazing potential. And I know that God will use my boys to do some mighty big things. In fact, I know He made them this way for a purpose that only they can do, with the gifts He gave them. Just like He made you the way you are and me the way I am...

There are so many more reasons I'm thankful for their disabilities. But just know that I'm blessed! I have met some amazing people, seen some amazing kids, and have been part of a supportive community. I've learned so much from my children and the victories we have achieved have been that much sweeter. This is certainly not the version of parenthood I signed up for, I'm thankful that it is the one I have!

Hmm... Something to think about

I'm a librarian. Actually, I'm a media specialist, but anyway, I read a lot of books for young adults.

I just finished this great book (Anything but Typical by Nora Raleigh Baskin) about a boy with autism. It is written from his perspective and it lets you see "inside" a child with autism. He and his mom go on a trip and the mom witnesses her son in his first social situation as a tween.

On the plane ride home, the mom says, "I want you to know this trip has been one of the best things I've ever done. All this time, I thought I was supposed to be teaching you. I was wrong. I thought you were supposed to learn how to get along without me. Btu it was me all along. It is me who needs you Jason. You've taught me so much this trip. You've taught me about being brave."

I think all children teach us adults and parents. But I think special needs kids teach us about being brave. It's tough for a neurotypical (that's what Jason calls us "normal" people) to get through this life in relatively one piece. But think how much harder it is if the world isn't set up for the way your brain and body work!

So I'm thankful that my kids are teaching me. They are teaching me to be compassionate. They are teaching me to look at the world from a different perspective. They are teaching me joy. And most importantly, they are teaching me to be brave!"

Not Me! Monday

Remember this? Where you deny what really happened... hoping people believe that you really have your act together! Or if you feel guilty about what's going on in your family... you realize that we all have goofs!

So here goes a Not me! Monday after many, many, many Mondays of not "Not Me"ing.

I'll start out with the biggest thing I need to deny...

I did NOT yell at my kids after they dropped a basket of crayons the minute we needed to leave for church. No, I would never "lose it" over something that can be fixed. And I would never in the middle of my yelling realize how ridiculous I sounded and keep yelling! No, I'm a perfect mom every time!

I did NOT spend an ungodly amount of time cleaning up baby powder. Because I always closely supervise my children, there is no way my little darling son would take it upon himself to apply his own baby powder. And even if he did, it would not be all over the family room or follow him like a cloud.

This will be continued after I think of other fun stuff to deny... Check back later!

Oh - I did not give my kids brooms and have them sweep their toys to the correct location! They were NOT excited to actually clean up!! I did NOT feel like a winner!!

I did NOT almost die after running 12 miles last Friday only to plot my next 12 mile run today. Seriously - those 12 miles felt like a marathon. Or wiat - did NOT feel like a marathon since I'm denying. Nevermind... I'm proud of those 12 miles even if it did hurt!

Just one of those days

Today is one of those days. The kind where I'm just going through the motions. Nothing is wrong, per say... it's just a blah feeling day. I guess you could say I'm weary.

As we were heading out the door to go to church, the boys dropped an entire basket of crayons on the ground and then just left it there. I am not proud to admit that I got pretty mad. Looking back, I was mad because I felt defeated. I felt like all I ever do is clean up after people. The boys responded to my anger and cleaned up the crayons. I wish I could say they responded to my love, but I didn't exactly exude warm, cozy, motherly feelings.

So we make it to church and the boys were awesome! Today was the first day that Ryan was not a pest during the service. And in the middle of one of the songs, Ryan looked at me, put his arms up and gave me a great big hug. But was that enough to take away my "blah"? Of course not. I would rather wallow in my pity than celebrate the successes.

After church, I begrudgingly grocery shopped (another joy/energy sucking activity).

I am sitting on the lanai, trying to get my groove back. I don't want to just exist. I want to thrive, I want to be full of joy. I'm hoping this blogging will help me get my priorities straight!

Thanks for "listening"... I think it's helping. Well, not to mention the respite care we get this afternoon. But before Ryan's teacher comes over to hang out with kids, guess what I have to do?

CLEAN UP!!! Aaarrrggghh... On second thought, maybe I will do that when I'm in a better frame of mind.

Wacky Wednesday (a.k.a. A Day Off With My "Sick" Kid)

We are just going to ignore the fact that his has been a kagillion years since I blogged last.

If you are a working mom, you probably understand the difficult decision as to whether or not your child is too sick for school.  I am never good at this guessing game.  Yesterday, I figured Zach was ok for school.  He had a fever by 3:30pm and was feeling pretty yucky when he got home.

I never gave him any ibuprofen or anything because I was making dinner. After about a half an hour, he was bouncing around and I figured the worst of it was over.  Around 6:15, I gathered the boys to take them to the playground.  Zach insisted he did not want to go and all of a sudden he crumpled up on the couch and stayed there until 8:30 pm.

Yes, the fever was back with a vengeance. I pretty much figured I wouldn't be going to work today...

Now we'll get the actual Wednesday part... I got up early to do my usual Wednesday morning workout.  I checked on Zach, but didn't take his temperature.  He felt a little warm, but not too bad.  I came home from my workout and Ryan was already up (Ugh.  Wacky event #1).  By 7am, I went to check on Z and his fever was somewhere around 101.  I say, somewhere, because I don't think our thermometer is accurate.  I ask Zach how he is feeling and he indicates he wants to stay home.  So, I call in sick.

Not even five minutes later, Zach comes bouncing out of his room.  He has changed clothes and is ready for school.  His eyes don't look too good - kind of that half open glazed look.  The fever appears to be gone and he hadn't coughed.  He pretty much wants to go to school.

Since I'm a teacher, I can't un-call-in because they order a sub for me. So we tell Z that he isn't going to school.  Tears, big, gigantic, meltdown tears.  And from that point on, we noticed he didn't have any coping skills.  I guess that is the "still sick" part of him.

Anyway, I get Ryan ready and while we finish the morning rituals, Zach is just getting so angry with Ryan.  Everything Ryan did made Zach mad.  Finally as Ryan and I go to wait for the bus, Zach says, "Hug?" and gives Ryan a hug and then he literally shoves him out the door.  I hear the click of the lock.

I give Zach his usual seizure meds, but skipped the ADHD meds thinking he would be mellow from his illness.

Wrong.  Very, very wrong.

He was pretty mellow in the morning - he watched cartoons and helped my clean out several drawers.  Then we went to the store.  Spaz.  While at Publix, he was reaching into the bulk candy (yes, with his grubby bare hands).  I pull his arm out and then lead him away - but without touching him.  He says, "Ow!!!" and I reply, "Let me guess, I'm hurting you."  (All the grandparents in the store got a chuckle out of this because they've been there and they are thankful those days are long gone...)

This is getting a bit wordy... So here are the quick wackiness events:
"Washing" my van with the dust mop - that he got wet.
Slithering on the ground like a snake.
Pulling all the kleenex out of the box and making it snow.
Trying to help with laundry by pouring half the bottle of detergent all over the floor.
Yelling at his socks because they are yucky and should go to their room.
Telling a towel that it is hurting him.
Singing to himself, naked, for a VERY long time. (This was after the towel hurt him.)
Wearing his underwear on his head (clean thankfully)
Not being able to go to the bathroom and saying his body is broken and he needs a new one.

And we still have 4 more hours to the day.

I definitely should have sent him to school.

A box...

So has it really been two and a half months since I've blogged? I'd believe it. A lot has happened and before I get to what's really on my mind, I'll share the highlights:

1. Summer Vacation

2. Mission trip to Belle Glade with the most amazing high school kids. Ever.

3. Normal summer routine.

4. Visit from long-time friends.

5. Sunburn

6. Normal summer nothingness

7. Mission trip to San Juan, Dominican Republic with the most amazing high school kids.

8. Upcoming high school reunion.

9. Upcoming return to work two weeks sooner than normal.

Now that the summary is out of the way, I can get to what is on my heart.

Back in April we repeated genetics tests on Zach. We redid a chromosomal microray analysis and the Fragile X screener. I got the results today and guess what? My son is NORMAL. Now, if you know my son or have heard me talk about my son you will know he is as far from normal as they come.

My initial reaction was, of course, tears. I cried. I just want to know what they have. I know I can't fix it and I can't make it better, but I can at least have a group to belong to! So in the middle of my tears, my irrational brain spiraled out of control. Here are a few of my STUPID thoughts...

God can't use us when we don't know what is wrong

Why do I even bother anymore... why should I keep trying to find out

We are destined to be alone forever floating out in no where land

And so on...

I ended up putting my frustration as my Facebook Status, grabbed my Bible, journal and beach chair and headed to the place I go to see clearly. The beach.

I started reading my Bible and asked God to fill me with his truth. Of course, I'm reading through the Bible in a year and right now I'm reading the prophets and it's not exactly the most encouraging reading. Jeremiah is telling Judah that they are about to get God's wrath full-on! So I journaled a bit and processed my thoughts. Then a message came through and it was a FB reply from a friend. She reminded me that I do have a box! Loved and a Child of God. She offered to make a form and check those boxes. I might just make a form and hide it so I run across it every now and again. Here are the boxes I can include:

Child of God (check)

Loved by God and so many others (check)

Created for a purpose (check)

Friend of God (check)

There are a few other boxes to add, but you get the idea! So I was reminded that God uses us, exactly as we are. We don't need to be perfect, have a label, or have a plan. He will reveal to me my next step if I would just be quiet and listen. My first step is to turn to the Voice of Truth and forget about the rest.

Won't you join me on that journey? And remind me when I get to far ahead of myself or doubt that God can use a family with two sons with generic developmental delays?