2 Corinthians 1:4 Mom

Alien Invasion

2012-01-26T07:39:00.003-05:00

It's happened. The aliens have invaded my oldest son. I knew middle school years would be tough - I have been teaching middle schoolers for 17 years. (Yes, I started teaching at age 11 - I'm gifted like that.) I've always said that I'm not sure how I will survive the middle school years. I can't believe my sweet baby Zach will be a middle schooler next year. (I can't make this paragraph behave)

The alien invasion has been slowly happening. A little 2nd look at a girl here; an additional glance there... A little mood swing here; a little mood swing there. Then on January 16th at around 3 pm it happened. The full blown invasion. I'm not kidding. I know the exact day!

A little kid came over to play and when he left, Zach hasn't been the same. Kane was the UFO that brought the aliens. Defiance. Mood swings. Spastic behavior. I'm not ready for this. Zach isn't even anywhere near puberty but the aliens are here. And I don't know what to do... (And Kane is an adorable, great kid - he's full of energy, but he listens and stops doing what you ask him to not do - so I don't know how he got mixed up with these aliens...)

You see when teaching an alien-possessed boy, you send him home at the end of the day. You talk a good talk with the parents. You smile, you tell them this too shall pass. But you don't really have to live with it. As a parent, it's all different. I find my self frustrated. Yelling. Sending him to his room and then laughing about whatever he did. I'm just praying that God puts the right tool in my box. And here is where * I think * I deserve extra sympathy - Zach can't communicate well and this adds to the mood swings...

For example, yesterday we had complete meltdown because it was my turn to go to the dentist. His turn isn't for 2 weeks. He could not understand why he had to wait and he melted. A complete puddle of sobs. Over the dentist.

I'll keep you updated on adventures with a pre-pubescent alien-infested boy.

I know, how did these cute thing become one of THEM?!

So stinkin' hard

2011-12-13T18:51:00.003-05:00

Here I am having a lovely day, enjoying life and thankful for all the blessings I have. Three days until Christmas Break and kids who are uber excited about Christmas. Finally, Zach gets that Christmas is not about Santa, but about Jesus' birthday. I'm feeling pretty good.

Then wham! A phone call that gets me shaking. Literally. I'm not going to elaborate on that phone call, but it's not a good one. And now I'm faced with something I am ill-prepared to deal with. And I don't know what to do or even what questions to ask. I'm stunned. Then, the realization that I need to talk to Mark about this- and that is going to suck. A lot.

I hurry home only to find out that he isn't here yet because of a super-long meeting at work. So four hours after the initial yucky phone call, I still haven't had a chance to talk to Mark. And this is driving me crazy, but is not the point of this post.

But the bottom line is, I find that I need to forgive two people. The one person who did something much worse is easier to forgive. The person who should be easier to forgive is much harder. Why is that? And why is it so stinkin' hard to forgive? I know it's important, I know why I have to, I just don't know HOW. I pray. I ask God but it seems like there should be more to the process. I don't know... like whack myself on the head with a thick Bible or say a certain prayer. So instead I will focus on scripture that addresses forgiveness.

And I will be thankful that it's not hard for God to forgive me. And that prayers of protection work. And that God made us all different and if everyone were like me, the world would be an even bigger train wreck. I am not sure that I will ever like this second person, but I can't let him take up so much space in my brain. Not forgiving him will not make this person nicer, more loving, or less legalistic. Not forgiving will make me equally bad.

Any hints on how to forgive? Now accepting all suggestions...

Ever feel like this?

2011-12-13T07:01:00.003-05:00

I think we all have those moments where we wonder what is going on. I'm just lucky enough to have caught it on film... We all (except Zach) have that "Huh?" look!

The Littlest Mikarts is SEVEN!

2011-11-17T07:55:00.001-05:00

Ryan is seven!!! It's hard to believe that this little man has made seven laps around the sun! Sometimes I wonder where time has gone and other days I wonder if he shouldn't be seventeen (you know on those really looooonnnnngggg days!).

Ryan is a spunky little ball of love and wiggles. He has brought much joy and yes, much frustration (just being honest folks...) Here are seven random things I love about Ryan!

1. Ryan has this smile that is pure mischief. He loves life and loves to smile and laugh. Even though he doesn't talk well, he loves to joke around and have fun.

2. Ryan is a lover! He loves to give hugs and he is fantastic snuggler (as long as it is on his terms.) When you pick him up, he just melts into you and puts his head on your shoulder. It's 100% sweetness.

3. He has earned the nickname, Mr. Wiggle-bottom. He has this little duck walk where he sticks his bottom out and then bounces as he walks. He also loves to jump -especially when you are trying to help him with his shoes and socks.

4. Ryan is a charmer. But don't ever tell him he is cute. That is his invitation to "destroy" you. When you give him the cute card, he turns into a terrorist. He knows exactly what buttons to push to get his way.

5. Ryan is a whiz on the computer. He loves to play games, listen to music and look at pictures (of himself, of course. He would love to know that I made a whole blog post about him...)

6. Ryan is tough. He takes stitches without flinching (of course, removal of said stitches is much more traumatic). Even though he has a high pain threshold and likes to swat at people, he is compassionate. He doesn't like to see Zach cry and is right there giving hugs and kisses. I hope he does this with his friends too...

7. Ryan is a helper. He loves to clean up and he is usually the first to start cleaning up his mess.

I have often wondered if we would have had two kids knowing they would both have the funk. I am happy to report that YES we would! Ryan is a crazy spunk ball who has richly blessed our family. I love this crazy kid!!

Happy birthday little man!

Thankful

2011-11-03T19:00:00.005-04:00

On Facebook, people are posting things they are thankful for and a pretty strange one popped in my mind.

I'm thankful for my kids' disability.

Yes, I'm thankful.

It has been a long, difficult journey to get to this place and I know that I won't be in this "place" forever. I'll backslide into the feelings of self-pity and the "it's not fairs".

But right now I'm thankful.

I'm thankful because there are so many things that I won't have to worry about. I don't have to worry about my kids getting picked on at school. I don't have to worry about them getting involved with the wrong crowd. I don't have to worry about them not being "smart enough" or "pretty enough" or "popular enough".

I'm thankful because they have so much joy. My 10 year old has his emotions right on the surface and he cries. He doesn't hold it in and try to be "manly". He cries and I can fix it - or easily distract him!

I'm thankful because they still like "Sprout" and aren't into TV shows that are "too much!" Dora the Explorer is better than some scantily-dressed girl.

I'm thankful because the bus picks them up at our driveway and there will never be a fight at the bus stop. (Ok, never mind, the boys fight with each other, but that's normal, right?)

I'm thankful because my kids aren't into expensive toys or clothing brands. They don't know the difference between a hand-me down and a designer brand.

I'm thankful because I won't have to pay car insurance for teenage boys!

I'm thankful because what the world sees as disabled, God sees as amazing potential. And I know that God will use my boys to do some mighty big things. In fact, I know He made them this way for a purpose that only they can do, with the gifts He gave them. Just like He made you the way you are and me the way I am...

There are so many more reasons I'm thankful for their disabilities. But just know that I'm blessed! I have met some amazing people, seen some amazing kids, and have been part of a supportive community. I've learned so much from my children and the victories we have achieved have been that much sweeter. This is certainly not the version of parenthood I signed up for, I'm thankful that it is the one I have!

Hmm... Something to think about

2011-10-26T15:39:00.002-04:00

I'm a librarian. Actually, I'm a media specialist, but anyway, I read a lot of books for young adults.

I just finished this great book (Anything but Typical by Nora Raleigh Baskin) about a boy with autism. It is written from his perspective and it lets you see "inside" a child with autism. He and his mom go on a trip and the mom witnesses her son in his first social situation as a tween.

On the plane ride home, the mom says, "I want you to know this trip has been one of the best things I've ever done. All this time, I thought I was supposed to be teaching you. I was wrong. I thought you were supposed to learn how to get along without me. Btu it was me all along. It is me who needs you Jason. You've taught me so much this trip. You've taught me about being brave."

I think all children teach us adults and parents. But I think special needs kids teach us about being brave. It's tough for a neurotypical (that's what Jason calls us "normal" people) to get through this life in relatively one piece. But think how much harder it is if the world isn't set up for the way your brain and body work!

So I'm thankful that my kids are teaching me. They are teaching me to be compassionate. They are teaching me to look at the world from a different perspective. They are teaching me joy. And most importantly, they are teaching me to be brave!"

Not Me! Monday

2011-10-24T11:03:00.003-04:00

Remember this? Where you deny what really happened... hoping people believe that you really have your act together! Or if you feel guilty about what's going on in your family... you realize that we all have goofs!

So here goes a Not me! Monday after many, many, many Mondays of not "Not Me"ing.

I'll start out with the biggest thing I need to deny...

I did NOT yell at my kids after they dropped a basket of crayons the minute we needed to leave for church. No, I would never "lose it" over something that can be fixed. And I would never in the middle of my yelling realize how ridiculous I sounded and keep yelling! No, I'm a perfect mom every time!

I did NOT spend an ungodly amount of time cleaning up baby powder. Because I always closely supervise my children, there is no way my little darling son would take it upon himself to apply his own baby powder. And even if he did, it would not be all over the family room or follow him like a cloud.

This will be continued after I think of other fun stuff to deny... Check back later!

Oh - I did not give my kids brooms and have them sweep their toys to the correct location! They were NOT excited to actually clean up!! I did NOT feel like a winner!!

I did NOT almost die after running 12 miles last Friday only to plot my next 12 mile run today. Seriously - those 12 miles felt like a marathon. Or wiat - did NOT feel like a marathon since I'm denying. Nevermind... I'm proud of those 12 miles even if it did hurt!

Just one of those days

2011-10-23T13:33:00.002-04:00

Today is one of those days. The kind where I'm just going through the motions. Nothing is wrong, per say... it's just a blah feeling day. I guess you could say I'm weary.

As we were heading out the door to go to church, the boys dropped an entire basket of crayons on the ground and then just left it there. I am not proud to admit that I got pretty mad. Looking back, I was mad because I felt defeated. I felt like all I ever do is clean up after people. The boys responded to my anger and cleaned up the crayons. I wish I could say they responded to my love, but I didn't exactly exude warm, cozy, motherly feelings.

So we make it to church and the boys were awesome! Today was the first day that Ryan was not a pest during the service. And in the middle of one of the songs, Ryan looked at me, put his arms up and gave me a great big hug. But was that enough to take away my "blah"? Of course not. I would rather wallow in my pity than celebrate the successes.

After church, I begrudgingly grocery shopped (another joy/energy sucking activity).

I am sitting on the lanai, trying to get my groove back. I don't want to just exist. I want to thrive, I want to be full of joy. I'm hoping this blogging will help me get my priorities straight!

Thanks for "listening"... I think it's helping. Well, not to mention the respite care we get this afternoon. But before Ryan's teacher comes over to hang out with kids, guess what I have to do?

CLEAN UP!!! Aaarrrggghh... On second thought, maybe I will do that when I'm in a better frame of mind.

Wacky Wednesday (a.k.a. A Day Off With My "Sick" Kid)

2011-10-05T16:30:00.001-04:00

We are just going to ignore the fact that his has been a kagillion years since I blogged last.

If you are a working mom, you probably understand the difficult decision as to whether or not your child is too sick for school. I am never good at this guessing game. Yesterday, I figured Zach was ok for school. He had a fever by 3:30pm and was feeling pretty yucky when he got home.

I never gave him any ibuprofen or anything because I was making dinner. After about a half an hour, he was bouncing around and I figured the worst of it was over. Around 6:15, I gathered the boys to take them to the playground. Zach insisted he did not want to go and all of a sudden he crumpled up on the couch and stayed there until 8:30 pm.

Yes, the fever was back with a vengeance. I pretty much figured I wouldn't be going to work today...

Now we'll get the actual Wednesday part... I got up early to do my usual Wednesday morning workout. I checked on Zach, but didn't take his temperature. He felt a little warm, but not too bad. I came home from my workout and Ryan was already up (Ugh. Wacky event #1). By 7am, I went to check on Z and his fever was somewhere around 101. I say, somewhere, because I don't think our thermometer is accurate. I ask Zach how he is feeling and he indicates he wants to stay home. So, I call in sick.

Not even five minutes later, Zach comes bouncing out of his room. He has changed clothes and is ready for school. His eyes don't look too good - kind of that half open glazed look. The fever appears to be gone and he hadn't coughed. He pretty much wants to go to school.

Since I'm a teacher, I can't un-call-in because they order a sub for me. So we tell Z that he isn't going to school. Tears, big, gigantic, meltdown tears. And from that point on, we noticed he didn't have any coping skills. I guess that is the "still sick" part of him.

Anyway, I get Ryan ready and while we finish the morning rituals, Zach is just getting so angry with Ryan. Everything Ryan did made Zach mad. Finally as Ryan and I go to wait for the bus, Zach says, "Hug?" and gives Ryan a hug and then he literally shoves him out the door. I hear the click of the lock.

I give Zach his usual seizure meds, but skipped the ADHD meds thinking he would be mellow from his illness.

Wrong. Very, very wrong.

He was pretty mellow in the morning - he watched cartoons and helped my clean out several drawers. Then we went to the store. Spaz. While at Publix, he was reaching into the bulk candy (yes, with his grubby bare hands). I pull his arm out and then lead him away - but without touching him. He says, "Ow!!!" and I reply, "Let me guess, I'm hurting you." (All the grandparents in the store got a chuckle out of this because they've been there and they are thankful those days are long gone...)

This is getting a bit wordy... So here are the quick wackiness events:
"Washing" my van with the dust mop - that he got wet.
Slithering on the ground like a snake.
Pulling all the kleenex out of the box and making it snow.
Trying to help with laundry by pouring half the bottle of detergent all over the floor.
Yelling at his socks because they are yucky and should go to their room.
Telling a towel that it is hurting him.
Singing to himself, naked, for a VERY long time. (This was after the towel hurt him.)
Wearing his underwear on his head (clean thankfully)
Not being able to go to the bathroom and saying his body is broken and he needs a new one.

And we still have 4 more hours to the day.

I definitely should have sent him to school.

A box...

2011-07-18T14:26:00.002-04:00

So has it really been two and a half months since I've blogged? I'd believe it. A lot has happened and before I get to what's really on my mind, I'll share the highlights:

1. Summer Vacation

2. Mission trip to Belle Glade with the most amazing high school kids. Ever.

3. Normal summer routine.

4. Visit from long-time friends.

5. Sunburn

6. Normal summer nothingness

7. Mission trip to San Juan, Dominican Republic with the most amazing high school kids.

8. Upcoming high school reunion.

9. Upcoming return to work two weeks sooner than normal.

Now that the summary is out of the way, I can get to what is on my heart.

Back in April we repeated genetics tests on Zach. We redid a chromosomal microray analysis and the Fragile X screener. I got the results today and guess what? My son is NORMAL. Now, if you know my son or have heard me talk about my son you will know he is as far from normal as they come.

My initial reaction was, of course, tears. I cried. I just want to know what they have. I know I can't fix it and I can't make it better, but I can at least have a group to belong to! So in the middle of my tears, my irrational brain spiraled out of control. Here are a few of my STUPID thoughts...

God can't use us when we don't know what is wrong

Why do I even bother anymore... why should I keep trying to find out

We are destined to be alone forever floating out in no where land

And so on...

I ended up putting my frustration as my Facebook Status, grabbed my Bible, journal and beach chair and headed to the place I go to see clearly. The beach.

I started reading my Bible and asked God to fill me with his truth. Of course, I'm reading through the Bible in a year and right now I'm reading the prophets and it's not exactly the most encouraging reading. Jeremiah is telling Judah that they are about to get God's wrath full-on! So I journaled a bit and processed my thoughts. Then a message came through and it was a FB reply from a friend. She reminded me that I do have a box! Loved and a Child of God. She offered to make a form and check those boxes. I might just make a form and hide it so I run across it every now and again. Here are the boxes I can include:

Child of God (check)

Loved by God and so many others (check)

Created for a purpose (check)

Friend of God (check)

There are a few other boxes to add, but you get the idea! So I was reminded that God uses us, exactly as we are. We don't need to be perfect, have a label, or have a plan. He will reveal to me my next step if I would just be quiet and listen. My first step is to turn to the Voice of Truth and forget about the rest.

Won't you join me on that journey? And remind me when I get to far ahead of myself or doubt that God can use a family with two sons with generic developmental delays?

It's Days Like These...

2011-05-07T12:31:00.000-04:00

It's days like these that make me want to trade my problems for someone else's.

Let me set the stage: I am tired. I am unmotivated. A few more annoyances popped up, again. Zach pooped on the lanai, again. Ryan desperately wants to wear underwear but can't figure out how to pee in the potty. And there is drama. Husband/wife drama and parent/child drama and 9 year old imagined drama.

So as I am cleaning up poop, I get really frustrated and I wish I lived someone else's life. I'm not sure who I would pick, but surely their problems aren't as bad as mine.

Then more thoughts pop in my head. Their problems are just as bad as mine, just different. I've gotten to know enough people to know that no one has the perfect life. We might not openly share our problems, but we all have them. And I think about something my friend said, "If we all put our problems in a circle, we would pick our own out again."

So, I would love to trade lives with someone... knowing full well I would want mine back again. Maybe this time, though, I would appreciate what I have. Because it is the life God gave to me. And these are the people He picked for me. And His plan is perfect... even when I forget.

My Fifteen Minutes of Fame

2011-04-19T20:39:00.003-04:00

This local TV show wanted to do a show on this program, Buddy Break, that we are involved in. Buddy Break is a chance for parents of special needs children to get a break for 3 hours a month. The special needs child and their siblings have a one-on-one buddy and the kids set the agenda. The parents get a break!

So as part of the show, they wanted to spend time with a family that benefits from Buddy Break. That would be us... I talked to the producer and she seemed totally cool and encouraging - so I figured... what the heck, ~~I love attention...~~ I love talking about my kids and how God has a super amazing plan for their lives.

I dropped the kids off at Buddy Break last Saturday and wasn't sure if I would be interviewed then or not. Sure enough, I was. Now, a normal person would have make up on in case they were interviewed. Further proof that I am not normal... I was au naturale... Mark and I then went to a bbq rib fest and chowed down. God, in His amazing grace, made sure I did not spill any sauce on my shirt because we went directly to pick them up. I was interviewed again... this time, no make up and sweaty. That footage will be lovely!

She came to the house tonight to see a typical evening... Before I describe that, let me just say, the thought of having TV cameras at your house is nerve wracking! I wanted to redecorate, but never did. Last night I was in a total state of panic because I have dinged walls and the toys aren't in the right bins. But then a conversation flashed back to earlier when my friend reminded me that we weren't chosen because we were perfect... we were chosen because we were real. So I settled for a clean house that has no style.

And of course, the kids were perfect for the camera and now they are a bunch of wild monkeys.

Well, tonight was fun! Aside from a few, "I hope they edit this" moments. Here are the highlights ~~that I hope they edit~~:
1. Please don't show me looking like Jobba the Hut sitting in a chair waiting for the bus.
2. Please don't judge me for making macaroni and cheese with hot dogs for dinner. It was 100% beef hot dogs and Kraft brand. I did add strawberries and green pepper as a side dish. I wanted easy and something they would actually eat.
3. Mark was talking about the point sheets the kids get at school. He made it sound like we use the TV as a babysitter and "real" toys like blocks and Legos are punishment! Ugh.
4. I hope they have a special filter that takes 10 lbs off - well, 50 would be ideal, but I don't want to get carried away.
5. I hope they include the part about God having a special purpose for my kids that couldn't be accomplished if they were "normal".
6. Ryan needs a haircut. I wonder if the filter that takes off my 50 pounds can trim his hair too?

I'm sure I'll add more to the list and I'll let y'all know when the show airs ~~unless I look like the fat cow that I feel like. Or sound stupid. Or am generally mortified by the appearance of my kids or myself. Or... or... or...~~

Just some unrelated stories

2011-04-06T20:53:00.001-04:00

Zach is talking up a storm... He is getting attitude too. Now, I'm not really complaining about this - but we now need to work on respectful ways to talk to mommy and daddy.

Zach has learned to "Shhhh" only it comes out with just the s sound. He loves to say, "Sssss, go away, you're mean."

We have a rule that you have to stay sitting at the dinner table or go to your room. We also send Zach to his room when he is not being pleasant. Last night, he didn't like what I said to him, so he said, "You need to go to YOUR room." Complete with attitude.

Zach is also obsessed with Disney. But he actually seems completely overwhelmed by the park and the rides. I think he likes the anticipation better than the actual place. He even has his bag packed for the next trip.

And finally, Zach has learned "Ta da!" And he knows how to use it!

Ryan, like all youngest children, has learned a few key phrases of his own. "Mine" in a high pitched screech is always effective. He has also learned, "Give it back, it's mine!" But that is not a sentence, it's one word pronounced like this "givbakitmine"

Tonight, I got my haircut and the stylist said, "I like your hair long, you look pretty. But let me get my glasses so I can confirm." Gee, thanks?

Trying to figure out the summer vacation and it is driving me batty. My 20th reunion is this summer and so we might as well make it the vacation. But really? A week in Indiana? No thank you.

This kid made my day!

2011-03-10T19:28:00.003-05:00

Last week, the Challenger Baseball Team travelled to Port Charlotte to play their baseball team. We went last year and I remember it being especially fun. I also remember Ryan tumbling down the bleacher stairs with a piece of pizza in his hand - and he managed to keep his pizza safe.

This year, we got there a bit early and the coach was giving the early bird kids a buddy. To the two girls that he selected for Ryan, the coach said, "Don't tell him he's cute; he'll railroad you!" I laughed that the coach knew this - and knew he needed to warn them!

So after a little bit, I look up and notice that Ryan is no longer with the cute girls. Instead, he is crawling all over this kid. And this kid is having a great time! He spent the entire game catering to Ryan's every whim. He snuggled, he chased, he held, he played. And I had the best time watching.

But that wasn't the best part. The best part was that he intentionally switched buddies and requested Ryan. He was with Ryan last year and really hoped to see him again. I can't quite find the words to explain what it meant to me that someone specifically asked for my kids. I usually spend way to much time worrying that no one wants to hang with my kids - that they aren't someone's "first choice". (Yes, I know how awful that sounds. And yes, I know that it is messed up.) And here is this junior in high school who waited for my Ryan!

And that's not even the end of it. While eating pizza after the game, his friends were sitting on the left side of the bleachers, and this kid (who has a name) sat next to Ryan, helped him with his soda, got him more pizza and just loved on Ryan. Yes, a junior guy, who is popular and macho, stayed with Ryan and helped him. And he acted like it was no big deal.

Even though I told him how amazing I thought he was, he has no idea how much I appreciate him choosing my son! It brings tears to my eyes. I am so impressed with this kid! And he will probably never know the impact of his kindness. Thank you, M!

Will I really miss these things?

2011-02-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

I love to tell stories about the "cute" and frustrating things my kids do. And several friends tell me I should write a book about my life - (yea, I agree... "Really?" is what I have to say to that idea too!) And my friends with older kids tell me that I will miss these days, so every so often, I want to record the things that I will supposedly miss... This is mainly for my benefit, but you are welcome to read along...

They say I will miss...

Peanut butter smeared on my couches and windows
Being awakened at 5 am on the weekends to a little boys banging in their rooms - building an addition onto their house as Mark says.
Turning shirts around so they are on the right way
Putting seat belts on the kids every time we get in the car
Reminding climbing monkeys to get their feet on the floor and to stop scaling my furniture
Fishing toys out of the pool that were thrown over the baby gate
Hearing Ryan alternate between, "Mama" and "Mine"
Brushing little teeth
Wiping noses.
The goofy grown up teeth that are way to big for their head
The toothless grin that Ryan has
Snuggles when they don't feel well
The way their head fits perfectly on my shoulder when I am carrying them on my hip
Their excitement about getting on the bus and the hugs when they get off the bus
How Zach calls Mark, "Mark"
Eating the apples non-stop

Ok, so a few of these I will miss... Stay tuned for my next rambling, non-sensical message!

Why can't it be enough?

2011-02-19T12:55:00.000-05:00

I don't really know how to start this post. I don't exactly know how to say this without sounding bad for a variety of reasons. So, I'm just going to jump right in...

Last summer one of my work besties lost her son in a horrible motorcycle accident. I have witnessed first hand how God sustains her. I have seen Jesus be her only hope and comfort. I have felt useless as I see her struggle through the pain.

Last week, one of Agape's missionaries in Haiti lost their four year old daughter to cancer. And while I don't know the Whittakers, my heart is breaking. I can't imagine the pain, but I have better idea because of Patti has shared her struggles with me.

I often feel sorry for myself because I will never be a grandmother, I will never be a mother-in-law. In a sense, I mourn my boys' futures.

And then, I think about Susanah's parents. They won't be able to walk her down the aisle or hold her newborn baby.

And this is where I get so mad at myself. I get to see the joy on Zach and Ryan's face when they are happy. Or the tears when they are upset. I get to snuggle with them in the morning. I get to kiss them good night. I get to receive hugs when they get on the bus each morning. I get to put them in time out when they do something they shouldn't. So while their future isn't what I wanted when I started to dream about being a parent, but they have a future. They have a Jesus who created them exactly as they are for a purpose only they can fulfill.

Why can't it be enough for me? Why does it take someone else's pain for me to put my life into perspective? Why do I continually act like the brat that didn't get her Christmas stocking filled?

How do I make this perspective stick?

Wanting a place to "fit in"

2011-02-08T18:13:00.001-05:00

I am surrounded by incredible family and amazing friends and people who would do anything for my family. But I'm lonely. I want a place for my kids to fit in. I want to have a specific name, explanation, foundation, for the "funk" my kids have. I am not sure why it's so important to me, it just is. Oh, I know plenty of people with special needs kids, but they all have a label, an explanation. Sometimes I just want to talk to a parent who has exactly what my kids have. Sometimes I want to talk to someone who has both of their kids with the funk. When I'm feeling all boo-hooey because neither of my kids are "normal", I want to talk to someone who is in the same boat. And I am not sure why I want that so badly, I just do. I don't need anyone to fix my kids - I just need someone who gets it because they are right there with me.

So we have been on a 9 year quest to figure out what is up. It started with Zach when he was six months old and it continued when Ryan was labeled with low muscle tone and 12 months. We've done tens of thousands of dollars worth of tests (thank you, Blue Cross/Blue Shield and Aetna!!). We've seen numerous specialists including a metabolic geneticist who conferenced with us and a metabolic neurologist.

I'm beyond the point of fixing my kids; I've moved on to helping them fit into this world and be boys filled with joy. But I'm still willing to pursue the name of their funk.

Last April we did some pretty cool x-linked mental retardation tests. We had to go to great lengths to get the blood drawn and sent to a lab in South Carolina. I even had the perfect excuse when I mess up... I'm half-retarded. I found out today that they came back normal. Yep, once again, my kids are declared "normal". If you know my kids - you would find that as funny as I do.

We also did a second chromosomal microarray analysis. I haven't heard the results because the pediatrician didn't send them to the geneticist. But I expect them to be normal as well.

Anyway, today we visited our geneticist and she examined the boys and shared her thoughts. Basically, there is so many new syndromes being introduced on a monthly basis. New DNA tests are being created monthly and old tests are becoming more effective. She told me that two months after our last microarray analysis, they updated it! (It is kind of neat to see these evolve - we did the very first type four years ago.)

She pretty much ruled out x-linked syndromes and is now refocusing on autosomal recessive syndromes. (If you remember your Punnett Squares from high school biology you will remember that in order to have the recessive trait, both parents have to contribute the recessive trait.) I am not sure of specific syndrome names, but she did mention retesting for Fragile X. She said the boys have the hallmark traits even though the previous tests showed they didn't have it. Apparently, they greatly improved the test and she thinks it's worth a try.

Later in the day - after a side trip to Ikea - we visited the neurologist. We have seen Dr. Fernandez several times a year for the last 9 years - I have such respect for his determination to figure out these kids! After telling him about the genetics visit, he said, "You will find out what is wrong with these boys." He has never said that before and it gets me excited... Scientists are learning so much everyday and it's only a matter of time before we can put our finger on it.

So now I will be cautiously optimistic about this round of tests. I've been optimistic before and was let down - I tend to lean on the pessimistic side, but today's appointments give me a good feeling!

A cute little funny...

2011-01-18T17:13:00.000-05:00

If you are eating... come back later!

Zach still has BM accidents - or on purposes - and he gets a shower when he has poop in his pants. Since this is quite frequent, he associates showers with poop in the pants.

A few weeks ago I came home from my morning run and Zach was up too early. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Hey - you're up early, I need to take a shower, can you stay in room for a little bit?

Zach: Momma! Poopy in the potty! You went poopy!

Very clever... And he's making connections and transferring his knowledge. Not bad for 6:30 in the morning!

I'm gonna say it and be hated

2011-01-07T18:10:00.003-05:00

This thought has been bubbling in my mind for a little while now, and it just needs to ooze out of my mouth. So, I'm going to say it and then explain why...

THERE ARE MANY MORE SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN THAN JUST AUTISTIC KIDS. SO WHY ARE 90% OF THE ORGANIZATIONS, BUSINESSES, SPECIAL-NEEDS-THINGEES DIRECTED TOWARDS AUTISTIC CHILDREN? WHY IS MENTALLY HANDICAPPED STILL SHROUDED IN SHAME?

Ok. I feel better.

Please understand, I am not saying that autism isn't important or a concern for parents. I know it is. But I get so tired of trying to find things for my mentally handicapped children and all I can find are things designed for autism. Or books about autism. Or websites about autism. Or resources for autism.

I get that autism research is relatively new and we are learning so much about it. I also understand that there are so many children labeled with autism. I get that big money is being directed towards autism. I get it.

But what about kids with plain-old low IQ? What about kids with plain-old gross motor and fine motor issues? What about plain-old kids with speech problems.

Maybe I'm jealous that there isn't much help for me. Maybe I'm jealous because insurance won't pay for extra therapies like they would if I had autism. Maybe I'm jealous because there aren't support groups for me. Or respite care. Or money poured into how to teach my kids better.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying autism is easy, I just wish there was more for my kids.

So the second part of my rant is the whole shame surrounding mental handicapped people. Maybe shame isn't the right word... but it seems so much harder to deal with/accept/know how to interact with people who have a low IQ. It's not contagious.

And one more thing while I'm at... where is the support group for people like me... my kids have no diagnosis just lots of pieces of a puzzle. Come to think of it... we probably all want a support group designed exactly for our personal needs! I guess we call that family!

"Out of My Mind" by Sharon Draper

2011-01-02T20:03:00.003-05:00

I'm reading this great book written from Melody's perspective. She is a 5th grader with Cerebral Palsy and can't talk. She communicates by pointing to words and letters on her board, but it is pretty limited. Melody is actually brilliant and has a photographic memory, but no one really knows this - but Melody.

I love this book and it makes me think about the kids I know who are locked inside their worlds. My kids too - even though they have different disabilities than Melody.

So Melody is being mainstreamed and made a friend, Rose. She invited Rose to go to an aquarium with her family and a neighbor, Mrs V. Mrs V is a big woman who is one of Melody's biggest supporters. In Melody's inclusion classes, there are these two girls who are just mean. The tease Melody and her classmates.

On the trip to the aquarium, the group runs into these mean girls. They corner Rose and ask why she is there with Melody. Rose is uncomfortable and didn't give a specific answer. Mrs V gets involved and what she says is brilliant and I want to remember it forever.

Page 120:

Mrs V, however, isn't going to let anybody stop her. From her almost-six-foot height, she towers over Molly and Claire. "You! Girl with braces on her teeth!" Claire looks up at her, stunned.

"Yes, ma'am?" Claire has enough sense to say.

"Why do you think your parents spent good money on getting you braces?"

"Huh?" Claire looks confused. Molly has quietly disappeared into her Scout troop.

"Your teeth were imperfect, so your parents got you braces. One day you'll thank them when you get a date for the prom," Mrs V roars. The whole Scout troop, plus a few other visitors to the aquarium, stop to listen to her.

"What do my teeth have to do with anything?" Claire asks, looking around nervously.

"Some people get braces on their teeth. Some get braces on their legs. For others, braces won't work, so they need wheelchairs and walkers and such. You're a lucky girl that you only had messed-up teeth. Remember that."

See! I love that!!!! I want to remember that when someone makes fun of my kids or their friends! Brilliant... Hopefully that gives you something to think about - it sure did for me. In fact, I got out of bed, turned the computer on and shared it with you!

Happy New Year, by the way!

Isn't it just like God...

2010-12-21T08:03:00.002-05:00

I have an unexpectedly quiet morning and I have had the chance to really think about Christmas. I haven't done much shopping or baking. I did mail half of the cards - the other half are awaiting stamps - that I forgot to buy. We are making a toy kitchen for the boys - but it's only partially done. I don't know when it will all get pulled together - and I don't really mind. The boys are sick and Mark is flying to Haiti on Wednesday and Thursday. I suspect things will come together on Friday. But even if it doesn't, I'm not bothered by it.

Let me back up... We are down to one car because the other is getting repaired. I know Mark is going to be gone for two days and the cupboards are bare. So I went shopping at 5 am. As I was driving home, the moon was full and life was quiet and still.

The song "Mary and Joseph" by Dave Barnes came on the radio and I had the chance to really listen to the lyrics.

"... So in a barn she gave birth
To the king of kings the Lord of Earth
Just a little bitty thing sleeping on the hay...

But the story's too long to tell
He walked on water and lived through hell
Killed on a cross and rose from the grave
We got a king they got a son
Mary and Joseph were the only ones
There on that very first Christmas day..."

I started tearing up. I'm a mom of two boys. And the contrast between me and God got even bigger...

I toured hospitals and chose the "plush" birthing suite. Jesus - was born in a barn.
I brought them home to new sheets and bedding. Jesus - slept on straw.
I treated my children like they were royalty. Jesus - He is royalty.

I wasn't sure if I could be trusted with a newborn. But Mary and Joseph - trusted with the KING OF THE WORLD!!

And I realized, isn't it just like God to do things so counter to the way the world works? I mean really... a barn? A bed on the straw? For the one to whom every knee will bow?

I guess then it should be no surprise when I ask for a miracle and it shows up in the most unexpected way. I ask for God to fix my problem - and He does - but in the craziest way...

Merry Christmas and my prayer is that you truly think about Christmas - and not your "Christmas to-do list"

The dreaded Christmas letter

2010-12-15T08:52:00.002-05:00

This year... I'm actually planning on sending cards. I bought the family picture card thingee and I have the paper for my letter.

BUT... what exactly do I write? I don't want to be one of those people that says everything was perfect last year. It was good - but there were some bumps in the road - a few smudges on the perfection.

Most people are on Facebook and see the day to day details of my life. They know we went on vacation. They know my kids are making progress.

I don't want to not include a letter... I have to do something!!

So I thought I would be all creative and make a top 10 list... I couldn't come up with a list or lists.

Then I thought I would write quotes and explain how they relate to the year. Lame.

So what should I write? What do you write?

Help...........................................................

IEP meeting

2010-12-09T18:32:00.002-05:00

Today was Zach's IEP meeting. Every year special education kids have a personalized education plan with goals that teachers and therapists want the child to achieve. As the education world has become more regulated, the goals have gotten more quantitative and more is on the line for the child and school.

I used to dread IEP meetings. I had to sit with the group that works with my child and I have some pretty ugly feelings for a few of the team members. I love Zach's teacher, the school nurse, the aides and the physical therapist. I used to leave these meetings discouraged and I felt like many of the team members looked down on my family. ~~I usually wanted to strangle the speech teacher and principal~~

Last night as I was falling asleep, the old dread began to creep up. Then I realized that this is a new school and a new crew. I honestly think the new crew was a little worried about this child - he looks pretty bad on paper - so maybe I had a little justified feeling.

I got to the meeting and the therapists are super nice, super encouraging, and kept saying how much they love Zach. Nobody pitied me. Nobody made me feel like a lousy parent. They were encouraging and made me feel like Zach has worth. (Of course I know he has worth... it's just nice to know that other people think so too.)

Zach's teacher especially loves him and appreciates the fact that I have a sense of humor. As I was leaving, she said, "Now, can you just teach the other parents to be like you?" Of course, this does not hide the fact that Zach is operating well below a kindergarten level... But at least he is in a place that takes this information and tries to help him - instead of giving up.

Random thoughts...

2010-12-07T11:57:00.003-05:00

Let's see...

Ryan narrowly avoided stitches Sunday night when he dropped a plate on his big toe. We used steri strips and got the bleeding to stop. This might be the longest stretch since January that we have gone without stitches!! The craziest thing was... the plate didn't break or chip.

Zach informed Mark that he wants to be "Wii" when he grows up. He was Mario for halloween and has decided that he wants to be him forever. Then on Monday the firemen came to his school and he is back to being a fireman. We are going to Indianapolis to see my family for Christmas and my brother is a fireman (among other things). In years past, he has wanted to see Uncle Doug's firetrucks, but when we get there, he freaks out. So I asked Zach that since he wants to be a fireman maybe he should help Uncle Doug with his trucks. Zach said, "No, firetrucks are yucky." I'm not sure what a fireman will do without a truck, but this is Zach's world we are talking about...

Speaking of Zach's world, he will eat any food that has Buzz Lightyear on it. This opens up many options - like Macaroni and Cheese... Mr. Picky-Pants

I have Zach's IEP on Thursday. I am sooooooo happy that I switched schools. He is doing so great. His teacher sent some work home that he did and I literally teared up when I saw what he has been doing. I love his old teacher at the old school - but he is now where he needs to be!

I am in self-pity mode again and all boo-hooey about my kids not being "normal". So I mentioned this to Mark and he reminded me how good we have it! And today, as I look out and see my media center full of dreaded science fair projects, I realize that I will never have to do science fair with them - and that is another silver lining!

I lost 2.6 pounds last week! We won't talk about how I ate like a cow this past weekend and the fact that I gained 12 lbs since July. Yep, not talking about that. I am totally addicted to the kettle bell. Ok, I did it once, but I loved it. And I love the promise of long sinew-y muscles. I think that if I do the kettle bell a few times I will look like an amazing athlete. Or not.

I haven't started Christmas shopping and I won't until the week before Christmas. I do need to make 2 photobooks and Christmas cards. Ugh. Better get on it, right?

So nothing major going through my brain right now. No cohesive thoughts. It's Tuesday...

Nashville

2010-11-19T18:36:00.006-05:00

I love when a plan comes together! Cindy, Sheldon, Mark and I loaded up at 4am into Mark's 182 and took off for Nashville, TN. We flew into 20 knot headwinds (let me tell you - that is a super huge slow-down when you are in a little plane. A trip that should have taken 4-5 hours took 6-7!)

We finally made it to Nashville and met up with our dear friends that moved to Tennessee in the spring. Cherie was coming home from Tampa after an unexpected delay in her business trip and was able to join us for the Florida Gators vs. Vanderbilt Commodores. Fortunately, Leslie was able to join us!

We had a great time at the game - including helping the concession stand girl add up our bill - and make change... We also won a free taco after Vandy scored 2 touchdowns. Trust me, by the end of the game, that was all that was keeping us there! The entire stadium was cheering for Vandy to score that 2nd touchdown... we wanted our tacos!

On Sunday, we went downtown. I was able to visit my favorite place, the Centennial Mall, farmer's market, and the Honkytonk area.

Even though the boots were buy one ~ get two free we couldn't afford them, but had fun trying them on anyway.

The Wild Horse Saloon is a must stop-at kind of place. It was pretty dead at 5 pm on a Sunday night, but we still enjoyed the horses and line dancing.

This was my first quasi-successful shot at line dancing.

I guess our friends are sticking around... here they are outside their new house!
And the view from the way home!

Ryan Karl

2010-11-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

Ryan Karl aka Chicken, Scooter, Tumbleweed, Hokey Pokey, Ry-gen, and cockroach...

This little guy, Ryan, is six years old! How can it be? My baby now has to use two hands to count his age... He's growing up so fast!!

Ryan just cracks us up - he's "coo coo cocoa puffs"! He loves life and is quick to find mischief (since it's his birthday, we'll call him curious!). I love watching Ryan and I always wonder what is going on in his head... what is this little man thinking?

Ryan started kindergarten in August and he is making some incredible progress. He is beginning to use more speech and starting to learn to write. His favorite phrase is, "Go away!" I would honestly say his brother is his best friend (well, and worst enemy)

Ryan tries to be helpful and loves to clean up. He also is fascinated with keys and opening locks. He just learned to use the computer and loves playing with our phones.

He is a daredevil and has had numerous stitches this year. He doesn't seem to be afraid of pain and we are thankful for the "goober hat".

I just love how much he loves life. I crack up at his stubbornness and appreciate his "Let me do it" spirit.

Happy Birthday little man!

The Thankful Game

2010-11-14T14:32:00.003-05:00

There's this "game" on Facebook right now where you say one thing you are thankful for each day in November. I need to play that game, because right now I am the bratty kid who doesn't want the gifts she's been given. So instead of whinning about not having potty trained kids, I'm going to list 15 things I'm thankful for:

1. A God who created the universe and loves me. Little 'ole me. Full of faults and ugliness. Yet He loves me unconditionally. Wow!!

2. A wonderful husband who I often take for granted. He is kind, loving, and a great dad.

3. Zachary my 9 year old who is so sweet and has a gentle heart. He cracks me up and loves his brother fiercely. He also makes a good shopping partner.

4. Ryan my almost 6 year old. He is crazy and fun. He has this devilish grin and a pretty impressive will.

5. My parents are great role-models. They work hard, love well, and are a great support.

6. My brother is also an amazing man. He has worked hard to overcome learning disabilities and go far in his career. He was just named the law enforcement officer of the year for his area.

7. My church family - since we don't have a family in Florida, our church is our support. They have been there through it all!

8. My husband's work at Agape. He is able to serve the for a ministry that brings supplies to people in Haiti and the Dominican Republic. Mark works behind the scenes to keep the facility running. Pretty much a thankless job - but God knows he is working hard.

9. My running partner, Travis, and Meg before her. It's like free therapy and a work out all at once.

10. My friends at work. I work with two phenomenal women Patti and Em. They encourage me and love me despite my attempts to be unloveable.

11. Oak Park - my kids school is exactly what they need. Teachers that love them and have expectations for them.

12. My house - it's not perfect, but it's safe and mine.

13. Florida's gorgeous weather. Ok, so I miss snow, but not for long.

14. My husband's airplane that takes on fun little trips.

15. All the little blessings that God gives me and I don't even recognize them!

No awards tonight

2010-11-02T20:10:00.004-04:00

You know how some nights you are the perfect mom? You make a dinner everyone loves, you play games with the kids, you snuggle, you brush teeth, you read bed time stories. You know, a perfect night!

Well. Tonight was most decidedly NOT that night. In fact, it was the "perfect storm" of bad mommy night.

I am tired. The boys are tired. Dad had to work. The neighbor's dog was out barking at 6 am and woke Zach up - so that coupled with Halloween created Monster Zach.

I tried to be "that" mom - the good one. I played Twister, but it ended up in a knock-down-drag-out fight over who could be the spinner person. (No, I was not involved in the fight!) Then I gave Zach a toy catalog and told him to circle his favorite toys. He loves doing this, but for some reason, he was a stage five clinger. He had to show me EVERY picture. I am way too tired for a clinger. So I tried to play a movie. Comcast wasn't working (surprise, surprise). More tears. Back to the circling in the catalog. Back to the clinginess.

Meanwhile I figured I would try to watch some news. Ryan thought this would be a great time to play with the buttons on the tv. Zach being the older brother figures it's his job to discipline the little brother. More knock down drag out fights.

Finally... eight o'clock rolls around (ok, 7:50 - I round up). Bedtime can come early tonight... Zach doesn't think he needs to go to bed and tries to "out smart" me. I take him by the upper arm and guide him to his room. He protests with "Ow! Ow! Ow!" (Where does an intellectually disabled 9 year old learn this stuff? It must be an innate and primal urge to pretend your mom is hurting you.) Then he says, "Don't say it again!" Not. a. good. idea. I am already exhausted, ~~but not too exhausted to blog~~ I found it kinda funny the first time he said it. But tonight I took his sweet little face in my hands and told him to never say that to mommy again. His reply? "Don't say it again." I won't tell you the rest of that sequence... Yes, he's still alive. No, I didn't spank him.

Then Ryan... He needed a diaper change before bed but was kicking his little feet like something crazy. I finally got a diaper on him and put him in bed. He gets up two times. After the second time. I got nose to nose and said, "Not tonight Ryan. Don't push me." So far he's still in bed.

All this to say, I was not perfect mom tonight - and I'm ok with it - because I didn't have perfect children either!

Post #191

2010-10-26T19:16:00.003-04:00

I really have nothing to say, I just felt like "talking" and there are only so many Twitters I can tweet...

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings are a blur around here. Either Mark or I are gone and it gets kinda annoying. Tonight, Mark has some people using the hangar and a flight lesson. On Monday nights, I pray with two other ladies and Wednesday night is Bible Study.

I love praying for our husbands with these two ladies. It's really cool to see the difference it's making, especially in my attitude!

Ryan spilled apple juice across the counter that's between the stove and fridge. It's really gross back there. When was the last time you cleaned it? Me? 9 months.

I've been doing a Beth Moore Bible study on the book of Daniel and it's amazing! Today two things really struck me - I'll share more in it's own post. I'm still thinking about it!

How can such huge turds come out of such little people? Ok, I know. Gross. But I also know you have said the same thing before!!

Ryan is on stitches number - unknown. This time we didn't get a teddy bear. I wonder if they ran out because of all the bears they have given to us in the past.

Zach's teacher sent home a note about how much he loves his little brother. I read it during a smack-down over the loss of Wii privlidges.

I really have to get over this misery over not having "normal" kids. I'm in that poor-me cycle. Bad, bad, bad.

My Indiana Hoosiers are winning more football games than losing. Go Hoosiers!

I really love Neil Diamond - especially "Sweet Caroline" and "Song Sung Blue". I'm 37 - does that make me a goober?

A bunch of 6th grade girls were fawning all over this high school football player and she started crying when he hugged her. Then later, my 6th graders asked me if I thought he was hot. Ummm... Can't say that I look at teens and decide if they are hot or not. Two seconds after that, another girls says she is jealous of her sister because she wraps his ankles. Funny!

Why do I let my mind jump ahead and worry about stuff that may not even happen?

My hamstring hurts - it's where the hamstring meets the butt. Ouch.

Ok, that's it for now!

Disney for a Princess

2010-10-20T16:18:00.001-04:00

Don't even stop and read this. Click here

http://helpfoundationinc.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/help-a-princess-go-to-disney-world/

and read about a little girl who is important to me. Help send a Princess to Disney.

Colts vs. Chiefs Game

2010-10-10T18:20:00.004-04:00

I am not a major NFL fan, but I love football (does that make any sense?) As a way to get some good friends over for fun, I had a Colts vs. Chiefs party planned. I made chili and invited everyone over for the 1 pm kick off. I checked the Colt's website and saw that the game was on at 1 pm.

Back when I mentioned the game with Travis and she asked, "Are you sure the game is on?" My confident reply... "Of course! The website says it is."

At 12:55, I turned on the TV and found out that the Ravens game was on in our area! I freaked out... So we tried to find it on the internet. I was unsuccessful, but we were able to watch the arrows move on ESPN and listened on the radio. So for most of the game, we were gathered around my lap top.

I invited several Colts fans... but they stood me up. I was grossly out numbered by the Chiefs... but it goes to show it's not the number of fans...

SPOILER: (Because some people are watching the taped version a little later)

Here's the looks on the Chiefs fans when the "fat lady started singing".

The kids also gathered around the computer... but to watch Sesame Street rather than football.

Alaina has a pretty impressive shot with that Nerf gun! Although with three older brothers, she has no choice but to hold her own...

We didn't see much of Sam, Ben and Zach... they spent their time in the toy room.

Not everybody was into the game...

Sundays are made for naps...

Despite the non-chilly chili weather and not having the game on TV, I had a great time and I hope the Prachars and Handers did too!

The Silver Lining

2010-10-03T14:01:00.002-04:00

I spend way too much of my life feeling sorry for myself. Mourning the fact that my children will never be "normal". Bummed out that my children won't go to college, probably won't get married, or read a great book. But I can't live my life like that because ~~no one would want to be my friend if I cried all the time~~ that is not how God wants us to live.

So... this week, I've started a list of the silver linings that come with having children with intellectual disabilities:

1. If they are in eighth grade and don't know that 8x3=24 (without a calculator) no one will care!
2. I will never have to struggle through long division with them.
3. They probably won't go to parties in high school and get drunk and/or take random pharmaceutical drugs.
4. I don't have to pay for a college education. ~~(Never mind that at the rate of our potty training... I'll spend the equivalent in diapers)~~
5. When they are hysterical and crying, I can usually fix what is wrong.
6. My boys don't understand that the advertisements on TV are meant to sell you a toy. They don't beg for certain toys because they saw it on TV.
7. Likewise, when we go to Target and they see a toy they want, they are happy just to carry it around and they actually put it down when we get to the check out line.
8. I probably won't have to spend tons of money on the name brand clothing when they are in middle school/high school. They probably would be freaked out by a Hollister store (I know, I know... many people are - but for different reasons!)
9. When I let them pick out a coin for helping me with a chore, they are just as happy with a penny as they are with a quarter.
10. At age 9, Zach is still happier with the box than the huge toy that came in it. ~~So I should just give him empty boxes for his birthday.~~

And the biggest reason...
11. They don't repeat what I say!

Inferiority

2010-09-20T19:51:00.003-04:00

I'm going to start my rambling thoughts with this quote from the Beth Moore Bible Study on the Book of Daniel: "You've been chosen, Dear One, by the God of all creation for a life worth living. And you feel inferior?"

Can you say, "Bucket of tears running down my face?"

I often feel like a crappy mom or an inferior mom because my children don't measure up in society's eyes. Because people pity me because my children are intellectually disabled. It's an ugly thing for me to feel this way, but you know that pity is out there. But what's even uglier is that I fall for it!

But fortunately God keeps whispering to me that He created my boys for a purpose. A divine purpose that only they can fulfill. And while this is true of all children, it's especially true for my boys. He made them this way so He could use them in ways that go beyond "normal" children.

So tonight I'm sobbing, but not because I feel inferior, but because I'm so grateful that God whispers these truths to me when the world shouts that our children must be smarter, faster, and better looking than the others.

And I need to remember that my family is chosen by the God of the Universe. And you know what... Your family is chosen too - but for a different purpose! How cool is this?

Randomness

2010-09-18T12:57:00.002-04:00

I have blogged in, oh, about a million years. It's not that I haven't had much going on, it's quite the opposite - I just haven't taken the time to get my thoughts on the screen!

School is going absolutely, positively, wonderfully well. I LOVE my 6th graders and it is so much fun to spend an hour with them each day. I would like to say that my lessons are super planned and I'm never feeling stressed about what we are going to be doing that week... But, the kids are the bestest! I also LOVE being in the library all day. We have a ton of kids coming through and checking out books. I would love to say that I don't get annoyed saying the same thing a 100 times (like where to return books) but, ya know...

Oak Park has been phenomenal for my kids and they are doing so well at their new school. I got a worksheet from Zach the other day and he actually drew a bird - that looked like a bird! And, he answered questions about birds. He's finally in "big boy" school and seems to be thriving! Ryan is learning how to write with a really cool program called "Handwritting without Tears".

So everything is perfect right? No... I'm struggling with being nice - especially when I come home to a disaster of a house. I feel like I'm putting in my all at work and then again at home. I'm tired and unfortunately, Mark gets the brunt of it...

And then, there's my on-going struggle. Jealousy. I keep forgetting that God gave me Zach and Ryan because He has something incredible to do through them - just the way He created them. And I need to get over the fact that they aren't normal and I can't be jealous of people who shouldn't have "normal" children, but do. How awful and ugly is that jealousy???? Can't believe I even said that aloud...

Ok, time to continue my scrapbooking binge...

Another song I love!

2010-08-29T15:48:00.002-04:00

Never Been Unloved by Michael W. Smith

I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I've been undesireable

And sometimes I have been unwise
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of
But because of you
And all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been unesy
And I've been unapproachable

I've been unemotional
I've been unexceptional
I've been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware - I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But eve I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

It's because of you
And all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved

- - - -
Have you ever felt that way?

Back to School!

2010-08-22T12:05:00.004-04:00

I love August/September. I groan and bellyache about going back to work after a summer off, but really, truly I love it! I love school supplies. I love the promise of a new beginning. I love the excitement. I love the fresh notebooks. I love the eager faces of the kids. I love starting memories with a new bunch of kids. I love watching my children pick out their backpack and lunchbox. ~~I love paychecks~~. I love it all.

I realized just now what an honor it is to be a teacher. Seriously. I can tangibly help the future. I can help a child see her potential. I can show him new things. I can let her know I believe in her. Not many other jobs can say the same thing.

So when I'm frustrated with parents or annoyed with behaviors or feel squashed by "rules" and programs, I have to remember the bottom line... I'm shaping the future.

My friend Mary Alampi put this as her status and she is so right on... OK, I'm just gonna say it: I'm so excited! I know I will be exhausted. I know it will be near chaos. I'm certain I will have very little time to eat and maybe no time to use the restroom. Still, tomorrow is the first day middle school for a new batch of future adults, leaders, and valuable, irreplaceable people. What an honor!

What an honor and privlidge. Let's make this the best year yet!

Follow You by Leeland

2010-08-05T13:56:00.003-04:00

I think the next few blogs will be images and thoughts from the Mission Trip I just returned from. True to His word, God changed our hearts and did a mighty big work in us. Many times we leave for short term missions, we think we will change the world. Not this time - at least not immediately. I believe the twenty four of us who went experienced God changing us.

Before the trip, I thought this song by Leeland was ok. But now that I'm back, I really love it!

Follow You by Leeland

You lived among the least of these

The weary and the weak

And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away

All my needs you have supplied

When I was dead you gave me life

How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken

Follow you into the world

Meet the needs of the poor and needy God

Follow you into the world

Use my hands, use my feet

To make your kingdom come

to the corners of the earth

Until your work is done

'Cause faith without works is dead

And on the cross your blood was shed

So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken
Follow you into the world
Meet the needs of the poor and needy God
Follow you into the world

I give all my self
I give all my self
I give all my self... to you

And I give all myself
Yes, I give all myself
And I give all myself... to you.

I don't have many pictures from the worksites and I regret that... so in the blogs to come, you will just have to trust what I'm talking about. Until then, enjoy these pictures of the most incredible high schoolers I know. I consider it a privilege that I get to share in their life!

Wordless Wednesday from Mission Trip to Nashville, TN

2010-08-04T10:52:00.004-04:00

Hopefully I'll add some pictures from the worksites... Stay tuned!

Lyrics from a favorite song

2010-08-03T08:10:00.003-04:00

I love, love, love the first verse of this song. It's kinda like my platform... Or my thing. If we all act like our lives our perfect, we are doing more damage than good. There is so much to gain when we are real with ourselves, each other, and our GOD!

Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

I look at this song and think about the pain I feel when I think about the fact that my children will never be "normal". Sometimes I feel like I have to be strong about it - all the time - that it is not ok to let others now I grieve the childhood my children won't have. I feel like I have to look at the positives all the time. But if I admit my fears and grief, God can take it and turn it into something genuine and beautiful.

But I also see this song from a different angle. I just got back from a mission trip to Nashville, TN. We worked with homeless and recovery programs. We saw time and again how God used a broken person and made them into an amazing new creation. This songs speaks to that as well.

The lessons from a NINE year old!

2010-07-22T14:51:00.003-04:00

Zachary's birthday is today. I'm amazed at how relative time is... sometimes it goes way too fast and sometimes it drags! I remember so much about this little guy's early years, but I've forgotten so much too. I am blessed beyond belief to be a mommy and I'm overwhelmed by what God has entrusted me with!

Zachary's life is not what I would have pictured. I know that sounds awful, but I certainly did not sign up for the special-needs child. Yet, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that this is the child God picked for me. I can make my guesses as to why... Maybe my confidence needed rattling. Maybe I was too competitive. Maybe I thought I had the world figured. Maybe so I could learn compassion and patience. Whatever the reason, he's who I have.

I was driving today and started crying. I was looking back at turning nine and how great going into fourth grade was. I was grieving over the life that Zach doesn't have. He doesn't read. He doesn't talk clearly. He doesn't have neighborhood friends. He doesn't have a normal nine year old childhood. But then I realized how wrong I have it.

Obviously God gave me this child because He has amazing plans for him. He created Zach for a purpose that only Zach can fulfill. God does that for every child, but Zach's purpose can only be fulfilled by Zach being intellectually disabled. Who am I to begrudge God?

I started thinking about all the lessons this little man has taught me. He taught me that competing with moms is useless and you always end up the loser even if your kid is "on top". He taught me that intelligence can't be measured. He taught me to find the joy in little things. And He taught me nothing is better than fresh watermelon!

I have gotten away with a lot of slacker-mom things because of his disabilities. For Zach, a row boat ride is just as awesome as a ski boat. So I need to find the beauty in that and not take it for granted.

Happy birthday, Baby Zach. You are a sweet, sweet little boy with a contagious grin. You are an amazing big brother to Ryan and a friend to all. I am lucky and blessed to call you my son. I can't wait to see how much you grow this year! I can't wait to hear your new words and discover the world through your eyes.

We did it!

2010-07-19T20:26:00.004-04:00

Back in April I ran a 10k with my running partner, Travis. I think it was in the first mile when we were feeling great that she got this ~~brilliant~~ idea... to do a triathlon. Feeling great in the first mile, I agreed.

So we began training and searching for the perfect triathlon to do. We began riding our bikes, swimming and learning what a brick is. We settled on the Englewood Triathlon because it was not too far away. However, we realized it had a time limit and we weren't sure we would make it. Travis is much more competitive than me and she wanted to see her name on the results page. I wanted the medal (more on that later...)

We kicked butt on the workouts and were feeling pretty confident. But we were riding "fat tire" bikes and decided that if we could have skinny tire bikes, we would definitely finish in time.

The day before the race, we rented bikes and felt confidently nervous. While at the packet pick up, I was feeling really intimidated by the rock hard bodies that we were also signed up. To say I don't have a rock hard athletic body is a gross understatement. I specifically remember wondering where the other big people were!

Anyway, we had no idea what set up would look like in the morning, so we get to the race an hour and a half before it starts. Mistake number one. We had more than enough time to rack our bikes and set up our transition area. Being so early gave us even more time to freak out!

About an hour before the race, Travis drinks a smoothie for breakfast because she read somewhere it would help. So I drank one too. Mistake number two. We never drank these before a workout so we had no idea if our bodies would be happy about it. I don't think they were...

During this time, we also picked up our timing chips and got "marked". Our number was on our arm and our age was put on our calf. Your age is actually how old you will be by December. I was confused and thought it was LAST December so I had them write 36. Later, when I went back with Travis, I realized it is December 2010. So they scribbled out the six and added a 7. It looked like I was 317!

Finally we are ready to get started and we head to the beach. This is where we really noticed the swim distance and the buoys. Swimming is my strongest leg and Travis' weakest. But imagine our surprise when we realized that we only had to swim half as far as we practiced! Travis swam like a champ and even endured my screaming at her. Some of my favorite motivational lines were, "Doing great! Come on! Breathing is for wusses!" and "Good job! You can breathe on the bike!" ~~It's amazing she still talks to me...~~

We were out of the water in record time (for us) and as we were running up the sand, I remember saying... "I copyrighted those lines so you can't use them on me during the run." I think her response was, "Nice try."

One of the highlights of the race was nearing our first mile on the bike and realizing it was only 20 minutes from the start (Travis says it better in her blog http://pracharfamily.blogspot.com/)
The bike was long, hard, but kinda fun! We passed a bunch of people and we got a sick pleasure out of passing people younger than us. But at the same time, we hated being passed by the 74 year old! The last mile was perhaps the most brutal because of the wind coming off the gulf. While on the bike, we drank Powerade. Mistake number three.

By the time we started the run, we were feeling pretty "wonky" and thought we were going to leave a little "gift" on the side of the road. We made it through the three miles, but it was tough. Seeing Travis' family and an old friend of mine cheer us on made it a little better.

So we finished in 1 hour and 38 minutes. It was tough but that makes it an accomplishment. I'm glad we I didn't chicken out. Although coming in 13th place isn't impressive, I still gave it my best. That medal I thought we would get... well, it's only for the top five finishers in each division. Bummer... If I had gone in the "Athena" division for the non-rock-hard-athletes like me, I might have gotten that medal. Next time...

Next up? Venice Triathlon on September 4th and then a half marathon this fall and maybe a marathon this spring. Anyone want to join me? Oh and for a different perspective and some pictures, go to Travis' blog at http://pracharfamily.blogspot.com/ I think she did a better job...

Traverse City, Michigan

2010-07-11T18:48:00.003-04:00

Growing up, we went to Traverse City, Michigan every year and it was fun, but ordinary. Now that I live 1500 miles south, I cherish the memories and long for the opportunity to go back. It's amazing how so many things have changed since my first memories, but so many things are the same.

This year, we packed the kids in the airplane and went on a cross country journey. We flew, a lot. They whined, a lot. We had to stop, a lot. It took longer than I hoped, a lot... But it was still worth it! Going by private plane is very much like a road trip, but instead, you are in the air. I think it sounds so cool, until you are actually suffering through the trip. The GPS had this nifty little feature that told you how long until you arrive. The problem is, it lied. This thing defied physics. I would look at it and think, ok, two hours and 28 minutes. I would distract myself for some time, look back and it would say, two hours and 31 minutes. Frustrating!

On the trip up, we wanted to make it to Zionsville, Indiana on the first day. Unfortunately, around 9 pm we had to stop in Louisville, KY. It's about a 2.5 hour drive or a 45 minute flight. Anyway, since it was late, we had to stop at the big airport. We pull into this private airport thing called a FBO. It was fancy. We were like the Beverly Hillbillies in our dinky Cessna 182 and surrounded by private jets. I didn't think we would be treated very well... I was wrong, I felt like the rich and famous and loved the pampering and attention. Until I paid the bill the next morning. Almost twice as much as the dinky little FBO's. So my ego loved it and my wallet hated it!

Anyway... I'll share more stories soon, I wanted to post a few pictures!

This is the view from the front yard of my grandpa's house. He passed away 9 years ago, but my family kept the property. In the distance you can see the boat and jet ski. Beautiful sunrises, but you have to be unfortunate enough to be awake at 5 am!

We take this row boat out to the big boat. But... since we didn't get the big boat started, this was our boat trip. The boys didn't know the difference; they loved the row boat!!

One of the jet skis. We didn't use this one because it was too much of a pain to pull it into the water.

We discovered the fun of Geocaching. We spent time in some pretty beautiful places. One park is just a few miles from my Grandpa's house and I never knew it existed. It's beautiful!

I have a picture from a few years ago of the boys riding this same cow outside of a yummy winery near Sutton's Bay. This winery also has a great petting zoo and beautiful scenery.

We didn't actually see the real performance of the Blue Angels, just the practice. Incredible, nonetheless! In fact, on the last day there, we saw them from the front yard! We are a good 5 miles outside of town and they still flew overhead.

Ryan learning to pull the stems off of cherries. This was while we watching the Blue Angels practice. It was a cool 68 degrees and Ryan is wearing his winter fleece!

Cherry trees and fresh cherries. Does it get any better? Notice the fleece and "winter" jacket? We are such whimps, but loved the cool weather!

Quotes about body image

2010-06-26T09:48:00.002-04:00

I was sitting around in the dentist's office, relaxing because I wasn't the one being checked... Anyway, I came across these quotes and I love them.

I struggle with not being thin enough. Not being pretty enough. Not running fast enough. You know, the usual doubt. So these quotes spoke to me. It told me that no matter, my body is great. It grew two beautiful children. It's carried me countless miles jogging. And it gives me the ability to snuggle with my family.

"We women are so hard on ourselves, especially when it comes to body image. It's always easy to say what we don't like about our bodie but hard to say what we do like. We all have to shed the layers of junk and judgment." Collenn Saidman

"I still wish my (fill in flaw) , but I am happy with who I am. I'm getting to the age where whatever happens, I want to feel I've done everythign I can and not held myself back. I want to make other women aware that we don't have to hide. WE all have different body shapes and issues." Sarah Keable

"Life and Love is like the ocean. Sometimes the tied is in and sometimes the tide is out and sometimes it feels like the frigging Mojave." I don't remember who said this...

"The older I get, the better I get. Gravity and wrinkles are find with me. They're a small price to pay for the new wisdom inside my head and my heart" - Drew Barrymore

Pictures!

2010-06-26T09:19:00.003-04:00

I love when Zach comes up with something to do that doesn't involve the TV or computer.

Ryan with his evil look!

Cindy, Carla and I at one of our secret girls nights. This was before the matching jammies!

My kids are pot heads...

The boys are "taking care of" Troy by giving him ice water when he was so tired from his outing! They normally ignore the guy!

Nothing like a juicy watermelon on a hot summer day...

Zach was wearing at least 14 shirts around his waist like skirts. I'm not sure what gave him the idea, but it was hilarious. Unfortunately, he wouldn't pose for the camera!

Friday Five

2010-06-18T08:49:00.002-04:00

Ode to Troy Boy...

Five stories about Troy the Duke of Edgewood. I recognize that these stories are just for my benefit and probably boring to the rest of you. Tough luck...

1. He used to run off and go swimming in the lake behind our old house. I loved to see him swim, but was horribly nervous because there is a giant alligator that resides in the lake. One day, Troy ran away and was picked up by Animal Control. We worried ourselves crazy, but were relieved when we found out he was at the pound. Since he was in doggie jail, we wondered if they painted white stripes on his black coat.

2. When Troy was a puppy, we kept him out on the lanai while we were at work. One day, he completely shredded a futon. It looked like it snowed inside and Mark had to use a rake to clean it up the mess!

3. Troy used to get into the trash and one morning he got his head stuck in the trash can lid and when we came home, he was wearing it like a necklace.

4. The floor in our old house was terrazo - which is basically a polished, smooth cement like surface. This guy, Wade, used to come over and Troy would be so excited to see Wade. He would run up to him, but slip and slide all over the floor. Wade would grab Troy's tail, spin him around in circles and slide him across the floor. It was like bowling with Troy. Troy would hop up and run back for more!

5. We used to dress Troy up in clothes. Not because we thought it was cute, but because we wanted him to be ready for the "abuse" children would give him. At one point, we took an old pair of "tighty-whities" and cut a hole for his tail. Troy had his own underwear and he wore this with a pair of cut-off jean shorts and a t-shirt. Troy was humiliated by all this... I wish we had a picture!

Troy Boy, my puppy dog

2010-06-17T12:02:00.004-04:00

Here's Ryan imitating me taking pictures of Troy.

Growing up, we always had cats. My friends had dogs - and there always seem to be something special about the dogs. They greet you at the door, their tail wags, they love to play, they love to rest, they just seemed perfect.

When Mark and I got married, I begged him for a dog. Finally, it seemed like a lost cause, so I quit asking. Then on Mother's day in 1999, Mark suggested we get a dog. I wanted a Lab. We stopped by the pound, but didn't see anything that fit our needs, so we called an ad in the paper. We went to this house at saw 8 black lab puppies playing.

Mark and I had no idea how to pick out a puppy, so we asked the owners what they thought. She mentioned that "Kudjo" seemed full of personality, so we watched him for awhile. He was the one who ate so much food, he threw up. His paws were enormous, his ears were floppy, and we were in love! We knew this puppy was going to be big, and we loved his little cuddliness.

We carried him out on our forearm with his chin resting in our hand and his legs flopping over the sides. I have pictures, but they aren't digital yet. Now... to name this little dude. We thought about Jake, but my mom didn't like that name, so he ended up "Troy" after the city I grew up in.

Troy grew and grew and eventually stopped around 115 lbs (give or take 10 lbs...) He was our first child and we loved to dress him up, pull his ears, and just have a great time with him! He was hyper, loved to swim, and constantly jumping on people. At the dog park, he was the humper.

As time went on, Troy grew up and we had real kids. Troy was amazing with the little guys. He tolerated their "abuse" - of course it was nothing more obnoxious than his "children are coming" training!

It's been a slow decline for the old guy, but he eventually had more and more trouble getting out of the way. He no longer jumped in the pool to swim. He stopped getting up when we came home. It's heartbreaking to see the decline. You can see in his eyes that he is bummed too. After much thought and discussion, we are entering Troy's last days. We are going to miss the old bugger - but cling to our memories.

Soon I will share some of my favorite stories and dig up more pictures.

Friday Five!

2010-06-11T06:53:00.002-04:00

I don't have anything profound to say... but I like the reading other people's random posts and I decided I like the Friday Five format. So here are the five thoughts on my mind...

1. Mark has been in Brazil for the last week doing some training for the new airplane Agape has. The airplane is Brazilian and the only place with a simulator is south Brazil. We've skyped a few times, but I'm pretty boring and didn't have much to say! Same old, same old around here! Anyway, he is taking his test right about now and so I'm praying he passes with flying colors.

2. Max Lucado tweeted something like this: Success is doing what the Lord made you to do. I love that quote... success is not having the "perfect life" or loads of money. It's doing what you were made to do. That got me thinking about what I was made to do, and I don't have the answer. And it made me think of Mark... he is a success! He was made to fly and he flies, for the Lord. How great is that?? So I can't help but be a bit jealous. He knew what he wanted to do and he does it. He doesn't make loads of money, but his job is something he is passionate about. This also makes me think of my brother. For as long as I can remember, he has wanted to be a police man. He is successful because he is doing what he was made to do. Then there is me... who constantly looks at other jobs and wonders if there is something better out there. Hmmm.... something to think about for the summer!

3. The boys and I went to the beach for a mini vacation last weekend. We took our friend Krystal and the Kramers met up with us. It was tons of fun, but I don't have any pictures yet. I didn't bring my camera to the beach, but Krystal did. Once she sends them to me, I'll be able to post a little more.

4. Triathalon training: What were we thinking?? I am confident that we will finish, but under two hours? I am not so sure. The bike portion seems to be our slowest, but the bike to run part is a KILLER. We ran last night and my legs felt like lead. That makes running hard and unfun.

5. I think today we will hit the gym for a treadmill run. Then the beach and splash pad. Hopefully that will sufficiently wear the children out for nap time! Well, gotta run along, they are using cutting boards as weapons!

The Freak Show

2010-06-06T18:17:00.002-04:00

WARNING: I am in one of those moods again. You know, the one where you are tired of the way your life is. So I'm not completely thrilled that God "trusts" me so much to be the mom to these adorable children. I'm not all positive and funny. And I talk about poop.

So here goes... don't say I didn't warn you!

Right now for me, I'm tired of being the freak show. Everywhere we go... we seem to be the freak show. It's pretty obvious that we aren't "normal" when you see Ryan wearing his goober hat. Then you hear Zach talk and the freak show status is confirmed.

Some people are great about it and some people make me feel worse. And then I make myself feel even "worser" by getting tired of it.

This week's freak show attraction is poop and pee. Thursday, we are at a pool party and Zach poops on the pool deck. The hostess is great about and doesn't even care. She even flings the poo over her fence onto her annoying neighbor's lawn. But someone else at the party gasps and is all freaked out about the turd on the deck. I didn't hear her gasp, and coincidentally left pretty soon after the poop on the ground. The next day at work the gasper apologizes and that's when I got annoyed by the gasping. In the middle of the incident, I didn't hear - but then to be reminded of my freak show status didn't sit well.

This weekend, I took the boys to St. Pete Beach for a little mini-vacation. Attack of the poop part 2. Zach is on the playground at the resort and poops. He doesn't know what to do and Krystal rushes him off to the gulf to clean himself up. (Hey, poop is better than oil...) I try to clean up the incident as best I can, but all I get are stares from people because their eight year old doesn't do that. Anyway, I can't exactly get the remnants off the sidewalk, so I cover it with a huge pile of sand.

Then later at a graduation party, Zach pees his pants. The family was great about it and didn't make me feel like a freak-show-ring-master. But I make myself feel like that. I mean come on... When is it my turn to have the potty trained kids? I've waited patiently and impatiently. But I've waited.

I know that even when the potty training is over, I'll still lead the freak show and I will have new things to complain about...

So that's it. I'm tired of being the freak show. I'm tired of the potty accidents all. the. time. I'm tired of Ryan getting stares because he wears an obnoxious hat. I'm tired of the overly-sympathetic fakeness. I want to live somewhere where everyone is a freak. So then I'll be normal for once.

Friday Five...

2010-05-28T13:32:00.003-04:00

Just five thoughts on this beautiful Friday afternoon...

1. Yesterday was the perfect afternoon/evening with my children. I actually used my time wisely before they came home from school and cleaned up. Then we went to the beach, swam in the pool and just hung out. While in the water with Zach, I look up and saw Ryan sitting in my beach chair, leg folded, and reading my magazine. I took a mental picture because I want to remember it forever.

2. Last night I was overcome with the thought that God trusts me enough to give me Zach and Ryan. Making their lives and their disability count is a huge deal. I don't want to mess it up, but I don't know how to accomplish that. Gee... pray much? I guess it's a matter of praying and waiting for God to work!

3. Summer vacation is only 4 school days away! Let's hope I get the house painted!

4. Mark comes home from Haiti today. He was there 3 days this week. He leaves for Brazil next Friday. No worries though... I'll survive 8 days with just me and the little men...

5. Cleaning the garage tomorrow! I can't wait. Seriously. I want to do it right. I want to remove everything, sort it, and then put it all back in the correct spot. Yes. I. am. a. dork.

Paddling the canoe

2010-05-23T12:04:00.003-04:00

On Friday, I had the *joy* of going to another teacher in-service. I don't enjoy meetings on a good day, much less when there is only 9 days of school left in the year. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me...

I am not completely sure of the tie-in, but at one point we were each given a piece of Dove chocolate. We were to read the saying on the inside of the wrapper, reflect on it, and then share with others our reflection. I find these things a waste of my time, but being the *good* workshop attendee, I played along.

My saying said something about love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.

I disagree with this saying.

There are many times that I am too tired to paddle my canoe and I ask others for their help. Sometimes they are paddling a while and sometimes it's just a quick break. Likewise, I have had the privilege of paddling for someone else.

So to those of you who have paddled for me, thank you! And for those of you who have let me paddle your canoe, thank you for trusting me! I keep repeating this theme - we have to be real with one another and support each other. This isn't a canoe regatta - there is no prize for the person who finishes first! The prize is for those who trust in God - and I think the winnings are even bigger when we support each other!

And for the trust few part... disagree. Maybe I should be this wary, but I generally trust until I've been burned. So far, it's worked well for me!

Whoops, forgot to mention...

2010-05-17T12:25:00.003-04:00

Oops, so I neglected to mention that all my praying, worrying, stressing, and freaking out resulted in me getting what I hope is the right thing for my children...

We got the "go ahead" to send the boys to the new school that is designed specifically for children like mine. I am excited for the possibilities that are ahead, but a little bit weepy about the fact that we need such an environment. I know there will be frustrations at the new school and I will miss certain things about the old school. But overall, this change is gonna be good!

Here's a few cute things Zach has said lately...

Z: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there
Z: You
Me: You who?
Z: fake laughs [I don't think he knows why this is funny, he just knows he's supposed to laugh]

Me: Who do you like better, Dora or Chloey?
Z: Chloey is as hot as a snowman!

Z: Chloey is a hot dog. [We were trying to get him to say, "Chloey is hot"]

At 5:30 in the morning on Sunday, Ryan comes in Zach's room to play. Mark was already there - although I don't know why.
M: Ryan, come with me, let's go snuggle in your bed.
Z: Yea Ryan, go with daddy to your room. [This is perhaps the longest original sentence from Zach]

Sun N Fun 2010

2010-05-15T14:56:00.004-04:00

Every spring, Mark makes plans to take the boys to a gigantic Air Show in Lakeland, FL. Sun N Fun has become an annual trek for Mark and Zach. Fortunately for Ryan, he's been included in the tradition. In the beginning, Mark and Zach camped under the wing of an airplane... but lately they just go for the day. I am lucky enough to have the day off every year!

Heading back to the plane after an exhausting day! By the end, Ryan can barely walk!

But they have so much fun seeing the latest technology and play with the newest airplanes. I'm sure the vendors panic when they see the Mikarts boys approach their planes! They aren't exactly gentle...

Mark likes looking at the amazing aircraft and taking cool pictures.

I prefer the pictures with the boys...

Nothing like a shiney spinner to get all smudged up...

More confessions....

2010-05-13T06:45:00.006-04:00

I have this thing. This belief. This conviction. As a wife, a mom, a woman, an employee, the world expects me to have it together. But I don't think it's the world that puts that expectation on me. I think it's me applying the pressure. I worry that if I don't have it all together, other women will judge me or won't like me. So, we hide our imperfections. And this perpetuates the image that we have it all together.

So here's my thing. Us women ROCK. We rock because of our imperfections. We rock because we are the glue that holds it all together. But sometimes, we aren't perfect. AND THAT IS OK. My thing is we should be open about our imprefections. And then they won't be imperfections anymore. They will simply be normal-ness-es. And maybe there won't be so much mompetition and the Mommy Mafia will need to find new things to attack and judge. I mean seriously, we all have confessions. If you say you don't, we know you are lying.

So here are some things I have to confess, to get off my chest:

* I don't always understand what my kids say. Sometimes I just smile and nod and say, "Later." Also, we prayed so hard for Zach to talk and I don't really want to "shush" him. But after hearing the same thing a hundred times, I kinda lose my patience.

* When other people are playing with my kids and enjoying them, I feel guilty. I feel bad because I don't always enjoy them.

* I am afraid to ask for babysitters because I think my children are so difficult to babysit. Sometimes, I don't even want to "babysit" them.

* When my kids are at Challenger Baseball, I don't care if they spend the entire game in the dug-out or looking for Four-Leaf Clovers in the outfield. Other parents get all worked up if their child isn't up to bat. That doesn't matter to me... I'm just happy they are outside playing.

* I rarely vacuum under my furniture.

* I don't have patience for the children who cry over tiny injuries. And I don't sympathize with the parents that freak out over a little cut. I have a friend who's son is a mild hemophiliac. They should freak out about little things... but they don't. So I don't get the people who do.

* I am counting the minutes until I'm done with my 8th graders. I actually like the kids. I just don't like teaching the kids. If we could just hang out and not do anything academic, it would be fine. The minute I try to impart knowledge or start a discussion... well it goes downhill fast!

* My five year old is not potty trained and I haven't given it a full effort. I've tried, half-heartedly, but until I get my 8 year old fully there, I'm not ready to take on another project.

* My underwear is getting a bit ratty looking, but I'm too cheap to replace it all.

* I gained 1.6 lbs last week. I guess eating non-stop doesn't work when trying to lose weight.

I know there's more to confess, I will just need to gather them for the next week or so... So let's hear your confessions! Leave me a comment!

Just a game...

2010-05-10T14:22:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, I have to remember that so many things in life are just a game. I tell my students all the time that there are hoops to jump through and seemingly-unreasonable steps to take. And it is all just part of the game...

Homework...

Standardized tests...

Closing fees when buying a house...

Signing in to particular websites...

Being nice and respectful to people who don't deserve it...

Not telling people what you are really thinking...

Sitting through professional development workshops...

Getting your children to the right school...

IQ tests for non-verbal children...

It's all just part of the game.

I sat through a meeting last week and when all was said and done, I was a mess. A blubbering, snot-bubble forming mess. I went to a friends house and cried. I went back to work and cried. And ranted and raved. I spent time with my husband. And ranted and raved. I went to a party and made jokes about it. (Because you can't rant and rave at a party!)

But all of it is a game and I have to remember that. Stupid psychological reports that describe a child I do not know, even though he is my son. Game-time. Listening to a failed behavioral intervention plan even though the interventions are silly. Game-playing. All of it is part of the game that I asked to play.

See, when I decided my children need a different school, I signed up to play this game. I knew from the onset that it would be ugly. I was fortunately warned. But in the midst, I forgot. I allowed myself to get upset about what I heard. I allowed myself to doubt what I know about my children. And I cried.

I quickly remembered that the psychological report needed to be "ugly" and that the behavior intervention plan had to fail. But did that keep me from forming snot-bubbles from the tears? Nope. Because my tears morphed into something totally different.

I got mad at myself for being upset about the game. It was the stupidest, vicious cycle, ever! I was mad that I was mad about a piece of paper. Have you ever done that? I'm probably the only crazy one...

And if I don't win my game on Thursday... I'm going into over-time.

Choices

2010-05-08T14:59:00.002-04:00

I have a litany of topics to blog about. Friday was one of those days... But some of the events, revelations, and conversations are still too painful to talk about with grace. Several of you have had the opportunity to listen to my rant, and I am forever thankful for the people who I can "dump" on. I am also forever thankful for my son's teacher, Dana.

But what I can write about is choices... I work for and live in a district that primarily does what parents want. Threaten a lawsuit and you can usually get your way. I do not want to operate that way and I am a trusting person. I trust that others are making the best decisions for my children. They are, afterall, the ESE professionals. They are the ones who went to school for the skills to work with children like mine.

On the same token, I expect my students' parents' to trust me to make the right decisions for their children. I don't particularily care for parents who tell me how to run my classroom. I sincerely appreciate their input about their child and suggestions. But don't tell me how to run my classroom. So, I pray that I give that same respect to my children's teachers.

Zachary has been with an amazingly patient, loving, and structured teacher. She has pushed Zach, she has nurtured Zach, and she has disciplined Zach. She has brought the best out in him and she has stood up for us, time and again. Ryan has also had great teachers, but Dana belongs on a pedestal.

The ESE aides that work with my kids are equally phenomenal. They push and nurture my kids and are forever patient with them - too patient sometimes, but anyway...

I know... get to the point.

My boys are "intellectually disabled" - I love that term. Anyway, they would not function in a regular classroom. Mainstreaming these guys would not work. It would come at a huge cost to all involved parties. I understand that. And I am definitely advocating for that.

My school district allows parents to choose, with certain parameters, which school they choose to send their children to. My boys go to Venice Elementary because they are the school in south county with the classroom they need.

I don't have a choice as to which elementary school to send them to. I was told where they had to go.

Many parents have a choice as to which teachers they children have. There are usually several per grade level and parents can choose (again with parameters). I don't have a choice. I absolutely love Dana, so I'm lucky!

But next year, there is only one teacher who has a classroom that services my little men. That means Zach and Ryan will be in the same class. A kindergartner and 4th grader. Together. Under one roof. Not fair for Dana or Ryan.

So I lack choice, again.

Ryan has manipulated his therapists into thinking he can only say 3 or 4 words. At home, I've lost count of the words he says. In fact, this morning, he said, "Momma, I hate you." But that's another topic... Ryan acts like a total brat, has a temper tantrum, flops on the floor, and tells his therapists, "No." So what do they do? End therapy and send him back to his room. Ryan needs a different therapist. But, again, I lack choices.

So I am asking they be sent to a different school. A school that specializes in children like mine. A school that doesn't have a ton of choices either, but at least everyone at the school can handle children like mine. And the principal won't sit in the meetings and give me patronizing looks. Or give me this God-awful look of "sympathy" when she sees me holding hands with my boys. As if I need her sympathy. Try understanding, hon, it works better. (Wow, the sorority girl in me just popped out and wrote that.)

A school where the specials are tailored to their needs. Zachary won't have to go to specials with kindergartners - when he is in 4th grade! Ryan won't have to eat by himself in the classroom by himself. A school where they can put Ryan in time out when he acts like a brat. A school where Ryan can't manipulate the therapists.

So this new choice sounds great, right? Only, it's not mine to make. I have to jump through hoops and pile work upon several people - most especially Dana.

All I'm saying is... If I don't get my choice, I will become one of those parents. The hard part is... it's not in my nature and getting my message across without it sounding like the teachers are the problem. They aren't. It's the rest of the picture...

Confessions

2010-05-04T16:24:00.005-04:00

I have some confessions to make. They aren't pretty. And chances are, the "Mommy Mafia" will have plenty fuel to judge me. But I'm ok with that. In fact, read on and you will feel better about yourselves.

I think, often times, as parents we want to sound like we have our act together. We want others to like us and be impressed with our children, so we end up putting on this front that we don't mess up, much. Or sure, we share the little problems. But we share just enough to seem normal. I mean, everyone yells at their kids. I'd know you were lying if you said you didn't.

I used to call these confessions, NOT Me's. But the more I live my life, the more I want to connect with other moms and let my guard down. I want to share my frustrations and my not-so-proud moments. I want to know that I'm not the only that slacks off or screws up. So here are some of the confessions that are rolling around in my head:

*I feed my children cereal for dinner. It breaks up the monotony of chicken nuggets and hot dogs. Although I did learn that Zach will eat some amazing things if I bribe him with M&Ms. Oh, and that cereal? Captain Crunch. No wait, Malt-o-Meal's version. Not organic and full of sugar.

* I take my kids to the playground to get a break. I don't want to play with them. I want them to play on their own. I want to read my book or talk to other moms. But then I feel guilty when another mom starts talking to my kids. So I go over and start acting like I always play with my kids.

* I sometimes know my kids are doing something they aren't supposed to, but I am slow in getting up to stop them. Like right now, I'm in the toy room blogging and they are pouring pop corn in the shag carpet rug. I'll clean it up, but not yet.

* I can be mean to my husband. I take him for granted and then five minutes later start a huge argument because I tell him he takes me for granted. Sorry, honey!

* For Mother's Day, I just want to be left alone. In my house. With. no. one. else. there.

* I work. I am glad I work (most of the time). I am tired of being judged or looked down upon because I work. I wish there wasn't guilt attached with my decision. Sometimes I say I work for insurance. I also don't think I would have made a good stay at home mom. Sure I'm a teacher, but I have no patience for teaching my children.

* I get home about 45 minutes before the kids do and I am usually very selfish with that time. I would prefer to sit and read or use the computer than clean the house or do chores. So sometimes, when my kids get home... that's when I start the chores. There are days though, that I actually clean when I get home. But I would rather not.

* I call my youngest son a "terrorist". He is full of personality and can be quite charming, but can be really draining. He can't talk well, so he whines to get his message across.

* I often grieve the fact that my children aren't "normal". Oh, I know they were chosen by God for me, but I sometimes which He had given me "normal" kids.

* Sometimes Zach wets his bed in a bottom corner and it's dry before I find it. If I'm really lazy on those days, I wait to change his sheets. If it's wet or in the top, I'll change it. On the same note, Zach prefers to sleep on the floor. I don't always put him back bed when I peek in on him.

* Ryan only has one pair of shoes he can wear to school. He has a pair of sandals and Crocs though.

I am sure I will have more confessions. But these felt good to get off my chest! So let the Mommy Mafia know where I live. I will be happy to take the hits - then they will be off your back. I'm a friend like that! Oh, and I have a huge popcorn mess to clean up.

Reason #4

2010-04-08T18:56:00.002-04:00

Aaah... reason #4 why I am thankful that God gave me the kids that he did... (Just for the record, I wouldn't have minded some girls in the mix - but as usual, God knows what is best!)

Anyway, today's reason was pretty easy to come up with and it popped into my head while picking up the boys at aftercare. My two blog-readers, Cindy and Tami, were present and can probably write this blog post easier than me!

Ok, so I'm chatting with my friends and keeping an eye on the boys - not really anxious to go home yet and all of a sudden we hear this ear splitting wail. Fortunately, it was not a cry that I recognized so I looked around expecting to find some poor child with her arm hanging off her body or gigantic needles in her finger or something... Nope. A tiny scrape - smaller than a dime - smack dab in the middle of this little girl's knee. It was bleeding - but not gushing or even dripping. Just red.

The screaming I heard was worse than when Ryan bites a hole in his tongue (notice that is present tense as this happens often - well not as often now because he knocked his front teeth out.) Anyway - this is the same scream that the boys let loose when the doctor shoves the needle in their wound to numb it before stitches. (Squirming yet?)

So here is this cute little girl screaming her head off and sobbing because of a small boo-boo. All of us watching make some comment about sending my boys over to her to explain what pain really feels like. But the kind hearted aftercare ladies tend to her abrasion and I gather my boys and head on inside.

As we walk down the hallway, we see this girl and she is refusing to walk on her leg and Judy is patiently trying to help her. Complete and total dramatics.

So what does all this have to do with reason #4? I'm getting there, relax.

My boys are tough. They have taken some literal and figurative bumps, cuts and bruises. They know pain, but they move on and don't let it slow them down. I think the joy that oozes out of them is just that - moving on from the pain life tries to throw at them and not letting it get them down.

I think we could all learn a thing or two from these little guys. We should "man up" when we are hurting. Cry, but don't wallow. A hug and kiss make it all better - don't bother with the dramatics - or ice for that matter.

And remember... chicks dig scars. As Mark says, "Pain is temporary, scars are sexy."

And today's optimisim is...

2010-04-07T20:20:00.003-04:00

For the last 3 days, I have tried to look on the bright side of having my only two children be pretty significantly developmentally delayed. I've talked about the joy they experience and the fact that they have a little lee-way (or is it lead-way?) when they do socially awkward things.

I know you are dying to know what today's thankfulness is...

Um, as of this very second, I don't have one... It's not that I'm being realistic (read: pessimistic), it's more that I am pooped and I can't be clever or cute or funny or even serious.

So I'll leave you with this sarcastic one:

Ryan gets to wear this stylish, protective helmet... affectionately named, "The Goober Hat".

Just a hint though... don't use the term "Goober Hat" around little kids. They will think all protective helmets are truly called Goober Hats and they will walk up to other children blessed with these hats and call it a "Goober Hat." The other parents don't find it as funny as I do. Go figure.

Today's Optimistic Outlook Thought

2010-04-06T20:03:00.004-04:00

For the last two days I have posted about trying to look at the bright side of having the cognitively impaired (or whatever politically correct phrase you want to use) children that God has blessed me with.

It started with the fact that there will always be the Easter bunny and Santa Claus. Then I talked about the joy they have and the huge smiles that light up their faces.

Today... I have more wiggle room when my kids act up or do something socially unacceptable. To those of you who don't know me, this may sound harsh and mean. But really, I believe in either laugh or cry - and I usually choose laugh...

So follow me here... We have been going to the playground a lot lately because the weather is superb! I prefer to sit and watch the boys play. (To justify my laziness, I say that I let them be independent.) Mark on the other hand is the good parent who plays with the boys. So when it's just me, the boys go up to random dads and ask them to play with them. The dads being the more playful gender, usually oblige and play "Nemo fish" or whatever other sand-toy-game they think of.

I am horrified and get up and go play or apologize or act involved. And the random dads don't seem to mind. They can tell after one word that these guys have some unique challenges and figure they better play!

I would like to try a little experiment and see if "normal" kids would get the same reaction from random guys. They probably wouldn't get the same percentage of playing-dads as Zach and Ryan get!

This is an example of the extra wiggle room I get when I take my children in public. You better believe I'm going to be thankful for it!

On the bright side...

2010-04-05T19:20:00.004-04:00

I am a ~~pessimist~~, I mean, I am a realist and often spend more time looking at the negative aspect of things. I am trying to change that. If you know my family, you know that Mark and I are the most-of-the-time proud parents of two developmentally delayed boys. This was definitely not the version of parenthood I signed up for, but it is the parenthood God gave me. I am fully aware that parenting is challenging - no matter what your kids are "like". I try to not wallow in the fact that parenting these guys is an extra challenge.

Last week we had a tough IEP and I realized that I have a perpetual pre-schooler. Sure the boys make progress and have made great growth, but the aren't anywhere near normal. I have also realized that Ryan is in the stage of life where everything is "mine" and his first reaction is to tell "momma" of all the injustices he faces. What is this - age 2? Who knows, I never had the "normal" kids. ~~So we will just ignore the fact that Ryan is 5!~~

It was in the midst of my feeling sorry for myself that I realized that in all things I am to Praise God. And on the radio were all the pump-you-up-in-difficult-times praise music. I was reminded that when I praise God, things suddenly seem much more manageable.

So yesterday, I was thinking about the fact that my boys will have the joy of coloring Easter Eggs for a long time - much longer than "normal" kids. And that is not so bad. But this (gasp!) optimistic thought made me want to focus on the blessings that my children bring to the table.

Yesterday, I was thankful that we would have fun coloring eggs for a long time to come... Today, I am focusing on the simple joy that these guys have! Truly, they could teach me a thing or two about joy! And when there are tears, they quickly turn back to joy. These guys have no clue about the magnitude of their disabilities. They aren't worried about learning to read or living independently. They could care less about not ever doing algebra or being elected class president. They have the joy in the here and now. I know I could certainly use a dose of that!

An Eggs-cellent Time

2010-04-04T13:28:00.002-04:00

I don't think there is anything better than watching the joy on children's faces when they make new discoveries and try new things. I am trying to look at the positives of my children having "cognitive disabilities". One of those things is that they will be children longer. That means, I can have fantastic Easter egg coloring pictures for a long time!

A parent at Special Olympics said this perfectly, "With Christa (age 40 something), there will always be Santa and the Easter Bunny." So true - and something to smile about and enjoy.

It's Friday but Sunday's coming

2010-04-02T12:07:00.002-04:00

I forgot about this song until the famous sermon by Tony Campolo was referenced last week in church. Since then, the words, "It's Friday, but Sunday's coming" has been ringing through my head.

When I have to jump through hoops to get my kids the services they need. I remember... It's Friday, but Sunday is coming!

When I am reminded that my 8 year old is operating at a three year old level. I remember... It's Friday, but Sunday is coming!

When life doesnt' turn out the way I think it should. I remember... It's Friday, but Sunday is coming!

It's Friday, but Sunday's Coming by Tree 63

Nothing's sacred, the days are cheap

Truth is thin on the ground

Still our prophets are crucified

Nobody believes we're stumbling

It's Friday, but Sunday is coming

Someone's saying a prayer tonight

For hungry mouths to be filled

Someone kneels in the dark somewhere

And darkness is already crumbling

It's Friday, but Sunday comes

Sunday ~ Hallelujah ~it's not so far, it's not so far away

Sunday ~ Hallelujah ~ it's not so far, it's not so far away

Broken promises, weary hearts

But one promise remains:Crucified, he will come again

It's Friday, but Sunday is coming

Easter... it's so easy to get caught up in chocolate bunnies, dying eggs and jelly beans (yum... jellybeans). But behind it all, the reminder that we can't do it without God is the most important thing! He died. For me. For little me - who screws up more times than not. He went through all that yuck. For me.

A wonderful visit...

2010-03-30T09:10:00.002-04:00

My brother and his family were in Ft. Walton Beach this week and so we flew up to spend two days with them. I love my brother and I especially love his family. Whenever we are together, we have a blast - and they "get" my children which is huge.

Anyway, I learned a few things...

Zachary can sing the "Bow, chicka, bow, bow" porn refrain. Doug (my brother) has a new officer on his police force and his name sounds like a porn star. So we were joking about it, and sang the "bow, chicka, bow, bow..." and Zach heard us laughing. Since he always wants to be in on a good joke, he started singing it. That made us laugh even harder... Then, his cousin, Jack, started egging him on and, well we heard that the next several hours. Both Jack and Zach have no idea what is so wrong with all of this, because they are both innocent. Thankfully...
I am a poo-fessional. I can handle all poo-trastophe's. Apparently this is a "Gauthier" trait because my brother is also a certifed poo-fessional. My husband, Mark, however is not. The "girls" and I were visiting a cute little town and a poo-trastophe struck. A little poop ended up being a big mess - because Mark is not a poo-fessional. Needless to say, Uncle Doug to the rescue...
If you want to look skinny do this: get really fat for a few years. Then when you lose 15 lbs they think you are so skinny!

I didn't bring my camera, so I will have pictures of the adventures as soon as I get them from Doug!

Hmmm...

2010-03-26T07:24:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I received the itemized bill for Zach's hernia surgery. Wow! I knew our healthcare system is "broken" but I was reminded again, just how badly. I don't think government involvement is the answer, but I can definitely see the brokenness.

Zach was under medical care for about two-and-a-half hours. The bill? $8832.73 All I can say is thank God for good insurance! I only have to pay $280 in co-pays.

A fifteen minute surgery and it's almost ten thousand dollars! I am blown away by the inflated cost of everything. But even more blown away by the thought of trying to fix it. Like I said before, government involvement is not the answer. What has the government done a better, cheaper job with?

But charging that much money is criminal. I wonder how much I would be charged if I didn't have insurance?

Here are some of the costs:
Steri strip to hold the sutures closed: $22 (I think a box of them are less than $5 at CVS)
15 minutes in recovery: $438; $648; $683; $1212 (all depending on how long after the surgery it was)
Tylenol with codeine - 2teaspoons: $63.10 (I got the prescription for $5)
Sterile supplies (including the steri strips) $524

Crazy! But what to do?? Something needs to happen! But how? What? Requiring everyone to have insurance doesn't seem like it would make a difference. Especially when people can't afford it. The people I know who don't have insurance WANT insurance, they just can't afford it. Making it a requirement doesn't automatically make it attainable. Crazy!

Thanks for letting me rant!

All before noon...

2010-03-18T17:03:00.003-04:00

This has been a crazy week, so I don't know why I thought today would be any different...

Last night after Bible Study, Zach and I headed to St. Pete to spend the night with Krystal. Why? Because she was there for a conference and Zach had to be at All Children's Hospital at 6:30 am for hernia surgery.

We get to the hospital this morning with plenty of time to spare. As we are about to check in, I realize that I left his comfort-blanket in the car. We go through the small hassle of getting the blanket and then begin the pre-op procedures.

Zach is NOT a fan of the pre-op. And after struggling with him, he finally settles in. A parade of nurses and doctors come in and ask the same questions - thankfully they all want to be on the same page. One nurse asking him about his Michigan t-shirt and we talk about how his grandma and grandpa went there.

So as they prepare to wheel him off, I ask him if he wants his blanket that we hiked back to the car to get. Nope, he preferred his t-shirt that represents his grandma. Aaawwww... how sweet.

Surgery is quick and uneventful. He is sprung at 10:05 am and we head to get him a snack. As I'm feeding him Doritos and fruit (don't judge...) I get a call from Venice Elementary.

Ryan needs stitches. He was pushed and fell on the concrete. I'm not sure why the "goober hat" didn't keep him from being hurt, but well, accidents happen.

I call Mark, have him rush to Venice El and take Ryan to Venice Hospital. I will meet him there and "trade" kids so he can get back to work. He could take Zach to work with him and then I'll get him when Ryan's fixed up.

Lucky me... I get there in time to be the one who gets to pin Ryan down while they stitch him. I'm the lucky one who hears him scream and cry. As if that is not enough, he cries, "Momma, why. Mommmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaa, whhhhhhhhyyyyyyy. Momma, why!"

Then they wrap the compression bandage around his head to get the swelling down and stop the bleeding. Later, Mark sees him and says he looks like a Civil War soldier. Yeah, he kinda does.

Anyway, all this before noon. Nap anyone?

A Care Bears Song

2010-03-14T10:02:00.001-04:00

So, I'm going about my normal Saturday morning routine of cleaning up, helping the kids play - or rather playing zookeeper and ringmaster - when a song comes on. The boys flipped through the channels and randomly landed on the kids music station. I rolled my eyes at the station, and then heard the words...

"I don't want to be like everybody else..."

Wow, that struck me, big time. Because that seems to be what's been on my mind a lot - in a variety of avenues.

I want to live a life that points to God. I want to stand apart. I don't think I'm doing a very good job at this and so I need to take a hard look at the choices I make and the things I say or don't say. That doesn't seem to be that common.

Also, we are getting our finances in shape and that means not living like everybody else. That means making the tough choice to not do something fun because we don't have the cash. That means putting off purchases until we have saved for it. That doesn't seem to be very common these days either.

So, like the Care Bears, I don't want to live like everybody else.

Random musings...

2010-03-13T08:40:00.003-05:00

I don't update my blog nearly as often as I should! I love blogging, I just haven't taken the time. Not too many people read it, so for me it's a form of journaling.

I've finally made a huge decision, or it feels huge to me... And it is a wonderful feeling! I would like to say I sleep better at night, but well, Zach got me up at 3:30 this morning "reading" to his stuffed animals... for 3 hours!

Anyway... I have contemplated sending my kids to a special school next year instead of their current school. Zach has a phenomenal teacher and aides and he has completely thrived there. Ryan has had great teachers too and next year he would go to Zach's current teacher. Great, right? Well, one part of their education is really lacking and that's the aspect I need to fix. I struggled with changing their school and I was dragging my feet because I don't like change, I love Miss Dana, and its a "normal" school. Also, did I mention I don't like change?

Everyone I would talk to who have worked at the special school or know about it wonder why I am not chomping at the bit to make the change. Well, did I mention I don't like change? That and this one huge reason...

Sending the boys to this school is the final "admittance" that my kids will never lead a "normal" life. Now, I know there is no such thing as normal... But with the special school, I am admitting that my kids will never be mainstreamed. They will never play regular sports or experience the stuff that comes with a normal school. I have known this day would come and I'm finally ready to embrace what that means. Ok, with tears in my eyes...

I know this may not seem like a big deal to most people. But raising only special needs kids means some of my dreams have had to change. And this is tough.

So instead of crying too much, I'm going to focus on what the new school can offer:

A fresh start

Therapists who can work with extreme kids

Amazing assistive technology

A chance to avoid bullying because they are different

Friendships that come with everyone understanding you

Weekly swimming

Frequent field trips

One thing I've seen through Special Olympics is how bonded the kids are who go to this school. They are so much like regular school kids - only having special needs isn't an issue.

So I'm embracing the change and the uncertainty that comes with it.

It feels good to make a decision and not have the decision made for me!

"Your Hands" by JJ Heller

2010-02-26T13:55:00.002-05:00

I LOVE this song! Have you heard it? I don't have a link to it, but I've heard it on the radio twice.

I don't have any major problems or concerns right now, but this song still speaks to me. I am wrestling with some pretty big decisions, but nothing horrible. I am not a fan of change and uncertainity (who is, really?) but my decision will definitely involve change and getting used to some new things.

So here's the lyrics:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hrut
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

I love it! It reminds me that despite all the yuck in my life, God holds me. He may not "fix" it the way I want, but He fixes it the way He wants. And resting in His plan is so stinking hard... Even though I have accepted (sort of) that my boys will never be "normal" I still wish he would fix them. So this song speaks to that hurt I still carry.

I also really love the part about asking God to make my paths straight. I seem to take the most circuitous path. I think I could avoid a lot of heart break if I would just follow His path.

I hope you have a chance to hear this song and love it as much as I do!

Not Me Monday!

2010-02-22T14:11:00.002-05:00

I am NOT participating in NOT Me! Monday by MckMama at mckmama.com

I am pretty sure you know the rules... admit some faults or things you really wouldn't normally "claim" and then check out the other blogs linked up at MckMama's site...

I am NOT avoiding a mountain of papers because I had a sub for three days last week. My avoidance does NOT include blogging, checking Twitter or my email. Nope, I always use my time wisely...

I did NOT pray for my kids to get a fever on Saturday! They were NOT wild monkeys by 9 am. I was not hoping that the fever that struck 70% of my son's class would strike him just so he would calm down!

I do NOT have a countdown to the end of the school year... it is NOT 68 days...

I am NOT contemplating another marathon. However, the thought of long runs on Saturday is NOT holding me back.

I did NOT watch curling and actually try to figure the sport out. I am NOT any closer to understanding the game.

I did NOT spend my Saturday night at Walmart and then parked in front of the Olympics...

I have NOT avoided finishing my taxes because of a childcare form that needs to be filled out.

I am NOT happy that the end of the day bell has finally rung... It is NOT time to finish up for the day and go home!

This is NOT one of the lamest of these I have ever done...

Living Cheaply

2010-02-15T18:05:00.003-05:00

Ok, with the economy in the toilet and my savings just about in the same location, I have been working really hard on living frugally. I proudly wear the title of cheapskate and love reading about ways to save money.

Mark and I have recently started using cash only again. We eat out maybe 3 times a month. We don't go to Starbucks. I only buy clothing on deep discount. And really the only "splurge" is for Mark to fly his airplane for about $75 a month. So, we live cheaply.

I have a few goals of things I would like to do - places to go on vacation, a multi-engine instructor's certificate for Mark, and some material things. I need to save up for those items.

At this point, I don't have major areas in my budget to cut; it's just nickle and dime saving. So I've been researching different blogs and websites and trying to get ideas. I think the most logical place to save money is in the area of electric bill and weekly cash.

I am so tired of the people that tell me the best way to reach my financial goals is to stop eating out [done], don't buy coffee [done], pay off credit card debt [don't have any], clip coupons and double them [no one around here doubles and I clip], and stop getting manicures [never started].

So I need real, practical ideas. How can I save on grocerys and electricity? Any ideas out there?

Here's what I've started this weekend:
* Grocery Price Book - so I can determine when something really is a bargin
* Meals in the freezer so I don't have to wonder what to make for dinner
* Build meals around what's on sale
* Save left overs

What else is there to do???
Help me!

Tomorrow....

2010-02-10T06:55:00.002-05:00

I may have said this before, I don't know, but Zach has an obsession with "tomorrow". Whenever we say, "No." He responds with, "Tomorrow?" It is so cute and annoying all at the same time! Here are some of my favorite tomorrows...

"Momma, I want to go night-night with Chloey."
"Nope, not until you are married."
"Tomorrow?"

"Zach, I am making dinner, no snacks right now."
"Tomorrow? I eat tomorrow?"

"I want ho-ho-ho [Santa Claus]"
"Zach, it's February, Christmas is over."
"Oh, tomorrow I want ho ho ho."

"Honey, it's 7:30 at night, we are not making M & M cookies."
"Tomorrow!!!"

Zach walks up to a complete stranger in Target. "You wanna come to my house tomorrow?"

In a tearful voice, "I wanna go on the bus, the school bus, the yellow one."
"Today is Sunday, we go to church today."
Still with his quivering lip, "Tomorrow?"

And sometimes we use it...
Zach brings out the Moon Sand. "I wanna play this."
"No honey, not tonight... Tomorrow."
And he falls for it!

Pictures of Haiti

2010-02-02T09:46:00.005-05:00

I'm not sure who took these pictures, but Mark brought them home on a CD. Anyway... they are from the pilots and missionaries of Agape Flights. Agape has had a relationship with Haiti since the early 80's. Since the earthquake, they have sent an unbelievable amount of relief supplies to the missionaries they serve in Haiti and the Dominican Republic. My husband, Mark has flown into Port au Prince and surrounding areas at least 7 different days. He said the pictures and the media don't even show half of the "horrible-ness" of the situation.

Giving Isaac the Ride of His Life

2010-01-27T06:51:00.002-05:00

Once again, I aped this from Mark's blog... He is the "I" and "we". I was at home wondering what kind of adventures he was on!

On Friday we were headed on the way back, but first we had to make a stop in Cap Haitian. We were to pickup an orphan boy who had been adopted and take him to Sarasota, simple enough. Well nothing is as simple as it seems, and no good deed goes unpunished.

We had arrived at 1pm and were told that they would be waiting for us at the airport,WRONG. The truth is thy were more than an hour way and were trying to get to the airport on the back of a scooter! They were going as fast as they could to meet the plane. When they arrived the customs officer noted that it was 4:45 and purposely delayed us by letting others cut in front of us. It was no shock when he hit us up for a $50 overtime fee. Then Issac's passport came into question. "Where is the child's passport?" the customs guy barked. Erick, the boys new dad explained, "All we have is what you see here; his passport was destroyed in the earthquake." The customs guy didn't seem to understand. "How is he going to leave the country without a passport?" The father again tried to explain that it was under tons of rubble. Issac was now getting upset. He was tired and didn't understand what the big fuss was; he just wanted to go to his new home, where ever it was.The customs guy finally relented, and now we could depart.

It was now 5:30 and the sun was getting low. I figured we could make Exuma by night. I was desperate to get everyone on the plane as fast as possible. I was expecting the customs guy to charge us with something again.

Issac was still upset, I tried to tell him that everything is fine, and that the fun part was just about to begin. Once we departed and got to altitude I turned to see if Issac was OK. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a big bag of snack mix. He reached into the bag and commented, to his delight, that it was not rice and beans. "Are you cold?" He nodded his head. Again I reached int my backpack and pulled out a hoodie. Then I remembered that I had a whole box of Strawberry pop tarts. "Here try these." When I looked back he was well into his second, and was smiling from ear to ear.

He was warm, he was airborne, and peanuts and pop tarts aplenty!I almost wanted to cry. Here was a little boy who thought that the big city was Port Au Prince. And now in one day he had taken his first airplane ride, and had tasted something other than beans and rice.

We were almost to Exuma, but the reports that were coming in were telling us that Exuma was fogged in, no landings at Exuma. A quick discussion about whether we should hold over the island and wait for conditions to improve or continue to Nassau. Nassau it was. We landed and quickly passed through customs. Issac had never seen such opulent surroundings. The pilots lounge had leather chairs and a very big flat screen TV. Along with all this, he was quite the celebrity. That night he had his first hamburger and fries, and went to sleep with a full tummy probably for the first time.

Another two hour flight found us in Sarasota and we passed through customs. We were met by six agents who then treated Issac to Coke and quesadilla. He was smiling from ear to ear. Before we left and said our good byes I gave Issac an Agape pin and thanked him for being such a great passenger.

Welcome to America Issac, don't get a tummy ache.

I love my job! Thank you God for using me.

The Logistical Aspect of Mark's Haiti Adventures

2010-01-25T06:43:00.003-05:00

I copied this from Mark's blog. I am the [editor] and he is the "I". I asked him to blog about his adventure going to Haiti last week. He is one of Agape Flight's pilots. He been flying to Haiti for over 8 years (the first 6 as a volunteer the last 2 as a missionary on staff) This is what he came up with.... I'll ask him to blog again in a few days and share the stories that I have been hearing...

I must say that I have done a bit of flying in the last few days. On, Thursday, January 14th, I flew out to a small grass strip to pick up a Cessna 401 (twin engine,7 passenger airplane) then swung north to pick up my passengers.

The group I was picking up were a group of disaster relief experts that were to organize the relief efforts in Haiti. I arrived at 10am and the amount of cargo they had was surprising. Were they expecting a military transport? How was I going to fit all this gear in the plane and become airborne? After much figuring and head scratching by my co-pilot Paul, we were ready to depart. We received our clearance and we took off into the bright blue Florida sky.

As we neared our refueling stop of Exuma, the chatter on the frequency was that no flights were being allowed into Port Au Prince. We informed the passengers and they asked, "How close can you get us?" "Can you get us to Las Americas?" So off to to the south of the Dominican Republic went. After another refueling stop in Proveceales, we took off into the setting sun which then gave way to night.

Flying at night in the Caribbean is especially dark. It was so dark that for all intents and purposes I could have been on board the international space station. The only way we knew we were moving was because the instruments said so.

When we arrived in Las Americas it was clear that the staging for a massive influx of aid from all over the world was being staged. I saw aircraft from Russia, China, Italy, and Japan. Here I was in my little Cessna 401. Our passengers got off and they proceeded to rent an SUV and drove the rest of the way to Port Au Prince. I hope they made it.

On Monday I hopped in an Aztec (small twin) to act as a shuttle between Santiago and Port Au Prince. On Tuesday we woke and off we went, or so we thought. The Dominican flight plan office had not filed our flight plan, and now we were not going to make our 8am slot time in Port Au Prince; I was furious! I had flown five and a half hours on Monday, and made it to the airport three hours early to make sure all went smoothly and for all of that to be undone by a bureaucrat! I spoke with his supervisor [editor's note: good thing he speaks Spanish!!] and explained that that I had to make my slot time. We got out an hour late start and praying that by some miracle we would make it into Port.

We climbed up over the 10,000' mountains and all along the way I was expecting someone to tell us to turn back, but that call never came. When we arrived in Port Au Prince The frequency was a buzz with military traffic. There were all sorts of aircraft flying around,helicopters,big transports,and small aircraft were all coming and going smoothly. Praise God! We off loaded our 800 pounds of medical supplies and saw them whisked away in a caged truck by one of the missionaries that we serve. As thy drove away, I started to see the scope of the quake. There were tents on the airport and pallet and pallets of supplies of stuff that wasn't moving. Why is all this stuff her, I wondered? [Editor's note, again... I think they were the impounded stuff that Mark talked about on Facebook or in an email. The stuff didn't have the right paperwork.] All the missionaries that Agape had in Port were now a perfect distribution network, and our supplies were getting out right away as fast as we could unload them.

As we got ready to deport, I met other pilots that I had flown with in the past. It was as though we had all come together to fight against a common foe. That enemy was death, and it felt glorious; I had never been a part of something so big. Thank you God for using me!

We continued with our supply runs, two slots a day, and side runs to surrounding areas as was needed. We carried mostly food and water. We had the opportunity to pick up and drop off doctors and other folks. We carried four guys from Barahona [Dominican Republic] that were there to set up a massive tent as a MASH unit.

All in all, it was quite the adventure. Makes you wish you were a missionary, huh? I'm loving it! [Editor's note: Stay tuned for some amazing stories! This was his "logistics" post. Next will be a sights and sounds post!]

Woo hoo!

2010-01-20T11:28:00.002-05:00

Mark made his first delivery to Haiti yesterday and I did not hear how it went. He made mention of the airport in the Dominican Republic as being unhelpful. They are probably tired of being the staging ground and wish that some of the food and supplies were to help their impoverished people too.

This morning he felt the tremor, but didn't say anything more. Hopefully the people in PAP are ok and that it is not a huge setback. I am at work, so I haven't had a chance to hear what the news has to say.

Today, Mark is flying 700+ pounds of water. The King Air is bringing 2500 lbs of beans and rice. My prayers are that they get to where they need to be.

I heard of a missionary who had his arm aputated but is having major problems with his kidneys and other organs. Please pray for him. He was trapped for about 18 hours. He is currently in Miami.

Agape still has not heard from 17 missionary families. Obviously they need prayers as well as their families at home.

I think Mark will be home on Friday; this is much better than the "who knows" that I got when he left. I can live with him being gone during the week and home on the wekeends. I am not sure what the "long haul" is going to look like. I don't know how many other Agape pilots are available for long stays. Jeff and Kevin are both knee-deep in cargo and scheduling.

I think the folks at Agape need prayers for endurance. Their families miss them and they can't keep this pace forever!

I'll post some pics tonight!

Haiti updates and thoughts

2010-01-17T18:54:00.002-05:00

The staff and volunteers at Agape are working tirelessly to get supplies organized and ready to be sent to the missionaries in Haiti. We usually move about 2500lbs of cargo a week. In the last five days we have moved 30,000lbs! There is much more ready to go and the amount of donations is mind-boggling. But not to the mighty God we serve!

I have had the privilege of helping the last 2 days. I love sorting, weighing and boxing up the supplies. I also love the physical labor of unloading the supplies. Today I left the boys with Mark and went and helped.

Mark leaves tomorrow for a week to ferry supplies between the Dominican Republic and Haiti. I am feeling sorry for myself because I will be with the kids by myself for that time. So I'm being royal pain in butt and I know that is wrong. So I think I need to work on the 'tude a bit, ya know?

I am not really worried about Mark's safety, I can't imagine he will be leaving the airport in Haiti. I do worry about the missionaries and their ability to get the supplies to the needed locations and the people they are helping.

Speaking of missionaries, Agape has heard from about 103 of the 130 missionary families we serve. With time ticking on, I am getting more concerned about the 27 other families! Several of the missionaries have had limbs amputated. From what I understand, it is not because the injury was so bad, it's because they weren't able to get medical attention in a timely manner. Wow, how heartbreaking. It's hard to wrap my mind around the suffering. You know, when I think it's a big problem that I'm going to be inconvenienced for a week because I have to take care of my kids by myself. How many moms in Haiti would do anything to hear their child cry!

Oh and, speaking of the Agape staff working crazy hours, pray for endurance! Also, pray for the families that don't get to see much of their mom or dad because they are keeping long hours! But despite our tiredness, we know that we are the lucky ones - for so many reasons!

God Bless!

kristin

Haiti Relief - random thoughts

2010-01-14T07:03:00.002-05:00

I am overwhelmed by the thoughts and pictures of the devestaion to that already destroyed country! I can't imagine what it looks like in person.

My husband flies for a mission organization that delivers mail, cargo and supplies to the missionaries in Haiti and the Dominican Republic. They have a relationship with over 130 missionaries in the Port Au Prince area. So far, they have only heard from 30 families. The good news is, of those 30 everyone is physically ok. Many have lost their homes, but not their love and compassion for Jesus - the ultimate healer and restorer.

Mark is flying a group of doctors today and for the first time EVER, he has admitted he is nervous. I am so anxious about that! I am giving my anxiousness to the Lord, but it keeps coming back.

I am also overwhelmed by the amount of support that has flowed! In my school alone, dozens of people have offered to help - and this is from a public non-Christian school.

My prayers are that the people of Haiti turn to the Lord and realize that He is what they need.

www.agapeflights.com has a great site that lists a bunch of needs and names to pray for.

Colorado Vacation

2010-01-11T15:13:00.003-05:00

Has it really been a month since I blogged last?

Here are a few pictures from Colorado. I would love to share more, but the mountains will look the same to you guys and I didn't get that many good pictures of the kids.

We did a modified house swap with some dear friends of ours. They moved to Divide, Colorado about 5 years ago. Divide is 45 minutes "up the mountain" from Colorado Springs. Mohan used to say they were at 9,000 ft altitude and it meant nothing to me. But after the first night of throwing up and having a headache from the altitude it suddenly meant something - that and Mark telling me pilots use oxygen at 11,500 ft.

This was the perfect Christmas vacation - snow, scenery and friends. It was pretty cold, but when the sun shines, it wasn't bad. I never made it skiing, but plan to go back some day soon. We did go to Breckenridge for an afternoon. GORGEOUS. We rode a gondola and Zach still talks about going on the "helicopter". He keeps asking if we can do it tomorrow. We also rode the Pike's Peak cog railway and visited the Focus on the Family headquarters. We only went sledding twice and looking back, I wish we had done it more. Some days were just too cold. Plus, it takes so much effort to get everyone dressed!

Here we are sledding the second time. The hill was not nearly as steep, but there were steps to help us get to the top. Ryan was NOT a fan, but Zach loved it!

When we went on the train ride, we saw more gorgeous scenery. We didn't make it to the top because of the snow on the tracks. Ryan got a bit antsy, so we gave him our little camera and he actually took good pictures. Here he is showing Zach some of the pics.

Mark getting the boys ready the first time. Ryan's jacket was really puffy and a bit snug, so he was the stereotypical kid who can't put his arms at his side. The first time we put mittens and gloves on the kids was the hardest. They had no concept of putting your fingers in the holes. Florida babies...

Some of the gorgeous scenery...

Praying for Miracles

2009-12-03T15:24:00.003-05:00

So I've been in a funk for a few months and I pretty much knew why, but I wasn't all that willing to get out out of it. I had a quick chat with a friend this morning and she pretty much gave me the kick in the pants I needed. Here's the thing...

I was really struggling with being joyful for others. Every where I turned it seemed like people were receiving miracles, specifically healing from different afflictions and diagnoses for their children. Meanwhile, I was in self-pity-mode because I don't have a diagnosis for my children and I won't ever have "normal" kids who go off to college and give me grandbabies. Boo-hoo poor me, wah, wah, wah...

The Bible clearly tells us to celebrate with those who celebrate and mourn with those who mourn. I was all about the mourning; I just couldn't be truly joyful. And I hated it. But I wasn't willing to stop being a booger.

So this morning I was particularly weary and I ran into Jen at work. She asked innocently, "How are you?" And I said, "Well, ya know, I'm weary." She immediately understood and then I said, "I have no reason to complain... here you just finished battling the biggest thing ever - cancer - and I'm whining." She was gracious and said, "Each of us has a big thing and if we keep saying ours isn't important, we would never take it to God."

We continued in the conversation and she talked about how she was afraid to say that she is cured of the cancer. She clearly heard God tell her she was cured, but was afraid to say anything because she didn't want to upset people who didn't have the same outcome. She said she was praying for a miracle - if it was God's will. But then she realized that adding that clause "God's will" is like an automatic out to not really believe you will have the miracle. So she started praying for the miracle and believing the miracle would happen. She fully recognized that no matter what God chose to do in her life, it would be ok with her - but she wanted that miracle. She compared it to a child at Christmas. When they ask for something, they don't say, "I want this doll, if it's your will Dad." They simply say, "I really really want this doll." And as the parent, you do everything you can to do what's best for your child. Our faith is to be "child-like" and that means - asking for the miracle. The people healed in the Bible believed full well they would be healed and they acted upon it. [I'm sure you people who are much more well versed in the Bible than I am might see some flaws in my paragraph, but it's MY blog.]

Anyway, so I'm choosing to pray for the miracle - like a child - and not add the "God's will clause." I know that the miracle will either be the miracle or the change in my attitude. Either way, it's a miracle.

So here's what I'm praying for:

1st: Clear speech for Zachary and Ryan.

2nd: Zachary and Ryan will be able to read and be functionally literate.

3rd: A diagnosis of what's causing my children's funk. I want to fit into a box and have people to relate to.

[I am going to put a caveat on the clear speech - speech about a variety of topics, not just having friends over to watch movies. Those of you who know Zach will appreciate my caveat.]

Because I am no actively expecting the miracle, I can finally feel happy for those who got their miracle. Because, duh, they prayed for and expected their miracles!

Won't you pray with me? Please, please, pretty please?

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

2009-11-26T07:46:00.003-05:00

Ya know how today is Thanksgiving... Well, I thought it might be a good idea to list what I'm thankful for. I don't think I can list them all here, but I'm gonna start. I am going to throw some pictures in here for visual interest. They probably don't have anything to do with the list...

* An amazing Father in Heaven who loves me even though He knows me through and through.

* My husband who loves me despite my best attempts to be a world-class brat.

* My children who don't know any better than to love me!

* A job that I love 85% of the time, but enables me to support my family.

* My husband's job that he loves 99.9% of the time and he gets to work for God.

* Two amazing parents that sacrificed a lot so that I could be the kid I am.

* Two parents that showed me what hard work looks like and that the only way to get what you need is through hardwork.

* A really cool brother who demonstrated what it looks like to overcome obstacles.

* My brother's wife who is amazing and understands what it's like to raise "funky" kids. I wish I lived closer so we could spend more time together. Plus, their kids would make really great babysitters...

* My husband's family that taught him hardwork and how to not let the bummer things in life define you.

* Friends who rock and are there through the thick and thin. I'm a lucky girl.

* A very nice roof over my head. Ok, so it's not glamorous, big or wonderfully decorated. But it's safe, clean-ish, and is our home.

* A little five year old who has chosen to sleep in today.

* An 8 year old who is happily playing.

* Ryan's seizures are more or less under control.

* Zach's ADHD medicine works.

* Zach is talking so much more. He even comes up with funny phrases.

* When Zach made a mess this morning, he chose the bathroom rather than the carpet in his bedroom.

* My husband makes coffee without complaining.

* We get to go to Colorado for Christmas.

* I have 3 friends that I run with in the mornings and it's like therapy.

* A "puppy" dog who will be with us a few more years. Better living through chemistry...

* A cell phone that gets Facebook and the Internet.

* Two cars that drive and get me where I need to go.

* My husband's airplane - even if it isn't all that impressive - we have an airplane.

* Zach and Ryan's teacher. They put up with soooo much and still love those boys.

* The ability to laugh at myself.

* Amazing co-workers who listen to me and give me ideas and balance.

* I am especially thankful for Em - she's like my work big sister.

* The love of reading that my mom gave me.

* Scrapbooking and digital cameras.

* Grass that doesn't have to be mowed too often in the winter.

* Tulips, fall leaves, and geraniums

* Salty, cheesy food.

* My accountability partner, Jen

* My favorite pair of jeans that are the perfect length

* Finding the running shoes that work for me.

* Selling things on eBay so I can afford Christmas

* Cream in coffee - even though I don't do this much

* My Frankenstein mug

* Rainy days

I have so much more to be thankful for, but it's getting a bit chaotic around here, so I'm gonna run along. What silly things are you thankful for?

Top Ten Thursday

2009-11-19T14:19:00.003-05:00

I love Top 10 lists! Sara at Domestically Challenged and her friends have started this lovely blog carnival. So feel free to create your own lists!

Top 10 reasons I haven't blogged lately...

1. I haven't had anything very exciting to talk about. How interesting is it to talk about my crazy children or my own crazy-self?

2. I haven't taken the time. I mean, who has time to blog when there are fun games on Facebook? I personally prefer the one where you crunch Christmas ornaments.

3. I haven't done anything I need to deny for Not Me! Monday. Seriously...

4. I actually have work this year! Last year I had little pockets of time I would use to blog. This year, not so much. Just so you know... I really did work last year, I used blogging as a brain break - this year - no time!

5. I hate downloading pictures from my camera. My blogs are boring enough - I should at least add some pictures!

6. I have been in a bit of a funk lately and I'm worried that my blogs will just be a bunch of whining about how awful my life is. It's not awful, but I'm in a funk and so I get really good at exaggerating.

7. My feet stink. That's really not a reason, but these sandals are making my feet smelly and I thought you should know.

8. The boys hog the computer. Seriously. An 8 year old and a 5 year old constantly use the computer!

9. I am trying to be more responsible with my use of time. Ok, maybe not.

10. I am in a funk and I have nothing fun to talk about. See - I even had to repeat my top tens! I guess the funk is just a weariness about not doing enough to help my children and a frustration that we still don't know what is causing their funks. I know it's not life threatening, but I want a miracle. I want a "box" to fit in. People to identify with. I want to talk to people who have the same situation as me. Two kids with the "funk." An 8 year old who still poops his pants but isn't "autistic". I don't want to be around people who worry about their 5 year old coloring outside the lines. And I know there are people who listen to me whine about my situation and get mad at me because I have it better than they do. I get that. But this is my blog and I'm gonna whine.

There, I'm done... I bet you wished you weren't still reading!

My Pumpkins

2009-11-02T19:20:00.001-05:00

Not Me! Monday

2009-11-02T06:45:00.002-05:00

Welcome to another edition of NOT ME! Monday. This is a blog carnival started by MckMama. So when you are done looking at my post - hop on over there and check out her blog. Her baby, Stellan, is in the hospital, so she might not have the blog carnival going - but certainly head over there and pray for her little guy!

These are NOT pictures from 2005 and 2006. I do NOT have a million pictures on my camera to download and I am NOT too overwhelmed with the idea to actually download them. Plus, I am NOT missing the days when Zach and Ryan were a little bit smaller and Ryan wasn't crashing as often. I do NOT miss seeing his beautiful blonde hair all the time. (Because he falls all the time he has to wear a "goober hat".)

I am NOT too cheap to buy a new jumpdrive, so I am NOT deleting all these pictures just so I can have a jumpdrive for work. I am NOT slightly bummed that I can't access my picasa account from work so I can double check to make sure they are archived there!

Anyway... enjoy these old pictures...

I did NOT eat 90% of my children's Halloween candy. And I do NOT wish we had done more trick or treating so I could get even more candy! I did NOT take advantage of Zach finally agreeing to wear a costume.

Speaking of Zach, Mark and I did NOT rejoice when he ate a bratwurst and pasta! We have not added to his menu... We are almost up to a whole week's worth of different foods he will eat! Although, we did NOT tell Zach that the bratwurst was a hot dog. I still do NOT laugh that this 8 year old would rather eat green peppers, carrots, and cucumber than a cupcake!

Ryan has NOT started using crying as a way to manipulate us! He does NOT get in bed and start balling at night. So when we come and check him out, he does NOT smile sweetly. He did NOT do the same thing yesterday when I dropped him off at the nursery! For crying out loud (well, he was anyway) he is almost 5 years old!

Zach did NOT pee in an outside corner of a church the other day. He told me he had to pee and we were alone working the pumpkin patch... What was I to do??

I am sure I did whole lot worse stuff this week, but this is all I can think of at 6:58 in the morning!

What did you not do?

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-19T13:37:00.002-04:00

I probably shouldn't participate in MckMama's Not Me Monday because I'm awfully whiney today! But maybe by turning my complaints into Not Me's! I can laugh at myself? Maybe. So when you are done, check out the other people's blog who are participating in this lovely blog carnival.

I am NOT thoroughly enjoying this beautiful weather. I did NOT have the most wonderful five mile run this morning. The weather was NOT perfect! I barely even had any sweat! Loved it!

However, when I got to my classroom this morning (which is in a portable) I was NOT freezing my tail off. I did NOT have the air conditioner running and the temperature was NOT 52 degrees. I am NOT a whimpy Florida girl who was shivering - especially since I did NOT forget a jacket. I did NOT find everyone I could to figure out how to turn my heater on - only to find out that I did NOT have that ability. I did NOT walk outside and see a 3" thick layer of frost on my air conditioning unit. Later, a service man was NOT standing on a ladder trying to melt the ice with a hair dryer. I am NOT currently enjoying my comfy portable with a fixed heater!

I am NOT being super sensitive about my children's disabilities right now. I am NOT getting weepy because every preschooler in the world is learning their letters and my 8 year old calls every letter an "S". (I do NOT know that every preschooler is an exaggeration - it just goes to show my frame of mind.) I do NOT wish that I could teach Zach to read - I am a reading specialist for crying out loud! When will it be our turn?

I am NOT feeling further beaten down when I tried to get my 4 year old to ride a bike. I do NOT hate the fact that he doesn't know how to peddle and I have no clue how to get him to understand the concept!

I was NOT so excited that my 8 year old is figuring out wooden jigsaw puzzles, until I saw that they are for three year olds! I do NOT see the ridiculousness of comparing them to "normal" children, but at the same time, I can't NOT stop!

I do NOT want to kick my friends when they innocently get upset about their child taking 3 months to potty train when 5 years later, my 8 year old is still having more accidents than successes. I do NOT realize that I should be happy for them, but once again, I can't NOT stop!!

I do NOT hate that I'm in pity party mode! And I realize that this isn't going to end well if I keep going! But since it's my blog... I can vent if I want to - and I want to! Sorry you had to "listen"! Tune in next week for happier versions of this game!

Top Ten Thursday

2009-10-15T15:58:00.004-04:00

I somehow stumbled across this blog last year and I love reading her posts! Sara at Domestically Challenged and her friends have started a blog carnival on Thursdays - called Top 10. I have wanted to participate, but never took the chance. You can simply post in top 10 style - it can be her subject or any other topic on your mind.

Because I'm not creative, I'm stealing her idea: the top 10 jobs I am thankful I don't have...

1. Bartender - I would hate to sit around and listen to a bunch of drunks cry over a shot of whiskey or a bunch of rowdy college students - (or even worse, 20-somethings that wish they were still in college!)

2. Septic System worker - gross.

3. Preschool teacher - I can barely handle my own kids, why would I want to spend ALL DAY with a bunch of tiny children that frighten me? (This said from a middle school teacher...)

4. Assistant Principal - Discipline. All day long dealing with discipline. No thank you! (Not to mention the cranky teachers)

5. Chef - I spent a summer as a baker. It's hard work and you are always working when others are playing. Plus - I would be gigantically huge from all the food.

6. Taxi driver - I hate driving around and I would be totally paranoid that I picked up the whacko.

7. Celebrity - I like flying under the radar, not have people recognize me everywhere I go. Plus, the pressure to look good all the time... no thank you!

8. Factory worker - doing the same thing every day, over and over would drive me nuts!

9. Cruise ship worker - I am glad they do these jobs... but making panini's 6.5 days a week, 9 hours a day, for six weeks would make me go insane. Plus... all those ungrateful people!

10. Artist - I would starve. Period. I am NOT artistic, creative, or anything like that.

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-12T10:51:00.004-04:00

I am going to be super quick with my Not Me! Monday post... For rules and regulations (and a whole lot of funniness...) head over to MckMama.com

* I do NOT look at doing my monthly church-nursery duty as a prison sentence. I love spending time with a roomful of toddlers. I am NOT counting down the months until I no longer have a little child in the nursery.
* The longest run I have done since the marathon last April is NOT only five miles! I have NOT lost all conditioning.
* I did NOT find myself asking my children on Saturday, "Ok, who put poop in the bathroom sink?'' Because I did NOT find poop in my sink, so I would NOT have to ask such a question.
* I did NOT go to my children's baseball game on Saturday and completely NOT watch them play. I did NOT enjoy laughing with the other parents. In my defense (NOT that I need it), my boys play Challenger baseball and so it's basically a bunch of kids running around inside a fenced in baseball field. They each have a buddy to help. My guys usually don't play and end up in the dugout playing in the sand, or trying to climb the fence in the outfield.

So what have you NOT done this week?

The Pumpkin Truck!

2009-10-06T19:18:00.006-04:00

Every fall our church hosts a pumpkin patch to raise money for our missions committee. While the patch raises much needed funds, the chance for our church to come together and fellowship is a blessing! Many people volunteer to help on the day the truck arrives as well as a few hours to hang out at the patch. But perhaps the biggest blessing and benefit is the outreach to our community!

It is hard to get into the fall spirit when the temperatures are in the 90's but having the patch on the corner sure helps!

Imagine a semi-trailer truck filled to the edge with pumpkins! Yep, that's the pumpkin truck and it is our job to unload every single one of the pumpkins! Ryan was more than willing to climb into the truck and help out.

Zach also carried quite a few pumpkins around on the truck. He is pretty strong and was surprisingly helpful! This is at the very end! By this point, we were stinky, dirty, and a bit giddy. We were tossing the pumpkins to each other like they were fish in the Seattle market.

Here's the patch! All those pumpkins were unloaded by hand, through a "bucket brigade" concept. The volunteers formed a line and handed the pumpkins off to each other.The very last pumpkin! When all the straw is swept off the truck, we take turns jumping in... I guess it is our version of the pile of leaves! We can't exactly jump into a pile of palm fronds...

This kind volunteer hung out with my boys all morning. I have to stop feeling guilty when people enjoy playing with my children! I kept asking if she was ok and she was just beaming! Seeing people enjoy my children despite their "funk" is such a gigantic blessing to me!

Not me! Monday

2009-09-28T12:17:00.002-04:00

I'm baaaacccckkkk... I haven't done a not me post in a loooonnnnggg time! Here's what this, it's a chance to deny the happenings in your life. Not Me Monday is a blog carnival started by MckMama at MckMama.com

You would think I would have a ton of things to deny since I have not reported any since July. But since my life always runs so smoothly...

My 8 year old did NOT squat on a bench and pee through his swimsuit while we were sitting by a brand-new-co-worker-friend! This was NOT the first time we had met Lance and I'm impressed that he did NOT handle it like a champ. He did NOT tell me about an incident with his daughters at McDonalds to make me feel better...

I did NOT carry my cell phone all around the gym like a lunatic because I was worried my pregnant friend would call me and need to me to watch her kids when she went into labor. I was NOT totally paranoid that I would miss the call and she would have her baby in the driveway because no one was there to watch the other kids. I do NOT worry about stuff like that. I worry about things I can control... global warming, national debt - you know... easy things.

I did NOT start reading the Love Dare with my accountability partner... My first task was be patient and my second task was to be kind. The very day I read about kindness, I did NOT text my husband pictures of the messes he left behind right after I cleaned the house. Nope, I did NOT do that... ~~I cleaned up the messes patiently and kindly.~~

I did NOT want to be super cheap on my date with my husband this weekend. So I did NOT think it would be cheaper to grab soup and salad from Whole Foods. Our bill was NOT $38 for 2 salads, 2 soups, 2 drinks, and 1 piece of bread. Oh man...

I did NOT open the cupboard under my kitchen sink on Wednesday to find a dish basin filled with 8 inches of nasty water that leaked from the garbage disposal. I did NOT have any idea how long it had been leaking.

I have NOT been too tired lately to do anything. Teaching does NOT wear me out... I do NOT have great kids - who do NOT love to talk all the time! I do NOT wish that I were a bit meaner so my kids might not shout out so much. But then I do NOT realize that they do this in their regular classes too, I do NOT just happened to have the class where they are all here at once!

I am NOT missing some pretty funny things happening, I just am too brain dead to recall... I will NOT start keeping a list!

So what about you? What have you NOT done?

I know why they call it a dare...

2009-09-27T17:26:00.003-04:00

Hmmm... The Love Dare. I get it - it's a dare because it's not easy.

Patience was first. I did ok with this early in the week. Wednesday I was perfect - Mark was out of town... The weekend... well, I failed miserably!

After patience is kindness. I was supposed to do something kind for Mark and well, I probably did the opposite. I know God gave me a variety of chances to do kind things and I was too wrapped up in myself to even want to be kind. I am not going to go into the gory details, but it involved Mark going to a cookout, goatee hair in a clean sink, and fried plantains mess in the kitchen... minutes after I cleaned both areas.

I would have to say that overall, I failed miserably this weekend - with patience and kindness.

I have about 3 hours left of the weekend, think I can make up for it? I don't either, but I'm gonna try.

I tell you what though... I'm lucky to have Mark. And this whole thing makes me think of my walk with God. I try and try to be good, but just mess up left and right. Thankfully, God loves me and forgives me! Even more than Mark does!! Amen to that...

Love Dare

2009-09-19T16:41:00.003-04:00

Hmmm... going back to work has made me way too tired and brain dead to blog much! But I kicked everyone out today and was able to relax, clean, and think! Here's what's been on my mind...

I love Facebook! I love that I'm able to reconnect with "long lost" friends. I've moved around a few times and have left some good friends behind. Despite my best intentions, I am NOT good with keeping in touch. But with Facebook... it's easy-peasy!

Earlier this week a dear friend from college "friended" me. We were accountability partners for a brief time in college. So we decided we should become accountability partners again. Perfect timing - isn't God great how He does this stuff?

Anyway, so since she is my accountability partner, I shared with her some areas of my life that need work. I had never admitted my number one area to anyone before and it was really freeing to admit this. I am NOT the perfect wife. I am a horrible wife. I am not nice to my husband and I am not patient. Sure I might have my moments of kindness, but really, I wouldn't want to be married to me. There I said it. I'm just thankful that my husband wants to be married to me ~~not sure why he wants to be married to me, though.~~

I asked Jen if she knew of any books that would help me be a much better wife and she suggested I read the Love Dare. I had the book; I just hadn't started the book because it's hard! But with Jen on my side, praying for me, helping me, and not judging me, I knew now is the time.

So I'm going to embark upon a challenge. I'm going to try really, really hard to love my husband the way God wants me to love him. I am going to fail at times, but I hope that I can get it right at times too. I wasn't going to tell Mark, but he reads the blog... (hi honey, thanks for putting up with me!)

I am supposed to do one dare a day, but I think it's going to take a little time to get this right. The first challenge? Patience!

God has such a good sense of humor... He is making me start with the one that is the hardest of all. Although I have a feeling each dare is going to be hard or it wouldn't be called a dare.

I am a little nervous about posting this on my blog, but I want to be transparent. I want to be real about who I am. So don't judge me! Pray for me!! Want to join me on these dares? I double dog dare you!

A poem I ran across

2009-09-07T19:14:00.002-04:00

I found this poem in one of my files. A friend gave it to me and I changed a line in it to fit my family. Brings tears to my eyes everytime.

Here's the disclaimer: I wish I had the character traits spoken of in this poem. Well, I do have selfishness, but it's a whole lot more than described! I guess this poem reminds me that God chose me to raise my boys and He will equip me to be the mom I need to be. So I don't want to come across as some amazing mom because trust me, I'm not. I just like this poem and if any of you are encouraged by it, then I'm glad I shared. If you just think I'm a nutjob... well, you might be right!

How Moms Are Chosen

Did you ever wonder who the mothers of developmentally delayed babies are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagataion with great care and delight.

As He observes, He instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Beth Armstrong, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Marjorie Forrest, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Carrie Rutledge, twins, Patron Saint... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.
"Give hera developmentally delayed baby." The angel is curious.
"Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a developmentally delayed baby to a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the ange.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and neccessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy. She has the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted one spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says "mama" for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see - ignorance, cruelty, and biases and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of everyday of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Not much to say... VERY BORING ENTRY!

2009-09-05T20:42:00.003-04:00

I haven't been very diligent with updating my blog. Mostly because I don't have much to say!

Today has been a great Saturday! I slept in (until 6:30!!). I cleaned (no seriously, I like to clean). I went to the farmer's market for surprisingly affordable produce and took the kids to the fountain. Then a friend gave me three garbage bags full of clothes!! Wow!!!! I cooked (I like that too).

The school year is going well! I like being back in the classroom and I like having responsibilities of my old job too. So school is busy - but good. I'm not used to writing lesson plans, but I won't whine about that. I know in a few weeks I will feel like I'm not drowning in my "To do" list. I hope I will have my "sea legs" and figure out how to do less "homework".

The school year for the boys is a mixed-bag. Ryan is having trouble following directions and ends up in time-out quite a bit. I'm not surprised because he is doing the same thing at home. Zach is having a great year and I hope that it has to do with the Focalin.

Mark has been on quite the emotional rollercoaster with work these last few months and while things have taken a turn for the better, I still think he is going to have some ups and downs!

So... is this the most boring blog you've ever read? I think it just might be!! I told you so...

All sorts of grumbly things to say...

2009-08-26T18:34:00.002-04:00

I prayed and prayed that this school year would be better than last year. Some pretty lousy things happened last year and I prayed that it was all behind us. Not so much. Apparently, some teacher at the school saw me get grumpy with my children at the splash fountain and said something to my son's teacher. Am I the only parent in the world that gets stern with her kids? Am I the only parent in the world that doesn't hover over her children every second of the day? Apparently I am. I could go on and on, but that won't help me leave this at the Lord's feet. Believe me, I have some things I would like to say to "Mrs. Perfect-Parent" but what good would it do? ~~Although if I ever find out who it was, I will certainly ask her to walk a mile in my shoes and ask her for parenting tips.~~

So after venting with my two dear friends, I decided to go to the gym and run off this frustration. While in the locker room, I ran into someone I know - who I can really relate to and what her to become a friend - and I told her about it. I was just about in tears ~~again~~.

Finally I make it to the treadmill, plug in my iPod and start running. The problem was, I forgot my ear buds and had to borrow these really cheap headphones. I could only hear drums and guitars. But on the third song, God had something to say. I heard the words to the following song, crystal clear...

I know this song is about something much more gigantic than my situation. I know there is a whole lot worse out there. But this song brings me comfort and since this is my blog, I can share it and relate to it!

Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant
I have traveled many moonless night
Cold and Weary, with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father, You have come
Chosen me now to carry your son

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holyness
For your holy
Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

Sometimes, ok, all the time, I do not feel equipped to be the mom of Zach and Ryan. But I know God chose me. And since He chose me, he will "Help me be strong". But I do wonder if He ever wishes he chose someone better; I know I sometimes wish He had.

So for the one person who might read this, please pray for my family and this school year. I just want a smooth one. I don't want to harbor these feelings towards my chidlrens' school.

On a positive note... my kids actual classroom teachers and aides are PHENOMENAL and they are the primary reason we still go to the school.

Quote that keeps me going

2009-08-09T19:08:00.005-04:00

It's no secret that I have been through the wringer with my boys (and what parent can't say that?). My journey has a purpose and I pray that it includes helping other moms.

I am doing the "Esther" Bible Study by Beth Moore and in the very first lesson, I'm already blown away by what I'm learning!

Beth describes the opening of the Book of Esther as a "once upon a time." This is used 5 times in the Bible and each time there has been a major catastrophe/drama!

So on page 14 she quotes (someone, I can't find the reference)..."The ending to each story is happy, but before that happy ending is realized, much grief occurs."

Ok, I can see that... but then she goes on to say (and this is the one that really speaks to me/keeps me going/makes the drama tolerable) "When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just in spite of those catastrophes. Often because of them. Don't just wait and see. Live and see."

This reminds me that I have two "funky" kids for a reason! I need to make our lives count! Sign me up for the adventure, God! ~~(But could it be one of those multiple-choice adventures?~~)

El Mikarts aventura Mexicano 2009

2009-08-08T08:50:00.006-04:00

Have you ever seen so many pictures on my blog? We just finished one of the best vacations... It was pretty hard to top our Jamiaca trip (even though Ryan spent 2 nights in a rural Jamaican hospital...) and our trips to Michigan have been pretty fun too. But, cruising... way fun!

We got to Ft. Lauderdale Sunday afternoon and stayed at the swanky Westin on the beach. It was a super great deal on Hotwire...
The boys loved playing on the beach - and the big waves of the Atlantic...

Mark and Zach, of course, enjoyed the pool. What is a swimming "session" without Mark tossing Zach into the water?

I almost got a perfect picture of the boys together. Almost....

Then on Monday, we got to our cruise ship in Miami. Tuesday morning was Key West, but since we've been there often, we just got off the boat to get Lactaid pills for Mark and crazy Hawaiian shirts. Ryan was pretty exhausted and just rode around on Mark's shoulders.

Wednesday afternoon was Cozumel. I was a little nervous about what we would do because I was too cheap to pay for an excursion... So we went to the market and then...

We rented a Jeep and drove around the island! Cozumel is GORGEOUS! ME GUSTA MUCHA!!

We went swimming at this little beach - Chen Rio Playa.

Drank coconut milk at a different beach.

Took millions of pictures of the coast.

And then got lost in Cozumel Cuidad. Fortunately, Mark speaks Spanish and we made it back to the boat!s

A whole lot of time was spent at the Water Play Area on our boat:

Zach loved the hot tub.

And they were obsessed with the bunk beds in our cabin.

We ate, we relaxed, we played, and we were merry! I can't wait until our next cruise. Anyone want to come with us?

Oh - and this was actually a cheap vacation! We came in under budget! Imagine that!!!!

Happy Birthday, Mark!

2009-07-29T07:24:00.003-04:00

Today is Mark's birthday. He is the most incredible man I know and I am so thankful he is in my life - and puts up with me (what could be better than that?)

He loves God with his whole heart and wants nothing more than to serve Him.

He is an amazing husband and is super-duper patient with me, even when I don't deserve it.

And he is a great father. He spent all week with the boys while I was on a mission trip and he only complained once - and it was a legitimate complaint! He invents fun stuff for the boys to play and loves to take them flying.

So, happy birthday, Mark! I love you!!

Top Ten Tuesday: Quotes from the mission trip

2009-07-28T11:29:00.004-04:00

It's Top Ten Tuesday! And here are my 10 favorite quotes from the recent mission trip.

10. "How can I lay Him down, How can I lay Him down, He's so good to me..." [It's really supposed to be, "How can I let Him down..." but we didn't understand the vernacular]

9. "Where else am I going to meet her? At the library?" [Katie's dad making fun of Katie...]

8. "... Jesus told me to find drug dealers..." [Will during an "Ask the Lord" session]

7. "You guys are the Joshua generation and God is going to do some mighty things through you..." [This one is serious and stuck with me; it's from one of the pastors Sunday night.]

6. "Lord, I pray for sugar, for the families..." [Liz on our first Ask the Lord/Prayer drive]

5. "The sugar lords could drive around and hand out pixie sticks and get the kids addicted to sugar." [This isn't the exact quote, but close enough... It was from Mikey K when we were driving to the lake.]

4. "Katie! She's wearing a pink shirt!" [This is the culminating line to Katie's "nudging" that God will put a girl in a pink shirt in her path. Some people made fun of her, but she stood by her convictions and sure enough, the next day, she met the girl in the pink shirt and jeans!]

3. "Let's hold it up to the light and examine it... Is it scriptural? Can it be confirmed?" [This is another not-funny-but-serious-quote. We heard it frequently from Marty.]

2. "There they are! Turn around! Wait!!!! YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY!" [As I drive down the wrong side of the road on a major highway...]

1. "Stop choking your friend, we're gonna pray." [Jeff saying this at the cook out in the most serious tone, EVER!]

Side note to #9: It has been confirmed by a Facebook quiz: Katie will meet the man of her dreams at a bookstore.

Mission Trip people part 1

2009-07-25T19:33:00.003-04:00

This is going to be one of many posts that I talk about the people we met in Belle Glades and on the mission trip.

We did this process called "Ask the Lord." Basically whenever we had some time to do extra ministry or the flexibility to change the schedule, we went to prayer to find out what God wanted us to do. This sounds really corny, I know. And I'm a skeptic. When Missy described this, I thought she was coo-coo-for-cocoa-puffs. But this was the coolest thing. EVER!

Yesterday, we had an ATL time in Naples. I didn't get a clear picture from God, so I drove Nathalie and Mikey K. Nathalie saw an old person in a blue flowered dress and Mikey saw nursing homes. So the three of us prayed what were to do with these promptings. I felt we needed to buy flowers and then take them to the nursing home.
Nathalie (above) and Mikey (below).

While at Publix buying flowers, Nathalie felt we should buy a "Happy Birthday" balloon. Mikey and I were like, "Ummm... No, that's stupid."

We drove around looking for the nursing home and didn't have much luck. So I prayed and there was the nursing home! In we went.

We walked in with a bunch of flowers and this nurse saw us. Our conversation went somthing like this: "I know this is going to sound crazy, but we are on a mission trip and are having some prayer time asking God what he wants us to do. He told us to come to the nursing home and find someone who needs some flowers. "

The nurse looked at us like we were freaks. But then, her face lit up and she said, "Burta does not get visitors and her birthday is on Sunday. Why don't you go see her. She is in room 404."

Guess we should have bought the birthday balloon, huh?

We knock, walk in and repeat our introduction.

Nathalie, though, is about to pee her pants. The woman was wearing blue flowered dress!!!!!

We chatted for a bit, prayed for her, and then left the extra flowers for the nurse who helped us out.

Coincidence? Nope. God prompted us. We obeyed. And we were blown away!

This type of stuff happened all week long. I will share more of these stories with you, but right now, I should probably go play with my boys!

wordless Wednesday Mission trip

2009-07-22T13:25:00.002-04:00

Day 2 of Belle Glades "missionary-ing"

2009-07-21T16:41:00.002-04:00

Well, we are officially half-way through our trip to Belle Glades, Florida. I am here with an amazing group of high school kids. These kids are willing to step out of the boat and pray with total strangers. I, personally, think it is much easier to be out of the boat when we are not in our home town, so we have been spending some time talking about how we can take these actions home with us.

I am stepping way out of my little boat and praying ALL THE TIME. Ok, so that may sound like a little-deal (you know, no big deal = little deal)... But for me to pray and WAIT for God to reveal himself is big for me. Not just guess and check...

So yesterday, I had 5 kids with me and we were charged with the task of doing prayer walks. Only, I heard, pray and ask the Lord what we should do. So here we are, no major theologians with us, just me and my peeps. So we ended up at the hospital because three of us felt called to go there... We ended up praying with a couple and they were thrilled that we could pray for their doctor's appointment. Well, later we drove by them and saw that they were smiling and walking much "happier". We wanted to go back and talk to them, but God prevented that. (I would tell you why, but it's kinda embarrassing!) At another point in the excursion, I tried to reach out to someone and it failed miserably - and that was because I wasn't asking God about it, I was just going about my thing.

I learned a few things... I learned that listening for God takes practice. And lots of it. I learned that I don't have to be a preacher to do prayer walks and ask the Lord for direction. Yep, I can just be me! The neat thing about the experience was that I was totally transparent and willing to tell the kids that I was petrified. they were too. Not petrified because we were in danger, but shaking out of inexperience and uncertainity. But God showed up. Just like he always does...

Today... I painted and scraped paint. I saw my group respond to God's prompting and I saw lots of answered prayer. I also saw the joy that comes to others when you stop being so busy and just share a few words and prayers. It doesn't take long to let others know they are important. But the rewards last for a mighty long time!

My points are this: pray, wait for God's direction, then obey. Your socks will be blessed off. Also... stop being so busy and just spend a minute with those around you! It doesn't have to be long!

I miss my family, so if you know them and see them, give them a hug and a kiss!
love, Kristin